Jamberry and Crossfit

Ok, so here is where I talk about Jamberry  and CrossFit and how, for me, they are great and kind of intertwined.

When we decided a couple of months ago that I would be a stay at home mom, I decided to become a Jamberry consultant. Well, life got in the way (sorry for the vagueness, but there are some things I agreed to not share publicly), so I am just now really getting into it. I have been wearing Jamberry wraps and lacquers for MONTHS and really like them! The wraps last, on me, about 10 days (and I am HARD on them-cleaning daily, CrossFit, and going to the beach) on my fingernails and more than 4 weeks on my toenails. The lacquer lasts over 5 days on my fingernails with no chips! Both the wraps and wraps are non-toxic and not tested on animals. Oh yeah, and there are Junior sized wraps for  children or for those with small nails :) Here are some pictures of the wraps that I have personally worn :)

I am looking to add people to my fabulous team and I'm always here to answer questions! Check out Jamberry's awesome lines of wraps and lacquers on my site!

So how does CrossFit play into all of this? Because CrossFit and Jamberry are 2 things that I believe in, and I am willing to sink my money, time, and name into them.  A company of non-toxic, not tested on animals, nail lacquers and nail wraps, that was started by a small group of women? AND that contain SO MANY FREAKING FABULOUS CHOICES?! SIGN ME UP!

As for CrossFit....a little background: At one point in time, I signed up to be a "coach" with another big name fitness program. I did it for the discount on their goods and because one of their programs got me down to a size 4 (I am 5'8") and 132 lbs. I was happy and looked good at that size, but I had to deprive myself of so much (like no alcohol, no bread, no sugar, no beer, and eat less than 1800 cal/day) and do so much cardio to maintain that size. Oh, and I was definitely not strong, not at all. Then came CrossFit, and the reality that I didn't HAVE to be a size 4, or even "skinny" to be awesome. See, previously not named company focuses only on weight loss, not on strength. There I was in my 30s and literally for the first time I started to focus more on the weight I was lifting rather than how much I weighed. I stopped counting calories and started reading labels. I stopped killing myself on cardio machines and started doing WODs that involved AMRAPs with weights and short bursts of cardio. I GOT STRONGER and I got happier. Am I 100% satisfied with how I look? No (and that is a deep rooted issue), but am I 100% satisfied with my workouts, coaches (like, actual in person, certified CrossFit coaches) and CrossFit friends? Yes, yes I am.

My CrossFit girlfriends and I talk about how much we can lift, not how much we weigh. We don't talk about what size clothes we wear, we compare the sizes of our hand callouses. We don't count calories, we count reps, double unders, and how fast we can row 500 meters. You know what all of that means? It means, that we constantly push each other to be stronger. It means that we stick around after WODs to cheer each other on, and to sometimes do another workout. It means that when any of us gets a PR (personal record) on a lift or skill, we ALL celebrate and congratulate.

The 2 paragraphs above, THAT is why I am studying and training to become a Level 1 CrossFit coach, and then a CrossFit Kids coach. I love that I walk into a WOD, and rather than feeling like other chicks are judging me, I feel a sisterhood (good lord that sounds cheesy-I blame the wine). I love that my kids literally cheer me on during some WODs and see mommy getting strong rather than Mommy trying to get skinny. And most of all, I love the personal pride that I feel when I hit a PR, or like this past week when I hit a few PRs. There is literally no greater high for me.

Maniac Monday

In an effort to get myself to blog more, and get the worries on paper and out of my head, I am starting Maniac Mondays on here. I am going to type out every current worry that I currently have, then I will do my best to NOT worry about them for the rest of the week.

Money-Becoming a SAHM has been a bigger financial burden that we originally thought. I know it won't last forever, and it is truly worth it (for many reasons), but it sucks. I am restarting the Dave Ramsey plan and am determined to get us on track. And no, I don't do the couponing thing because honestly, we don't eat many foods that are coupon-able (yes, I made up that word). I *do* shop at a certain grocery store, and utilize the rewards card and all their sales. I could go on and on about money, but if I do then there won't be time for any other worries.

