Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends. 

They Don't Care

From the suicide note of Daniel Somers

I've wanted to write a post about combat related PTSD and TBI for a while, but honestly I burst into tears when I start putting my thoughts together about what to say. Then I thought maybe I'd research and use stats, and science, etc. but that stuff is so impersonal and I feel like people don't connect with straight information; so instead I will tell our story and how it affects the entire family. 

When P and I met in 2006, he was a relaxed, fun loving guy full of smiles. Maybe he was different at work (he was in training), but with me it was all fun. We went to fireworks shows, restaurants, bars, and just lived a fun life. He would travel to Tuscaloosa and see me, and I would travel to Georgia to see him. When he moved to Savannah, I visited there as well and we decided that I would relocate there while he was on his first deployment. It was a short deployment, but he saw action (he was Airborne infantry, so he was always in the thick of things, and never on a FOB but rather on a COP at best). He returned almost the same, though there were some small differences; gone were the nights of watching fireworks on River Street because he coldn't handle the noise. Restaurant trips changed too; now where we sat mattered because he needed (not wanted) to be able to see the main exit at all times. Bar hopping was hit or miss, depending on his overall mood he would either turn into a brooding, dark drinker, or the over the top "life of the party" drinker. He never would forget where I parked, though, no matter how many beers he'd had that night (there is a reason for me highlighting that fact). He did another short deployment while I was there, but it was a secret one that I only found out about recently when I was pouring over his military records. 

Fast forward to 2010, and we moved to Colorado on military orders. Within 3 months of our move, he was deployed to Afghanistan for a year....a fucking year. I was across the country from my family and friends, in a new job, and in the middle of infertility treatments while simultaneously working on gaining custody of our now children. My new work friends were awesome, and we worked on the Army post so I was surrounded but folks who got it...they understood that I needed my phone on me at all times, and understood if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. My clients were soldiers who were leaving the Army and they would give encouraging words and the obligatory "he'll be okay". Then August 30, 2010 happened. 

There was a communication blackout but P managed to borrow a cell phone from one of the Afghani soldiers so that he could call me. Physically he was fine, but there had been mass KIAs that day, 9 to be exact; and P had been there to see 2 of them. They were on a patrol, and his best friend as well as his Lieutenant were killed in front of them. He witnessed 2 of his friends blown to pieces, with some of their blood and body landing on him. P and others in the platoon did all that they could, and carried them to a helicopter but there was nothing to be done.  In P's mind, he should've died too. He didn't tell me all of those details until much later, but he called me that day to let me know that he was okay so that I wouldn't see something online or on the news and be worried that it was him. Later that week, or maybe it was the next week, I attended the memorial service for all 9 soldiers on post at one of the chapels. It was much like the ones portrayed on fiction TV shows, but so much worse because you know that it's real and as a wife, all I could think of was "thank God it wasn't my husband" which then made me feel guilty for even thinking that way. I cried, a lot, but I went back to work that day and put on a good face. 

June 2011, P came home from Afghanistan to a wife and 2 kids which would be a huge adjustment for anyone but for someone with PTSD and TBI (both which he did not yet know he had) was almost more than he could handle. He received no real emotional, psychiatric, or physical care upon his return. Returning from deployment is a huge deal, and there is a homecoming ceremony, but the military (or at least the Army) really does not care about truly caring for them once they return. They are expendable; there are others that they can send to take their place if they are killed or injured to the point of not being deployable again. They need a certain number of boots in theater, and they honest to God don't care how they get it. I have personally seen soldiers who were deemed "non-deployable" because of mental issues all of a sudden be deemed "deployable" because a unit needed to meet a certain number.

From June 2011 to now, we have been through hell and are working our way back. I knew that he was different, and he knew that he was different, but we didn't know how to deal with it. We also had no idea how serious it was until about a month ago when he got a hold of his medical records during his medical retirement process. Now although we understand it to a degree, we are dealing with a new normal and a new future. 

P is 31, he has PTSD, TBI which in turn have resulted in insomnia, nightmares, daily headaches, depression, and brain lesions. He also has other symptoms of PTSD-anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, etc. He has degenerative arthritis in his back, hips, and knees. He has 2 other spinal issues (I can't recall the name right now), as well as bunions and other problems with is feet. He has lost feeling in some of his extremities. 

He is only 31 years old. 

He is being medically retired, and the VA is recommending 100% disability. Per his TBI and PTSD testing results it is likely that he will not be able to hold a job due to the paranoia, headaches, flashbacks, anxiety and neurocognitive issues resulting from PTSD and TBI. 

He is only 31 years old. 

