A New Outlook

Today I realized how much P and I learned while we were separated, and how our separation might have actually been what we needed. We are communicating better with each other, which was a MAJOR issue with us before, and we are both making efforts to show gratitude towards each other. Really, we are both making an effort in our relationship which is something that we have not done in a long time. Marriage really is work, not in the bad sense, but work nonetheless; and I know that some people feel that if marriage is work then perhaps you're married to the wrong person but I completely disagree, especially in Military marriages involving PTSD.

I am still grieving the loss of the man I married, and he is grieving the loss of the man who used to be, but we are finding out that it's not all bad. With him getting medically retired and me becoming his caregiver, we will have more time with each other, and with the kids. We will also have time to finally pursue hobbies-cars for him, photography for me. He will be able to grow a beard and stop getting up stupid early, which means that he will be able to help me with the kids and the pets every morning. I will be able to volunteer at the kids' school and go on field trips with them, and P will no miss out on the kids' school activities or sports due to work. We will have time to exercise and get healthy again. If we can find an affordable, reliable house/pet sitter, we might even finally be able to travel to Costa Rica to visit family.

How did I come to decision to change my attitude and be more positive? Exercise...no really, I mean it. I have started working out again (I have 20 damn pounds to lose) and it is clearing my head. I've been doing yoga, pilates, and taking walks outside while listening to the Nerdist podcast (sometimes I laugh out loud and get some looks but whatever), and it all just clicked. That dark cloud parted and I was able to see all the good possibilities in the future. Now, we just need to make them happen.

One Last Chance

This quote pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment. If you are friends with me on FB, Twitter or IG, you know that my husband and I are giving our marriage one last chance. We still love each other, but we obviously have issues that we each need to work through both separately, and together. There are many reasons that I decided to take him back and try again.

P is being medically retired from the Army and has a preliminary rating of 100% disabled. He has brain damage, including lesions, from several explosions; 2 of them knocked him unconscious for at least 10 minutes, and he had concussion symptoms with all of the explosions. Doctors have stated that he will not be able to work in the civilian world due to his brain damage as well as his PTSD. Currently, he is not able to do his job per doctor's orders. He also has physical damage, such as arthritis in his hips and knees, as well as spinal injuries; these make him unable to run, walk long distances, stand for long periods of times, or hike while carrying weight. He is only 31 years old. They already talked to him about eventually needing a caregiver to help him with daily life...so that will be me. 

I didn't take him back because I feel sorry for him, not at all. I agreed to one last chance because he finally admitted that he is "fucked up" and needs help, and he is getting help. We sat down together and came up with a contract of sorts-things that he and I agree to in our marriage, including marriage counseling and some other things (literally, an entire page of items). 

While his disabilities so not excuse much of his behavior, it does explain some of it. Many of the times that I thought he was gas lighting me, he most likely truly did not remember things that were said/done. His horrible mood swings and hair trigger temper? Completely caused by PTSD and brain damage. Reading one of the reports from one of the doctors really enlightened me, and I learned more about what happened during his deployments. It really infuriates me that the Army knew about his concussions, and did nothing at all upon his return from deployment. 

I never stopped loving him, even through all the hurt that he caused me. He came home from the desert a different man; but somewhere in my heart I remembered the man that I met on Tybee Island in 2006. He will never be that man again, and I know that; but maybe we can get back to the love that we had for each other. 

So there it is, the reasons that we are trying again. 

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

That Night....

Last year, in mid June I called 911 to come to my house for a domestic disturbance. Ex was wasted off vodka, and in a downward PTSD spiral. The police arrested him, he was in jail for 4 days, and there was a no contact order for 30 days. I lied to the police. The police lied on their report...but this is what happened.

Stupidly, ex wanted to watch Restrepo and i let him try to watch it for the 5th time. He couldn't handle it (understandable) and then turned on some other war movie, i don't remember the name but it was fiction. He couldn't handle that one either. He began to scream at me and berate me, about my not understanding what he did, what all he went through, what all of them went through. I managed to get the kids locked into the master bedroom, with a movie going. Ex continued to scream at me about any and everything...for over 3 hours. I tried everything-calm voice to de-escalate, yelling back to match him, walking away (that didn't work-he physically cornered me, raising his fist as I cried hysterically). At one point he decided to dismantle and clean MY 9mm. When I asked him to stop doing it because it scared me, drop the gun piece at me; the pieces bounced up and hit my leg, causing a small cut and some blood. I was freaked out and pissed, so i threw 2 of the big pieces at the wall (not at him, nowhere near him at all), and caused holes. No, I am not proud of that, but it's what happened. He preyed upon that, calling me crazy; then he went for his keys, to drive to liquor store for more vodka....

