My Advice to You

Right now, you are in the blissful part of the relationship. He is texting all day, complimenting you, perhaps already saying that he loves you. Maybe he's already met your young daughter, and has told you that he will help you with her needs. Likely, he hasn't gotten blackout drunk yet in front of you, and he definitely hasn't told you about his criminal record, or that he was unfaithful to me, and his first wife, numerous times. In fact, I was (unknowingly) the other woman in his first marriage; he told me that they were separated but years later I learned that they were not separated until after he met me. (Just FYI, he and I are not divorced like he told you, but we are separated...even though there's no such thing as legal separation in Florida.)

Did you know that a few short days before talking to you, he was trying to get another single mom to commit to him? Telling her that he loved her from the first time he saw her, and promising to take care of her kids? He was even willing to move out of state with her. Did he tell you that the reason I kicked him out was because of his alcoholism, infidelity, and abuse? And that he left the kids and me for another woman back in the Spring? No, I'm betting that he told you I'm some crazy stalker wife, who also cheated on him (see, that was his story to me about his first wife).  Does he tell you that he has not called our kids at all since he left? And that he spent their SSDI money on bars, escorts, and cigarettes? Did he tell you that he hasn't paid child support to his first wife in months? 

There will come a day when he does get blackout drunk, and probably punch holes in the wall. One day he will scream at you irrationally, maybe even shove you over a couch or hold a tomahawk to your throat while he says "I could kill you if I really wanted to." Perhaps he will even drive drunk again, and get his third DUI; or proposition your friend for sex. Maybe your daughter will do something that irritates him and he will scream at her. When he does any of those things my advice to you is get out. I should've gotten out years ago, and once I asked myself "Would I want a guy to treat my daughter the same way? Would I want my son to treat a girl this way?", the answer became clear. 

I'm sure you'll hear stories about me, likely all false, and that's fine. One day you'll track me down to ask questions, the same way I did with his first wife; and I will answer your questions, and let you know that I've been there, I recovered, and that my life ended up remarkably better without him in it. 

Hashtag Real Life, Part Deux

I do not want to reconcile with he-who-must-not-be-named, but knowing that he has already moved on and is telling women that he is not married really irritates me.

I feel much resentment towards him, but I am trying my best to let it go.

As much as I know that I need a full time job, my focus right now is picking up the pieces, and doing what I can for my kids to make this time easier on them. 

Tomorrow I turn in my application for TANF and food stamps....help that I never thought I would need, but for which I am praying that I am approved. 

I wonder every night if I missed my chance at a happily married life (with someone else). 

Now that I am starting to process everything that has happened over the past few years, I realize how abusive he was and I have multiple anxiety attacks daily. 

My kids saved me. If not for them, I might not ever have gotten the guts to get out of my abusive marriage. 

I will never get involved with a narcissist again. I know the red flags, I will NOT let it happen again. 

I have a running list of "want" and "will not tolerate" for anyone I date in the future. I have promised myself to not give any passes on those. 

If my dogs don't like a guy, I will not date him. 

No guy will meet my kids until we've dated at least 4 months. 

Parenting is hard. Being a 100% single parent is hard. Divorcing your abusive partner while parenting your kids 100% of the time, trying to keep the household afloat, and trying to pick up the emotional pieces...well, I am being stretched to my limit. 

Domestic abuse is alienating, and humiliating. 

As my advocate reminded me, my hardships are temporary. I am in a transition time that is so fracking hard right now, but it is temporary. I am building a new, healthy life for my kids, my furkids (and fish), and myself...THAT will be lasting. This hard shit is temporary.

Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends.