Rough times

The past several days have been rough, for a few reasons. I felt like because of the rough times, that my parenting sucked. Tonight my kids gave me countless hugs & kisses, and said that I was the best mom ever. And, I didn't even give ice cream to them today. Maybe I'm doing better than I thought. 

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.....

Me on the right, 115 lbs, about 20 yrs ago (age 17-18)

Me-winter 2011 in Colorado Springs, 135 lbs, size 4

Me-May 2012, about 135 lbs, size 4 (after a Spartan race)

Me-10 mos ago, about 140 lbs, size 6

Me-last summer (?), no idea of weight or size

Me-Sept 2013, about 145 lbs, size 8? (not sure)

Me-March 2014, 150 lbs, size medium in workout clothes (no idea of my number size)

This is likely to be a long, rambling post about my personal body image issues....not sure what the point is, except that I feel like I need to get it out.

First of all, the fact that I am posting that last picture...I hate that picture. But, in order to write about body image, I need to share that with anyone who is reading this. I am currently about 150 lbs and am 5'8.5" tall. My measurements are 39-I don't know (really, I don't....I hate measuring my waist)-41. I love my breasts and hips, but the rest...not so much.  The fact is, I have never really been 100% happy with me body. Yes, there are times I have felt more attractive, sexier, more confident but I have never felt 100% confident, not even last summer when I was rocking that green striped bikini. 

I have struggled with body image since at least junior high; of course back then, I was too skinny and was frequently told that I needed to eat more (I ate A TON of food), and was asked if I had an eating disorder. My breasts and hips were basically nonexistent, in a sea of girl friends who had at least some curves. I was 115 lbs, tall, lanky, and had trouble finding clothes that would fit properly. 

Around age 20, all of that changed. Within a month, I grew half an inch, my bra size increased by 2 cup sizes, and I put on 5+ pounds. It was like I had finally hit puberty! I liked my new curves, but was still not happy with my body or my looks. Of course, a lot of that had to do with the severe cystic acne that I was dealing with as well. Thankfully, no one was ever rude to me about that, but I still have scars on my face and I can still very well remember how awful my skin was, and how much it physically hurt. Thank God for accutane, that cleared everything up in 3 months. Even after it cleared, I was still self conscious, and still styled my hair in ways to cover portions of my face (far framing layers were a godsend). To this day, I will not even go to the gym without wearing at least some make-up. 

In my 30s, I battled infertility and lost. My husband and I went through 5+ yrs of treatments, from clomid and timed intercourse, all the way to IVF and then FET. The treatments ravaged my body and spirit. I gained over 20 lbs (and losing weight is not easy when you have PCOS and endometriosis), became depressed, and felt like nothing was in my control. (During this time, my husband deployed for a year and we adopted 2 children via kinship care, so stress was HIGH.) I turned to exercise and dieting, in a big way. I would come home from work and do 60-90 minutes of cardio exercise DVDs. I restricted caloric intake, at one point was eating only 1400 calories per day. I lost the weight, and was a size 4 for the first time in years!!! I was thrilled and was determined to keep off the weight after my husband returned...of course, that didn't happen because maintaining a weight of 132-135 lbs meant that I could not eat my favorite things or enjoy beer very often. I also was not strong at all...enter CrossFit. 

My husband and I started doing the CrossFit WODs that were posted on the main CrossFit site, and I started trail running. I trained for a Spartan race, and finished it :) Soon after, we PCS'd (Military talk for the Army made us move) to Florida and by then I was recovering from a torn meniscus from not squatting properly during thrusters. I didn't do any real formal exercise for several months, well other than DVDs and then occasional running. Then, we joined a local CrossFit box, and I fell in love with the sport and the culture. 

As I am sure you have noticed, I have not lost weight while doing CrossFit....and deep down, I am ok with that fact. My diet has not been the best, and I have had some injuries (not CrossFit related) over the past year that have prevented me from working out consistently at times. But guess what? 

I can dead lift 140 lbs.

I can back squat 105 lbs and front squat 80 lbs.

I can bench press 95 lbs.

I can power clean 100 lbs. 

I can clean & jerk 85 lbs (that is AFTER a shoulder injury that sidelined me from lifting for about 5 months). 

Those are the weights I am training myself to concentrate on now. I will never be 135 lbs again. I will never be a size 4 again. And that is okay. Being healthy, strong, and enjoying life is more important than a label in a pair of jeans, or a set of numbers on a scale. (I remind myself of that every singe day...maybe one day it will stick.)

I Can Do This

I have been feeling very out of sorts since having the kids home full time and my husband home most of the day over the past couple of weeks. There hasn't really been any routine, so homeschooling, exercise, and eating healthy has gone out the window. Consequently, I feel gross, have had more body pain, and have been in a funk. The kids have also watching more TV than I normally allow, and that is something that I really do  not like.

So over the past few days I've started making plans. I have started the process of enrolling Bella into an online, public school. I will still be homeschooling her, but now I will have a curriculum and teachers to assist me. Starting Monday and until the school year starts, I will be using an all in one home school curriculum from this site. I will be using the pre-school & kindergarten curriculum with her, and the preschool curriculum with Jax since he will be going into public, free, pre-k in the fall. I really feel that I can get Bella caught up on reading and other kindergarten goals by working one on one with her. My goal is for both of them to be in regular, public/private school by the time each of them is in the second grade.

This morning I also meal planned for the next 10 days, and made a grocery list of everything that I need to buy for the meals. Knowing that I know what to make for the next 10 days is actually a big relief for me, and it means no more fast food or ordering in for supper, which will help our budget and help our health. I am making a workout plan which includes daily yoga through Daily Burn on Hulu-stoked that I found Daily Burn! Oh, and I ordered a Beach Body plan....will write more about that when I actually get it.

Seriously, I feel so much better after making some sort of plan and basic daily schedule. I feel like I have some sort of control over my life again, which is nice. Now if I could just get my legs healed, I could work out exactly how I want and when I want.