Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

"Why Does He Do That?"

That meme pretty much sums it up...seriously. 

So the title of this post is the name of a book that I started reading today. It was recommended to me by my therapist as well as several people on an online support group for people dealing with narcissists in their lives. I've already read through the first 2 parts of the book and it's truly amazing how accurately it describes my experience. I am eager to read through the whole book and develop more protective and coping mechanisms for myself. 

It's become quite apparent to me in this past week that ex is a narcissist, which is both freeing and scary. It's freeing because I am 100% certain that nothing I do or did caused him to hate me, and nothing I do could ever change him. It's scary because wow, I was so fooled and (in my therapist's words) conditioned to ex's behavior; I literally will not know how to react when I finally find someone who is emotionally healthy and treats me well. I worry that I am damaged for life, but in the words of Scarlett, I can't think about that right now or I'll go crazy.

Coping with stress without being able to workout is extremely difficult for me. For the past several years I have depended on running, or CrossFit, or yoga to work out my stress; but with my leg and shoulder I can't do that right now. I have also struggled with the back slide that I have taken as far as how my body looks. Today I made the decision, during therapy, to not worry about that; my only focus right now is getting through my upcoming surgery (facsiotomy for compartment syndrome) and recovery. I have to keep myself physically and emotionally healthy for my kids, and to do that I have to focus on one thing at a time. So, if I gain weight or size while doing that, so be it. I have plenty of time to get back to running and CrossFit; but I can't do that at the expense of my leg, or shoulder, or mental health.