My Advice to You

Right now, you are in the blissful part of the relationship. He is texting all day, complimenting you, perhaps already saying that he loves you. Maybe he's already met your young daughter, and has told you that he will help you with her needs. Likely, he hasn't gotten blackout drunk yet in front of you, and he definitely hasn't told you about his criminal record, or that he was unfaithful to me, and his first wife, numerous times. In fact, I was (unknowingly) the other woman in his first marriage; he told me that they were separated but years later I learned that they were not separated until after he met me. (Just FYI, he and I are not divorced like he told you, but we are separated...even though there's no such thing as legal separation in Florida.)

Did you know that a few short days before talking to you, he was trying to get another single mom to commit to him? Telling her that he loved her from the first time he saw her, and promising to take care of her kids? He was even willing to move out of state with her. Did he tell you that the reason I kicked him out was because of his alcoholism, infidelity, and abuse? And that he left the kids and me for another woman back in the Spring? No, I'm betting that he told you I'm some crazy stalker wife, who also cheated on him (see, that was his story to me about his first wife).  Does he tell you that he has not called our kids at all since he left? And that he spent their SSDI money on bars, escorts, and cigarettes? Did he tell you that he hasn't paid child support to his first wife in months? 

There will come a day when he does get blackout drunk, and probably punch holes in the wall. One day he will scream at you irrationally, maybe even shove you over a couch or hold a tomahawk to your throat while he says "I could kill you if I really wanted to." Perhaps he will even drive drunk again, and get his third DUI; or proposition your friend for sex. Maybe your daughter will do something that irritates him and he will scream at her. When he does any of those things my advice to you is get out. I should've gotten out years ago, and once I asked myself "Would I want a guy to treat my daughter the same way? Would I want my son to treat a girl this way?", the answer became clear. 

I'm sure you'll hear stories about me, likely all false, and that's fine. One day you'll track me down to ask questions, the same way I did with his first wife; and I will answer your questions, and let you know that I've been there, I recovered, and that my life ended up remarkably better without him in it. 

Power

My husband, P, left me. It was a long time coming, and things were more bad than good for years. War changed him....changed his brain, but he was not willing to truly receive help. Even now, he has been off his meds for at least a week (he left them here).

I used to be afraid to speak up about his behavior. He told me not to talk to anyone about our problems, but I am done being concerned with him and his wants. He chose alcohol, and another woman, over me...so I am done.

My first therapy session was a few days after he left. After he told me that he didn't want to be married any more. After he'd started an inappropriate "friendship" (700+ texts between them in days...yeah, more than friends i do believe) with a female coworker. After he refused again to stop binge drinking every day that he didn't work. I cried to her, and told her everything. I told her about the domestic violence arrest and how he blamed me for him being jailed, even though his behavior necessitated me calling law enforcement. I told her about the binge drinking, and the refusal to get help. I told her about my walking on eggshells, and how I covered for him at our gym ("oh, he's working/tired/sleeping"). I told her about him getting angry with me if I talked to friends about our problems. I told her about him calling the money "his money" since we had agreed that I would stay home with the kids while he worked. And then she said the words "You realize that these are all signs of emotional abuse. Whether consciously or not, he has been emotionally abusing for years." And then I cried, while agreeing with her.

Saying those words and accepting it was both terrifying and freeing. I have a professional and educational background in mental health, how could I let this happen to me?! Why did I allow him to come home after the domestic violence incident?! How can I ever trust my judgment regarding men again?! How am I going to raise my children, and keep the house, and keep our pets on my own?!

And then the therapist and I talked more...and she said these words, "You have more power than you think." She's right, I do. I also stopped covering for him, and when mutual friends have asked where he is, I reply truthfully...and then they have all offered help in one way or another. I have plans this weekend with a friend and her son. My family has rallied around the kids and me. I still worry about the future, but I know that my kids and I have enough support to get through this.

I am sharing to let others know, you are not alone and sharing is power.