He has trouble remembering where we park the car if we go to the store. He has nightmares, even though he takes medication for it. He can't run any more. He still has to see all the exits in a restaurant when we go out to eat. He cannot tolerate crowds, and has only gone to one fireworks show in 8 years. He is no longer the carefree, happy go lucky man that I met 9 years ago in Georgia. He is in physical pain every single day. He can no longer watch military related movies or documentaries. His one attempt at going to church with the kids and me, on Xmas Eve to see the kids perform, resulted in his worst panic attack ever. He doesn't really know how to relate to civilians any more, because they "have no idea what it's like".  He thinks about his friend, the one he saw blown up, everyday. 

He is only 31 years old.

I've had to change the way I communicate with him. I realize now that he processes things differently than he used to, and I've had to adjust to that. It isn't that he ignores the fact that the house needs cleaning, it's truly that he doesn't notice (he doesn't get a pass on throwing his clothes on the floor, though). He wasn't always gas lighting me in the past, he truly does not remember things well and sometimes doesn't remember them at all. I've had to teach him how to interact with the kids. He doesn't feel true happiness as much, and his smile is different. He's applied for SSDI. 

He is only 31 years old. 

I am applying to become his caregiver through the VA because I cannot go back to work. The pay will be tax exempt, and it will help us make up the difference between what he makes now and what he will get paid during retirement. The truth is, he needs help from me every single day; and that's okay, I'm not complaining. I make sure that he takes his meds, eats somewhat healthy, makes the calls that he needs to make, and help him stay occupied so that he doesn't spiral into a dark hole of depression. We take walks almost daily, just the 2 of us while the kids are in school, so that we can talk and reconnect. Next week I am making (yes, making him, lol) start a stretching program to hopefully help with pain. I am researching getting one of our dogs trained as a service dog so that perhaps he will feel more comfortable in public, so that maybe we can go out more and to new places without him having so much anxiety.

He is only 31 years old.

The government does not care; there is not enough money or resources to care for the troops coming home who need help. In general, the people of this country do not care; they are quick to say that we as a country need to go to war, rather than exhaust every diplomatic solution. And they damn sure won't sign up themselves, or tell their spouse to sign up, or take their kids to a recruiter to sign up. No, no-that they won't do. They will cry for war from the comfort of their homes, watching news reports, and praying to keep the troops safe but they don't have to experience it IN their homes. There are not enough mental health or physical health services for our Veterans. For some of them, the VA is the only place that they can receive affordable health care, but many times they live hours away from a VA Center or hospital. We are fortunate that we will still have TriCare so he can receive services at the local Air Force bases, the VA Center and Hospital, or private doctors. The fact that there are homeless Veterans, and Veterans who die by suicide every day because of lack of care is disgraceful and unforgivable. 

This is only a small portion of our story, our whole story in living with his PTSD and TBI could fill a book. And we are far from the only ones living this life. So please, share this and share any other military PTSD related experiences. Read Daniel Somers's suicide letter. Watch Restrepo to get a real idea of what our troops experience at war. Volunteer in your community to help Veterans or to even visit Veteran retirement homes (yes, those exist). Take action, don't just pray for them. Do something to help, we are begging you. 22 a day, that's the number of Veterans who die by suicide. Think about that the next time that you think that war is the answer. 

A New Outlook

Today I realized how much P and I learned while we were separated, and how our separation might have actually been what we needed. We are communicating better with each other, which was a MAJOR issue with us before, and we are both making efforts to show gratitude towards each other. Really, we are both making an effort in our relationship which is something that we have not done in a long time. Marriage really is work, not in the bad sense, but work nonetheless; and I know that some people feel that if marriage is work then perhaps you're married to the wrong person but I completely disagree, especially in Military marriages involving PTSD.

I am still grieving the loss of the man I married, and he is grieving the loss of the man who used to be, but we are finding out that it's not all bad. With him getting medically retired and me becoming his caregiver, we will have more time with each other, and with the kids. We will also have time to finally pursue hobbies-cars for him, photography for me. He will be able to grow a beard and stop getting up stupid early, which means that he will be able to help me with the kids and the pets every morning. I will be able to volunteer at the kids' school and go on field trips with them, and P will no miss out on the kids' school activities or sports due to work. We will have time to exercise and get healthy again. If we can find an affordable, reliable house/pet sitter, we might even finally be able to travel to Costa Rica to visit family.

How did I come to decision to change my attitude and be more positive? Exercise...no really, I mean it. I have started working out again (I have 20 damn pounds to lose) and it is clearing my head. I've been doing yoga, pilates, and taking walks outside while listening to the Nerdist podcast (sometimes I laugh out loud and get some looks but whatever), and it all just clicked. That dark cloud parted and I was able to see all the good possibilities in the future. Now, we just need to make them happen.

One Last Chance

This quote pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment. If you are friends with me on FB, Twitter or IG, you know that my husband and I are giving our marriage one last chance. We still love each other, but we obviously have issues that we each need to work through both separately, and together. There are many reasons that I decided to take him back and try again.

P is being medically retired from the Army and has a preliminary rating of 100% disabled. He has brain damage, including lesions, from several explosions; 2 of them knocked him unconscious for at least 10 minutes, and he had concussion symptoms with all of the explosions. Doctors have stated that he will not be able to work in the civilian world due to his brain damage as well as his PTSD. Currently, he is not able to do his job per doctor's orders. He also has physical damage, such as arthritis in his hips and knees, as well as spinal injuries; these make him unable to run, walk long distances, stand for long periods of times, or hike while carrying weight. He is only 31 years old. They already talked to him about eventually needing a caregiver to help him with daily life...so that will be me. 

I didn't take him back because I feel sorry for him, not at all. I agreed to one last chance because he finally admitted that he is "fucked up" and needs help, and he is getting help. We sat down together and came up with a contract of sorts-things that he and I agree to in our marriage, including marriage counseling and some other things (literally, an entire page of items). 

While his disabilities so not excuse much of his behavior, it does explain some of it. Many of the times that I thought he was gas lighting me, he most likely truly did not remember things that were said/done. His horrible mood swings and hair trigger temper? Completely caused by PTSD and brain damage. Reading one of the reports from one of the doctors really enlightened me, and I learned more about what happened during his deployments. It really infuriates me that the Army knew about his concussions, and did nothing at all upon his return from deployment. 

I never stopped loving him, even through all the hurt that he caused me. He came home from the desert a different man; but somewhere in my heart I remembered the man that I met on Tybee Island in 2006. He will never be that man again, and I know that; but maybe we can get back to the love that we had for each other. 

So there it is, the reasons that we are trying again. 

My Next Husband...

I used to joke about that, saying "my next husband will/won't" but now I guess it's no longer a joke. So tonight I've decided to make that list, for real. 

My next husband will:

love me, and respect me

love animals, and love my fur babies as much as I do

love my kids as much as he would his own

go to church with us, at least a few times per year

enjoy the beach and outdoors in general

be financially responsible

support my goals

help with yard work

take me on dates that don't involve bars

choose me and defend me against his family

love college football (ok, kidding but it's definitely a plus)

be taller than I am (call me petty, but it's a preference)

be committed to living a healthy lifestyle (not a fanatical one; but regularly exercising, and eating healthy, at home, most of the time)

be pro-choice (#sorrynotsorry)

give me plenty of TLC when I am sick or injured (no putting me in the bedroom, while he drinks and ignores me)

support me being a SAHM as long as finances allow it

My next husband will not:

be abusive to my fur babies, my kids, or me

have any active addiction issues

be an avid gamer 

smoke (occasional cigars are ok)

be racist, sexist, homophobic

be a sport hunter

I think that's it for now. I really don't think this is too much to ask for, at all. 

That Night....

Last year, in mid June I called 911 to come to my house for a domestic disturbance. Ex was wasted off vodka, and in a downward PTSD spiral. The police arrested him, he was in jail for 4 days, and there was a no contact order for 30 days. I lied to the police. The police lied on their report...but this is what happened.

Stupidly, ex wanted to watch Restrepo and i let him try to watch it for the 5th time. He couldn't handle it (understandable) and then turned on some other war movie, i don't remember the name but it was fiction. He couldn't handle that one either. He began to scream at me and berate me, about my not understanding what he did, what all he went through, what all of them went through. I managed to get the kids locked into the master bedroom, with a movie going. Ex continued to scream at me about any and everything...for over 3 hours. I tried everything-calm voice to de-escalate, yelling back to match him, walking away (that didn't work-he physically cornered me, raising his fist as I cried hysterically). At one point he decided to dismantle and clean MY 9mm. When I asked him to stop doing it because it scared me, drop the gun piece at me; the pieces bounced up and hit my leg, causing a small cut and some blood. I was freaked out and pissed, so i threw 2 of the big pieces at the wall (not at him, nowhere near him at all), and caused holes. No, I am not proud of that, but it's what happened. He preyed upon that, calling me crazy; then he went for his keys, to drive to liquor store for more vodka....

I made the mistake of trying to physically block him from his keys (he had 2 DUIs already), and he pushed me. I fell over the back of the couch, onto the floor, hitting my head. (It's not the first time something like that had happened; the summer before, it happened but it was outside, and i hit my head on the concrete.) Still, I did't call the police. I tried to reason with him to not drive. Next thing I knew, he'd gone into the bedroom, gotten the 2 tomahawks (gifts from me and an Army unit) and he pushed them into my throat...his arms crossed, blades at each of my external jugulars, and he said something...i can't remember what...and had this disconnected, Joker type laugh. Once I got away, that is when I finally called 911.

I made the decision to not tell the cops about the tomahawks, because I was worried about how much trouble he would be in if i did. I told the truth about everything else, but the cops wrote it up in their report that I said he threw the gun at me (I did not, and i did not write that in my victim statement). They said I stated there was a history of violence (there was, but I stated there was a history of verbal fighting). He went to jail.

My intention was not to send him to jail, I just needed someone to step in and mediate. Did he deserve jail for 4 days? In hindsight, yes. Then, he had me so messed up that I was apologizing to him, and I even cut myself for the first time in years. Because of how messed up i was, I went to the ADA's office and begged for them to give him Veteran's Court instead of criminal court. And they did. Has it helped? No, not really. Did he stop putting hands on me? yes. Did he stop abusing me? no.

I say all this, not to slam him, but to finally say it out loud. And to acknowledge all of it. And to show that I have actually made progress.

I also want to say that we were happy once, so fucking happy, truly happy. He was not always this way, and I blame the war, but he also has refused help at every turn. PTSD and TBI mess up people so much, and then so many self medicate with alcohol or drugs. I don't know what to do to fix it, but I want it out there, that ex is one of those; and that I am one of those whose a victim.

I will be okay. My kids will be okay. My fur babies will be okay. My ex? He will not be okay; not until he is forced to get help.

No Regrets

This quote from SATC is great, and is something that my therapist and I talked about during my first session. No, she didn't use this exact quote (though that would've been awesome), but the meaning was the same. I broke down crying about the years I'd spent on the relationship, the career I'd given up because of military moves and then when we decided that I would stay at home. Her words were truth and comforting...that I had done what anyone would do-I kept my promises and vows; he's the one who (repeatedly) broke those promises. I cannot spend time regretting my choices or emotionally beating myself up. I did what I was supposed to do as a spouse, it was my husband that did not. 

So now I look forward to new beginnings, and better things. I am doing my best to not try to look/plan too far into the future, because that would drive me crazy. Each day will get a little better, and I will be a little closer to whomever I need to be. 

Power

My husband, P, left me. It was a long time coming, and things were more bad than good for years. War changed him....changed his brain, but he was not willing to truly receive help. Even now, he has been off his meds for at least a week (he left them here).

I used to be afraid to speak up about his behavior. He told me not to talk to anyone about our problems, but I am done being concerned with him and his wants. He chose alcohol, and another woman, over me...so I am done.

My first therapy session was a few days after he left. After he told me that he didn't want to be married any more. After he'd started an inappropriate "friendship" (700+ texts between them in days...yeah, more than friends i do believe) with a female coworker. After he refused again to stop binge drinking every day that he didn't work. I cried to her, and told her everything. I told her about the domestic violence arrest and how he blamed me for him being jailed, even though his behavior necessitated me calling law enforcement. I told her about the binge drinking, and the refusal to get help. I told her about my walking on eggshells, and how I covered for him at our gym ("oh, he's working/tired/sleeping"). I told her about him getting angry with me if I talked to friends about our problems. I told her about him calling the money "his money" since we had agreed that I would stay home with the kids while he worked. And then she said the words "You realize that these are all signs of emotional abuse. Whether consciously or not, he has been emotionally abusing for years." And then I cried, while agreeing with her.

Saying those words and accepting it was both terrifying and freeing. I have a professional and educational background in mental health, how could I let this happen to me?! Why did I allow him to come home after the domestic violence incident?! How can I ever trust my judgment regarding men again?! How am I going to raise my children, and keep the house, and keep our pets on my own?!

And then the therapist and I talked more...and she said these words, "You have more power than you think." She's right, I do. I also stopped covering for him, and when mutual friends have asked where he is, I reply truthfully...and then they have all offered help in one way or another. I have plans this weekend with a friend and her son. My family has rallied around the kids and me. I still worry about the future, but I know that my kids and I have enough support to get through this.

I am sharing to let others know, you are not alone and sharing is power.

My Best

I needed to see this today. And I need to tell myself this every single day. Being a mother is a challenge. Homeschooling my children is a challenge. Being a wife and caregiver to my husband, an Army Veteran, is a challenge.....a big challenge, possibly the biggest challenge that I've ever faced. 

P, my husband, is in the beginning process of getting medically retired from the military. Now in addition to his regular medical and mental health appointments, he has appointments with the VA (several hours away). This means that my appointments are on the back burner, because I need him home with the kids when I'm at my appointments. And no, getting a sitter isn't an option because we simply cannot afford a sitter that often. 

I do the best that I can everyday, but some days (like today) I get overwhelmed with guilt that I am not doing enough, or doing the right stuff. I worry that I am not doing enough school with the kids (which is ridiculous, because they learn all the time and they are young). I worry that every parenting mistake that I've ever made, the kids will remember (again, ridiculous). I worry that the stress of being a caregiver will overtake my marriage. I worry about not having enough life to live my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love staying at home. I just feel stretched, like I have nothing more to give...but I can't stop giving. 

I ordered this book today, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations fro Women. I plan to get up each morning and read it before the kids wake up. I have to do something peaceful for me, so that i can continue to give. 

Optimism

Today was a turning point for me, and I don't know why; but today I have felt more optimistic and hopeful about life, marriage, parenting, than I have in so very long. Nothing special happened; in fact, my husband is at work today (and no, his absence wasn't the reason). My only answer to this is prayer. 

I have been praying for so long, that my marriage would get better, and that life would get better. Not to say that I haven't taken some action, but I believe that regular praying and finding a church home has given me the confidence to make changes. I literally chose one night, during a prayer, to "let go and let God." I stopped praying for specifics and just basically said "you know my needs. please, i beg you to fix this, show me a way to fix it." I didn't feel better overnight, but over a few weeks time I have felt the change. 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes now, and I get that...i really do. I would've rolled my eyes at me a few months ago. But whatever, it's the only reason that I have for my change. I am facing so much shit right now-bankruptcy, marriage stuff (husband's PTSD, TBI, and combat related health issues), parenting challenges, and my own personal shit-yet somehow, I am feeling so much better about everything. Our kids are loved and healthy. Our fur babies are loved and healthy. We are not in danger of losing our house, or our vehicles, or our lives. We've decided to once more try to get pregnant (that's a whole other challenge). I am facing so many challenges in 2015, but right now I am at peace. And that my friends, says a lot.

Homeschool Day 1

I really wanted to come up with a clever title for this, but it's almost 14:00 and I am just now sitting down for lunch because I am exhausted. I love it, though. I feel like quitting my job outside the home was the best decision for us right now, no matter how stressful it is financially.

My goal was always to start homeschooling the day after Labor Day but I'd hoped that I'd have the Connections Academy curriculum by now. Due to paperwork issues, B just got 100% enrolled today, so we don't have the materials yet; so today we were on our own :) Since the kids are very close to the same level academically, today was pretty easy and fun. I had downloaded several educational apps on my Kindle, so we read some online books, did numbers games, and did matching games. Then the kids rode their bikes for 35 minutes while i walked with them. B wasn't too sure about the whole school thing at first (she HATED regular school & was very stressed), but when she realized that it was fun, she was all in! B is also starting soccer tonight, so she will get to meet friends and interact with more kids which makes us both happy.

One of the things that I like about homeschooling is the flexibility, which is about to become very important to me. Our schedule is already going to be busy with homeschool, soccer, play dates (through the local homeschooling group), CrossFit (including my intern duties) and church, and it's only going to get worse when i have shoulder surgery on the 16th of this month. Yes, I am that crazy woman who is homeschooling 2 kids, taking care of 7 pets, and getting shoulder surgery. Yes, my husband will be helping some for the first week, but he also has a job in which he cannot take off a lot of time.  Hopefully I will feel okay enough to blog about my shoulder surgery.

Okay, so now I need to get ready to take the kids to the grocery store and shopping for soccer stuff for tonight. I really think I might need a hot bath tonight.

Kids' Bedroom is DONE

The kids have never really had a decorated room. In Colorado, I had 10 days to prepare for them moving in, so they had necessities but not decor. When we moved here, they were originally sleeping in the now playroom, and my brother in law and his wife (best sister in law EVER) were living with us and sleeping in the kids' now bedroom. When they moved out, we moved the kids in there but didn't know how to decorate it. The kids share a bed and a room (their choice), so decor had to please both of them. They picked out bedding, but then we didn't get any further....until now :)

Here are some before pictures:

And here are the after pictures :) To say that I am THRILLED is an understatement!

The green wall is Jax's wall. They each got to pink a wall color for one wall, and he picked green. He also loves Daleks. 

This is Bella's wall-she loves pink, princesses and Doctor Who.

That is the exploding TARDIS print....yes, we have little Whovians :)

They picked out this bedding from Target. They like is because the blue robots remind them of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. 

Better view of the Dalek poster. 

Their before bedtime books :) 

They agreed on this toy organizer for their bedroom. They also agreed that the toy organizer for the playroom will be Cars themed.

They've had this book shelf since we first gained custody of them <3

They now have their own space, that they partially decorated and gave opinions about everything. It makes them happy and makes me so very happy. They'd better like it for years to come because this momma is so not repainting any time soon....so much paint on me! 

Next mission, finish the trim work in the hallway! Mission "make this house into a home" is 100% underway!

Making a House a Home

Life has been busy and I have felt disorganized and out of sorts, so I've decided to do something about it. Lets start with the house....

We've been here about 2 years but it's still not put together at all, and it's been driving me crazy. I feel like we can't have friends over because I am embarrassed about how it looks. Granted, our yard sucks too, but at least we have some patio furniture and a grill so I'm ok with the backyard for now. Well, I decided to do something to start getting the house in order.

Yesterday I decided that the bathrooms, kids' bedroom, and the playroom HAD to get 100% put together, and soon. So, I painted the master bathroom a gleaming shade of white and talked to the kids about colors for their bedroom (more on that in a minute). I know what y'all are thinking "Ooooo, gleaming white, so daring" (while rolling your eyes), and yeah I know that white walls aren't for everyone, but I love simple, minimalist bathrooms. I don't like all the jars full of Qtips, cotton balls, etc everywhere on shelves and counters. I don't like lots of patterns and stuff in small spaces, and I don't like dark walls or dark accents in bathrooms. So in our master bathroom, this is the center of attention

I bought this years ago when we lived in Colorado, and I still love it. Now that the walls are gleaming white, the colors in it stand out even more. I bought these a few months ago (there's also a soap dish) and LOVE them! (well, the kids broke the cup but that's no biggie, shit happens when kids handle breakables)

I bet you're wondering why I don't show a picture of the entire bathroom...well, that's because it's dirty right now, including the painting supplies, and I'm too lazy to clean it at the moment. Any way, I am happy with the master bathroom for now. Still need to get a couple of towel rods, and eventually I'd like to replace the light fixture but that is down the road. BTW, here is a link to the shower curtain that I bought at WalMart-I like it and it was cheap! The half bath just needs a fresh coat of white paint, a trash can, and a new rug-easy peasy!

Next up is the kids' bedroom. A, our 6 yr daughter, and J, our 4.5 yr old son, share a room and a full size bed. They want it that way, so that way it shall stay. They literally refuse to get separate beds or rooms, so it kind of makes things easy. This is their bedding (they jointly chose it):

Additionally, they have the window toppers to match the bedding, Doctor Who posters (framed) and a closet with curtains instead of doors. I'm happy with the decor so far, but the walls badly need painting. So I talked with the kids and we decided that 2 small walls would be eggshell color, and they would each get to pick a color for 1 of the remaining walls. B wants her wall to be pink and J wants his wall to be green, so that's what they will get! We are going to get paint today, and I will paint all the walls today and tonight. After the painting, the room will only need mini-blinds, a toy chest, and a second dresser. We bought the first dresser from Target, and with much cussing and alcohol, I finally got it together, so I made the decision that I will not be doing that again. Instead, I will be trolling Craigslist, yard sales, and thrift stores until I find a second dresser and a toy chest. The kids are so excited to have their room complete, and so am I!

Lastly, the kids' playroom needs to get finished...that is gonna be a chore. Here are a couple of pictures from a few months ago (pay no attention to the headboard, footboard, etc-those are gone now).

It needs a second coat of yellow paint, mini-blinds, curtains (for the window and closet), wall decor (I'm thinking Disney posters), a chalkboard area (they love chalk), a new rug, more organizing baskets, a full size bed (to replace the stained couch) with lots of large couch pillows so that the kids can use it as a couch. For now, I will settle for the paint, curtains, and rug. 

While I am redoing that part of the house, I am also hanging curtains (already purchased) in the TV room and looking for 2 "new to us" couches. After I am done with the bathrooms and kids' rooms, I'll start working on trim work in the hallway, then changing one of the paint colors in the family room and hallway. *sigh* Maybe I can get done with the whole house by Thanksgiving. 

There ya have it, my house redoing plans for the next couple of weeks. I will be sure to post some before and after pictures. 

Maniac Monday

In an effort to get myself to blog more, and get the worries on paper and out of my head, I am starting Maniac Mondays on here. I am going to type out every current worry that I currently have, then I will do my best to NOT worry about them for the rest of the week.

Money-Becoming a SAHM has been a bigger financial burden that we originally thought. I know it won't last forever, and it is truly worth it (for many reasons), but it sucks. I am restarting the Dave Ramsey plan and am determined to get us on track. And no, I don't do the couponing thing because honestly, we don't eat many foods that are coupon-able (yes, I made up that word). I *do* shop at a certain grocery store, and utilize the rewards card and all their sales. I could go on and on about money, but if I do then there won't be time for any other worries.

Parenting-I think that every decent parent worries that they are not a good parent. Do they watch too much TV? Am I giving them enough freedom? Do they have too much freedom? Am I too easy on them? Am I too hard on them? Seriously, these are only some of the questions that I ask myself everyday.

Marriage-Relationships are hard, including marriage. I don't care what anyone says, marriage is not easy. Balancing parenting AND marriage is even more difficult and complicated. Worth it? yes. Hard at times? Yes.

Pets-Yes, I worry about being a good parent to our pets. I worry about affording the best food, the best toys, and the best vet care for them. I worry about providing the best life for them, and making sure that they are happy and safe.

Body issues-Every. Single Day. CrossFit is helping but still, I really need to throw away our scale. Speaking of weight, I PR'd my power hang clean last week! I'm now up to 100 lbs :)

Ok, that's it for today. Now I have to get on with my day, including CrossFit.

No Need to Hurry Fun

One of the perks of becoming a SAHM is that on days like this-cloudy, dealing with a migraine hangover, feeling tired-I don't feel like we have to do something fun to salvage the weekend. When I was working outside the home, I felt pressure to make Saturdays and Sundays fun, and if I didn't I felt a tremendous amount of Mommy guilt. The relief I feel to not have that guilt is wonderful.

I have a confession, we have not been homeschooling yet. I did a lot of research and asked many questions in FB groups regarding homeschooling and the overwhelming response was, don't do anything formal until they are 6 or 7 years old. This makes perfect sense to me!

When I was 5 yrs old, kindergarten was half a day, and it was filled with coloring, playing, some reading, and recess; so that is what I have been doing around here. We play games like CandyLand and Chutes & Ladders to help with numbers and colors. I read to/with them daily, and they watch some tv like Sesame Street and the Magic Bus. I've also been teaching them about gardening, and we even planted some seeds that are growing! And because of some tense times with our zoo of cats and dogs, they have learned some animal first aid, as well as how to take care of hurt pets. Since we make regular trips to the beach, they are also learning about tides, jellyfish, sharks, and all things ocean related. So far, this method of "teaching" has been working very well & the kids are actually enjoying learning new things.

So for now, we are going to enjoy the spring and summer months, make frequent beach trips, cook meals as a family (the kids love to help us cook), and then start some structured homeschooling in the fall.

Rough times

The past several days have been rough, for a few reasons. I felt like because of the rough times, that my parenting sucked. Tonight my kids gave me countless hugs & kisses, and said that I was the best mom ever. And, I didn't even give ice cream to them today. Maybe I'm doing better than I thought. 

I Can Do This

I have been feeling very out of sorts since having the kids home full time and my husband home most of the day over the past couple of weeks. There hasn't really been any routine, so homeschooling, exercise, and eating healthy has gone out the window. Consequently, I feel gross, have had more body pain, and have been in a funk. The kids have also watching more TV than I normally allow, and that is something that I really do  not like.

So over the past few days I've started making plans. I have started the process of enrolling Bella into an online, public school. I will still be homeschooling her, but now I will have a curriculum and teachers to assist me. Starting Monday and until the school year starts, I will be using an all in one home school curriculum from this site. I will be using the pre-school & kindergarten curriculum with her, and the preschool curriculum with Jax since he will be going into public, free, pre-k in the fall. I really feel that I can get Bella caught up on reading and other kindergarten goals by working one on one with her. My goal is for both of them to be in regular, public/private school by the time each of them is in the second grade.

This morning I also meal planned for the next 10 days, and made a grocery list of everything that I need to buy for the meals. Knowing that I know what to make for the next 10 days is actually a big relief for me, and it means no more fast food or ordering in for supper, which will help our budget and help our health. I am making a workout plan which includes daily yoga through Daily Burn on Hulu-stoked that I found Daily Burn! Oh, and I ordered a Beach Body plan....will write more about that when I actually get it.

