I Am Enough (because I have to be)

If I am 100% honest with myself, I have been a single parent since the day our kids got off the plane with the social workers. Of course, he was deployed back then, but nothing really changed when he got home. Yes, he was here physically, but 95% of the time I did 100% of the parenting. I did bath, bed time, school/homework, took them to sports practice, made meals, washed clothes, took to appointments...I did all of it. He did the fun stuff like fishing, rough housing, and video games. Now all of that is up to me, and it is a crushing responsibility.

Everyday I feel like I fail them in some way. At the end of everyday I beat myself up for being too strict, or too lax; for not doing enough formal school (even though we are registered unschoolers); for not making them eat the nutritious supper that I made, and instead letting them eat cereal, pb&j, or Spaghetti-O's; for not reading enough (or at all) to them; and so many more reasons.  In short, I doubt myself every single day & wonder if I am enough...

Then I remember that now, I have to be enough. Their father hasn't called them one time since he left. He did manage to get them Easter baskets and drop them off while we were at church, so at least there's that. He has only asked about them one time since he left. My heart hurts for them. I get that he hates me right now, and that he (seemingly) doesn't care about our marriage ending; however, I don't understand how he can forget them so easily.

My kids, they are the most important people in the world to me. I will do anything to make sure that they feel loved, but there is no guidebook for this. Part of me thinks I should move back to my home state so I would have some family support, but then I remember how much the kids and I love the beach, and our house, and our church. Plus, finding a place that would accept 5 large dogs and 2 cats would be virtually impossible. And I want to keep the kids' lives as routine as possible during all this.

They are worth it. They are worth all of the struggle. I can do this. I have to do this.

Always learning

Homeschooling is such a journey. I really thought that I would just come up with, or find, a curriculum/method, and stick with it; but that is totally not what's happening. I've come to realize that we are more of an unschooling family. Now before anyone starts into me about that, MY KIDS ARE LEARNING. They learn every day, in literally most every situation. But I digress, here is a summary of our journey so far, and what led me to my decision to register with Florida Unschoolers (an umbrella school).

We started off the year with Connections Academy/FLVS, which is great for some families but it did not work for us. The curriculum was just too much for Bella, and I was fighting her to do school. Also, it took us HOURS to do school everyday and that is one thing that I was wanting to avoid when we started homeschooling. I hated having her basically chained to a computer at the kitchen table for 4-6 hours a day, especially since we were always behind on assignments and lessons. Again, this is not anything against CA, it just didn't work for us.

After withdrawing from CA, I set out to piece together my own curriculum. A wonderful friend sent me a flash drive FULL of worksheets, lessons, lesson planning, songs, games, etc that I love and use almost daily; but I still felt like I was missing some stuff, so I signed up for ABCMouse so that both kids could get a full curriculum. Best decision ever! Jax and Bella LOVE ABCMouse, and there is so much to do on the site. Jax has already completed Levels 1 & 2, and Bella has completed Level 5 and is halfway done with Level 6. When she finishes Level 6, she will graduate from Kindergarten :) I also bought a Rosetts Stone reading program for homeschoolers, and registered both kids on Teach Your Monster to Read. Once Bella graduates, she will complete Rosetta Stone before we move on to first grade material....which brings me to our next destination on this journey, unschooling.

This school year is coming to a close in a few months, and I began to realize that I really do not have anything in the form of a portfolio (only Bella needs one; Jax isn't registered in the school system yet). Yes, Bella completes worksheets, writing, coloring, etc, but I don't have them well organized. Also, I just didn't like the idea of an evaluator deciding if Bella was making enough progress or not. One of the reasons I took her out of PS and FLVS was because I wanted to be the one responsible for her learning, and deciding if she was learning enough. I began to research and found Florida Unschoolers, and quickly decided to register with them. Yes, there are some disadvantages to being registered with an umbrella school here, but honestly I am not worried about those right now since my kids are so young. The huge advantage for me is that I don't have to keep a portfolio or have Bella evaluated; all I have to do is submit attendance to the school on a quarterly basis. Oh, and I can structure my school year however I want (which for the record, is year round).

Identifying myself with unschooling fits, and honestly feels right for us. Our days are CRAZY due to my& my husband's medical appointments, soccer (kids), CrossFit (and the work that I do there), and trips to visit my family. Some days, we do absolutely no formal school but I realized that it's okay. When we spent most of the day running around the AFB hospital for appointments, our kids still learned and they enjoyed it. They learn when they play. They learn when they are with me in the kitchen as I cook. They learn when we play board games. They even learn when they watch TV and play video games. School doesn't have to be at a desk, with a pencil, paper, and book. Once I let go of drilling school into their heads, I found out that they ASK to learn. Bella now WANTS to learn to read, when earlier in the school year she hated it and never wanted to work on reading.  I cannot tally how great that is!

Do I plan to not do any formal teaching? No, I absolutely will do some formal teaching, but it will not be the bulk of what we do. I plan to transition Bella to another learning website for first grade work. The site has a full curriculum, as well as record keeping, lesson planning, and access to grade above and grade below lessons. Some days we will use that site, and some days we will learn through games, trips to the beach, field trips, or just reading books together. That is what I love about all of this-my kids and I choose together what we do on any given day, and I don't feel rushed or pressured since deciding to do school year round. We can enjoy each other, learn, have fun, and experience life together as a family.