Parenting-I think that every decent parent worries that they are not a good parent. Do they watch too much TV? Am I giving them enough freedom? Do they have too much freedom? Am I too easy on them? Am I too hard on them? Seriously, these are only some of the questions that I ask myself everyday.

Marriage-Relationships are hard, including marriage. I don't care what anyone says, marriage is not easy. Balancing parenting AND marriage is even more difficult and complicated. Worth it? yes. Hard at times? Yes.

Pets-Yes, I worry about being a good parent to our pets. I worry about affording the best food, the best toys, and the best vet care for them. I worry about providing the best life for them, and making sure that they are happy and safe.

Body issues-Every. Single Day. CrossFit is helping but still, I really need to throw away our scale. Speaking of weight, I PR'd my power hang clean last week! I'm now up to 100 lbs :)

Ok, that's it for today. Now I have to get on with my day, including CrossFit.

No Need to Hurry Fun

One of the perks of becoming a SAHM is that on days like this-cloudy, dealing with a migraine hangover, feeling tired-I don't feel like we have to do something fun to salvage the weekend. When I was working outside the home, I felt pressure to make Saturdays and Sundays fun, and if I didn't I felt a tremendous amount of Mommy guilt. The relief I feel to not have that guilt is wonderful.

I have a confession, we have not been homeschooling yet. I did a lot of research and asked many questions in FB groups regarding homeschooling and the overwhelming response was, don't do anything formal until they are 6 or 7 years old. This makes perfect sense to me!

When I was 5 yrs old, kindergarten was half a day, and it was filled with coloring, playing, some reading, and recess; so that is what I have been doing around here. We play games like CandyLand and Chutes & Ladders to help with numbers and colors. I read to/with them daily, and they watch some tv like Sesame Street and the Magic Bus. I've also been teaching them about gardening, and we even planted some seeds that are growing! And because of some tense times with our zoo of cats and dogs, they have learned some animal first aid, as well as how to take care of hurt pets. Since we make regular trips to the beach, they are also learning about tides, jellyfish, sharks, and all things ocean related. So far, this method of "teaching" has been working very well & the kids are actually enjoying learning new things.

So for now, we are going to enjoy the spring and summer months, make frequent beach trips, cook meals as a family (the kids love to help us cook), and then start some structured homeschooling in the fall.

NIAW-National Infertility Awareness Week

Today is the close of NIAW. I haven't written a specific NIAW blog post in a LONG time, for many reasons...but today I decided to write one.

Dr. Drew recently had a LoveLine episode in which he called endometriosis and IC "garbage bag diagnoses". He did this when a man called in with some concern about his fiancee, and Dr. Drew cut him off before the man could even ask his question. It was a huge reminder to me that many people, even so called doctors, do not understand endometriosis, and don't view it as a real problem. So people of the interwebz, here is my story about living with endometriosis (and PCOS because I have both, and I suspect that Dr. Drew doesn't believe that PCOS is a real disease, either).

From the time I first got my period, I lived in excruciating pain for the few days before, and the first few days during my period. I also got horrible pain during the middle of my cycle. My periods were any where from 7 days to 14 days long, and were extremely heavy. They never came at regular intervals, NEVER. I missed school regularly because I physically could not get out of bed. This pattern continued until I was 18 yrs old and was put on birth control pills.

Once i started taking birth control pills, symptoms improved for several years, but the symptoms were not gone. It took years of experimenting with different birth control pills to finally find one that helped. Periods were still VERY heavy, and still painful, but at least the mid cycle pain was lessened. I still missed class and work because of the pain of cramps, and general pain that went all the way to my knees, my lower back, and into my pelvic region. There was pain during and after sex. I became light headed due to pain and anemia due to heavy periods. In short, it was awful.

By the time I was almost 31 yrs old, I had met the love of my life and we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I did the responsible thing and went to a doctor to get a pre-baby making work up. This was the first time I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and also the first time that endometriosis was ever mentioned as a possibility. Since the time I started seeing a gynecologist, no one had mentioned anything being wrong with me. All previous doctors told me that my symptoms were normal, and that some women just had "worse" periods than others. Hearing PCOS and endometriosis was like a kick to the chest. That doctor also told me that realistically, I would not get pregnant without help. I was not even 31 yrs old yet, I wasn't old....I was broken.

Over the next 5+ years, we went through treatments for infertility...all failed. We tried timed intercourse with infertility meds-both pills & injectables; 5 IUIs with pills & injectables; 1 fresh IVF; and 1 FET. Nothing worked. Before we had IUIs, I had surgery to look at my insides and was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, that was in 2009. I cried. I developed moderate-borderline severe OHSS during one of the IUI cycles. The injectable medications for IVF left me with extra weight, what seems to be a permanent belly pooch, and while i was taking them, a had a bruised stomach, crazy mood swings, and hot flashes.

In 2012, after enduring daily pain for over a year and numerous ruptured ovarian cysts, I had a second laparoscopic surgery. A huge cyst burst during surgery and I lost part of one ovary. The doctor also removed numerous endometrial adhesions, including some around my bowels. After surgery, I was on basic bed rest for almost a week due to pain. It was not something I look forward to dong again, but it WILL be something that I have to go through again...because a year after that surgery, my symptoms came back again. I tried birth control pills, but I couldn't take the weight gain, acne, and migraines. So for now, I eat a low gluten diet (it helps decrease my symptoms), avoid soy (other than the tasty edamame at our fave sushi place), and exercise regularly (love my family at CrossFit Above The Bar). My husband and I have 2 beautiful children (through kinship adoption), 5 large rescue dogs, and 2 crazy cats-my life is full and wonderful....but I still have not come to grips with the fact that I will never have a use for newborn clothes in our house, or experience breast feeding or a pregnant belly.

So Dr. Drew, no-endometriosis is not a garbage bag diagnosis and endometriosis IS pathological. It is an actual disease, with actual consequences, and actual symptoms. It causes real pain and real health issues. For you to say, to millions of listeners, that it is not real, is a lie.

Rough times

The past several days have been rough, for a few reasons. I felt like because of the rough times, that my parenting sucked. Tonight my kids gave me countless hugs & kisses, and said that I was the best mom ever. And, I didn't even give ice cream to them today. Maybe I'm doing better than I thought. 

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.....

Me on the right, 115 lbs, about 20 yrs ago (age 17-18)

Me-winter 2011 in Colorado Springs, 135 lbs, size 4

Me-May 2012, about 135 lbs, size 4 (after a Spartan race)

Me-10 mos ago, about 140 lbs, size 6

Me-last summer (?), no idea of weight or size

Me-Sept 2013, about 145 lbs, size 8? (not sure)

Me-March 2014, 150 lbs, size medium in workout clothes (no idea of my number size)

This is likely to be a long, rambling post about my personal body image issues....not sure what the point is, except that I feel like I need to get it out.

First of all, the fact that I am posting that last picture...I hate that picture. But, in order to write about body image, I need to share that with anyone who is reading this. I am currently about 150 lbs and am 5'8.5" tall. My measurements are 39-I don't know (really, I don't....I hate measuring my waist)-41. I love my breasts and hips, but the rest...not so much.  The fact is, I have never really been 100% happy with me body. Yes, there are times I have felt more attractive, sexier, more confident but I have never felt 100% confident, not even last summer when I was rocking that green striped bikini. 

I have struggled with body image since at least junior high; of course back then, I was too skinny and was frequently told that I needed to eat more (I ate A TON of food), and was asked if I had an eating disorder. My breasts and hips were basically nonexistent, in a sea of girl friends who had at least some curves. I was 115 lbs, tall, lanky, and had trouble finding clothes that would fit properly. 