Seriously, I feel so much better after making some sort of plan and basic daily schedule. I feel like I have some sort of control over my life again, which is nice. Now if I could just get my legs healed, I could work out exactly how I want and when I want.

This job is so easy....

said no stay at home mom, EVER. Seriously, I had no idea how exhausting this would be. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining at all-I am incredibly thankful to be able to stay home-but dear sweet baby Jesus, this is tiring. Today I slept in and our girl was almost late to school, so starting Monday this is how my schedule will look:

0530-Wake up with my husband, get his coffee going and get him out the door to work. Once he's gone, drink some coffee while I do my daily cleaning: sweep all floors, dust all rooms, empty dishwasher, clean out letterbox, wipe down bathrooms, empty any full trash cans.

0645-wake kids up so I can get B to school by 0750 (though that might change, I'll write about that in a separate post).

0800-0900-Breakfast for J and me, feed dogs & cats, start a load of laundry.

0900-11:15-I work online while J colors, practices his name, & plays with toys (all in the same room with me). Dogs play outside, while I pray that none of them escape the yard, AGAIN.

11:15-12:00-Lunch for J and me :)

12:00-14:00-Nap/quiet time for J while I answer email, watch House of Cards (or The Good Wife), play with dogs, deal with more laundry, clean up from lunch.

14:00-Leave home to pick up B from kindergarten.

14:30-15:45- Kids play & have snack (they totally miss each other during the day <3).

15:45-17:30-Make it to the 16:00 CrossFit class (except on Tues, I go to the 13:45 yoga class, then this CrossFit class), then hangout until the 17:30 class.

18:00-20:30-Homework with B, supper (for us and fur kids), bath time (for the kids), bed time routine and tuck them in by 20:30.

20:30-22:00-Finally have some alone time with my husband, then bed.


So now my friends, you see why I don't return calls/texts/emails/messages in a timely manner. I love y'all-i really do-but I am trying to figure out a routine that works and that allows me to pursue a flexible career in CrossFit and nutrition. *sigh* Send vodka, please.

So yeah, I heart CrossFit

That's me, in the green shirt, conquering my fear of heights.

I thought that I might as well go ahead and get this post out of the way because much of my time these days, and in the future, will revolve around CrossFit. What is CrossFit you might ask? Basically, it is a fitness program that focuses on functional movements and improving overall functional fitness. Everyday our workout changes (there are even WODs, workout of the day, posted on the main CrossFit page). We do things like rope climb, run, row, lift weights, flip tires, and generally have fun.

What brought me to CrossFit? Well, I got tired of exercising on my own and not getting the results that I wanted. I was lifting, but wasn't increasing enough. I was skinny, a size 4, but I was not strong. So I looked up CrossFit online and starting doing WODs on my own, and without a coach to watch me, I ended up with a torn meniscus. Fast forward about 6 months, we had moved to Florida and I found a CrossFit box that was affordable, had a kids' area, and was close to our home. We visited once and LOVED it. The head coach is former military, there are folks of all ages and fitness levels, and there are plenty of women members. Oh, and the coaching is GREAT-small classes at least 1 coach (usually 2) in each class, and lots of personal attention.

I have been at it for a year now, off and on (I've had a surgery & 2 non-CrossFit injuries that required time off), and I still love it. I have NEVER stuck with a fitness program this long. I have increased all of my lifts, my rowing has improved (I cannot run right now), I can climb a freaking rope(!) and my self esteem has improved. I've made friends who are like family to me. I love it so much, that I plan to become a certified CrossFit coach. We recently added yoga to our box so now I'll be doing that 3 times a week, too.

So now that I have that CrossFit love fest out of the way, what do you do to stay healthy/exercise?

Where do I begin...

I am jumping back into the blogging world after years away from it. It wasn't you, blogging world, it was me. Life got way too busy-working full time, moving across the country, being a Mommy, and attending to our 7 fur babies. Quite frankly, I didn't have much time for anything....but now that has changed.

As of last week, I am officially a SAHM. Wow, I cannot believe that I actually get to say that...I am a stay at home mom. For the past 20 years, I have held some sort of job-from working part time at Sears as a high school senior, to (most recently) working full time as a program manager for a non-profit. The most recent job was taking me away from family too much, and since my husband's job is not traditional and he does not work "normal" hours/shifts, it all became too much. The strain was evident in our marriage and in our kids, especially in our kindergartener-she needs more individual help with school than I was able to give while working full-time.

So here I am, a new stay at home mom to a kindergarten daughter, B, and a 4 year old son, J, and guardian of our 5 crazy dogs and 2 scheming cats. There is truly never a dull day in our home, and now I finally have time to share those stories (and others) again.