Around age 20, all of that changed. Within a month, I grew half an inch, my bra size increased by 2 cup sizes, and I put on 5+ pounds. It was like I had finally hit puberty! I liked my new curves, but was still not happy with my body or my looks. Of course, a lot of that had to do with the severe cystic acne that I was dealing with as well. Thankfully, no one was ever rude to me about that, but I still have scars on my face and I can still very well remember how awful my skin was, and how much it physically hurt. Thank God for accutane, that cleared everything up in 3 months. Even after it cleared, I was still self conscious, and still styled my hair in ways to cover portions of my face (far framing layers were a godsend). To this day, I will not even go to the gym without wearing at least some make-up. 

In my 30s, I battled infertility and lost. My husband and I went through 5+ yrs of treatments, from clomid and timed intercourse, all the way to IVF and then FET. The treatments ravaged my body and spirit. I gained over 20 lbs (and losing weight is not easy when you have PCOS and endometriosis), became depressed, and felt like nothing was in my control. (During this time, my husband deployed for a year and we adopted 2 children via kinship care, so stress was HIGH.) I turned to exercise and dieting, in a big way. I would come home from work and do 60-90 minutes of cardio exercise DVDs. I restricted caloric intake, at one point was eating only 1400 calories per day. I lost the weight, and was a size 4 for the first time in years!!! I was thrilled and was determined to keep off the weight after my husband returned...of course, that didn't happen because maintaining a weight of 132-135 lbs meant that I could not eat my favorite things or enjoy beer very often. I also was not strong at all...enter CrossFit. 

My husband and I started doing the CrossFit WODs that were posted on the main CrossFit site, and I started trail running. I trained for a Spartan race, and finished it :) Soon after, we PCS'd (Military talk for the Army made us move) to Florida and by then I was recovering from a torn meniscus from not squatting properly during thrusters. I didn't do any real formal exercise for several months, well other than DVDs and then occasional running. Then, we joined a local CrossFit box, and I fell in love with the sport and the culture. 

As I am sure you have noticed, I have not lost weight while doing CrossFit....and deep down, I am ok with that fact. My diet has not been the best, and I have had some injuries (not CrossFit related) over the past year that have prevented me from working out consistently at times. But guess what? 

I can dead lift 140 lbs.

I can back squat 105 lbs and front squat 80 lbs.

I can bench press 95 lbs.

I can power clean 100 lbs. 

I can clean & jerk 85 lbs (that is AFTER a shoulder injury that sidelined me from lifting for about 5 months). 

Those are the weights I am training myself to concentrate on now. I will never be 135 lbs again. I will never be a size 4 again. And that is okay. Being healthy, strong, and enjoying life is more important than a label in a pair of jeans, or a set of numbers on a scale. (I remind myself of that every singe day...maybe one day it will stick.)

I Can Do This

I have been feeling very out of sorts since having the kids home full time and my husband home most of the day over the past couple of weeks. There hasn't really been any routine, so homeschooling, exercise, and eating healthy has gone out the window. Consequently, I feel gross, have had more body pain, and have been in a funk. The kids have also watching more TV than I normally allow, and that is something that I really do  not like.

So over the past few days I've started making plans. I have started the process of enrolling Bella into an online, public school. I will still be homeschooling her, but now I will have a curriculum and teachers to assist me. Starting Monday and until the school year starts, I will be using an all in one home school curriculum from this site. I will be using the pre-school & kindergarten curriculum with her, and the preschool curriculum with Jax since he will be going into public, free, pre-k in the fall. I really feel that I can get Bella caught up on reading and other kindergarten goals by working one on one with her. My goal is for both of them to be in regular, public/private school by the time each of them is in the second grade.

This morning I also meal planned for the next 10 days, and made a grocery list of everything that I need to buy for the meals. Knowing that I know what to make for the next 10 days is actually a big relief for me, and it means no more fast food or ordering in for supper, which will help our budget and help our health. I am making a workout plan which includes daily yoga through Daily Burn on Hulu-stoked that I found Daily Burn! Oh, and I ordered a Beach Body plan....will write more about that when I actually get it.

Seriously, I feel so much better after making some sort of plan and basic daily schedule. I feel like I have some sort of control over my life again, which is nice. Now if I could just get my legs healed, I could work out exactly how I want and when I want.