I made the mistake of trying to physically block him from his keys (he had 2 DUIs already), and he pushed me. I fell over the back of the couch, onto the floor, hitting my head. (It's not the first time something like that had happened; the summer before, it happened but it was outside, and i hit my head on the concrete.) Still, I did't call the police. I tried to reason with him to not drive. Next thing I knew, he'd gone into the bedroom, gotten the 2 tomahawks (gifts from me and an Army unit) and he pushed them into my throat...his arms crossed, blades at each of my external jugulars, and he said something...i can't remember what...and had this disconnected, Joker type laugh. Once I got away, that is when I finally called 911.

I made the decision to not tell the cops about the tomahawks, because I was worried about how much trouble he would be in if i did. I told the truth about everything else, but the cops wrote it up in their report that I said he threw the gun at me (I did not, and i did not write that in my victim statement). They said I stated there was a history of violence (there was, but I stated there was a history of verbal fighting). He went to jail.

My intention was not to send him to jail, I just needed someone to step in and mediate. Did he deserve jail for 4 days? In hindsight, yes. Then, he had me so messed up that I was apologizing to him, and I even cut myself for the first time in years. Because of how messed up i was, I went to the ADA's office and begged for them to give him Veteran's Court instead of criminal court. And they did. Has it helped? No, not really. Did he stop putting hands on me? yes. Did he stop abusing me? no.

I say all this, not to slam him, but to finally say it out loud. And to acknowledge all of it. And to show that I have actually made progress.

I also want to say that we were happy once, so fucking happy, truly happy. He was not always this way, and I blame the war, but he also has refused help at every turn. PTSD and TBI mess up people so much, and then so many self medicate with alcohol or drugs. I don't know what to do to fix it, but I want it out there, that ex is one of those; and that I am one of those whose a victim.

I will be okay. My kids will be okay. My fur babies will be okay. My ex? He will not be okay; not until he is forced to get help.

Just Breathe

That quote, just breathe, will be my next tattoo....well, after the cover up tattoo to hide the tattoo of my ex's name (yes, I am already referring to him as my ex because for emotional and physical purposes, he is). I have to remind myself several times a day to just breathe....to just get through the next few seconds. Today, I had to do it in the middle of a CrossFit WOD because I was about to breakdown in tears. I don't cry because I lost some wonderful husband to another woman; I cry because, war messed up his brain, and alcoholism messed it up worse, and my kids and I were robbed of so much. Right now, I hate him...for hurting me, for hurting our kids, for making me feel completely worthless at times, for continually lying to me. Bella is saying telling people "daddy broke up with us" and Jax is saying "I'll beat up Daddy if he comes home." (I do NOT bad mouth my ex in front of them, but Jax is angry with him for leaving.) I do not love him, but I *do* love the man that I married and I am sad that he is gone forever and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life and my kids' lives. And dammit, I am so overwhelmed that I try to hold back the tears until the kids go to bed so that they don't worry about me.  

For a while (in hindsight, perhaps since I gained custody of the kids), Jax has shown symptoms of a sensory issue. The symptoms have worsened the older he's gotten, and maybe since I have stayed at home with him and Bella for the past year, I finally really noticed them. He is an insanely picky eater, much worse than even Bella was at his age. He is super sensitive to heat. If he gets wet when he is not supposed to be wet, he HAS to change clothes or there is a meltdown; same with getting sand or dirt on his clothes (like, he sometimes will change clothes 3 times in a day). He is flapping A LOT when excited or even playing soccer. He LOVES to spin and does it a lot. He uses too much force on objects. He sometimes just runs into me for no reason. He constantly makes noises, to the point that today (almost through tears) I told him that I loved him, and I understood that he couldn't control his noises, but that i needed a break; so he ate lunch in his playroom. He hits kids, or pushes them too hard during play time. He does a shiver when I touch him while getting on to him (like if I touch his arm or his face to get him to pay attention). 

Last week he was evaluated by an occupational therapist, a referral that was originally made due to a deficit in fine motor skill development, so I should have some answers this week. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. Adding OT and a sensory issue on top of everything makes me want to run away, but I can't (and deep down I don't want to) because I am his mommy. I am the only consistent, safe parent that he has in this world, and I take that responsibility very seriously. So I will add this onto my plate of everything, and I will do it because I am his mommy. 

It's not only his OT that is overwhelming, it's the thought of possibly having to put him into public school...nope, can't even deal with that. I am thankful that I have such awesome friends both on the internet and in real life, because they are giving me all sorts of leads on non-selling work at home jobs. I pray that I can continue to homeschool because both children excel at it, and Bella cries at the thought of having to deal with bullies again at school. 

Today during the kids' soccer games I had a moment of zen :) Jax's game was done and we were watching Bella's game while he ate supper (sandwich Lunchable). I looked at him and told him to smile for a picture, and this is what I got <3

This kid, who is so happy to just be at the soccer fields eating his sandwich. He is happy so much, no matter what diagnosis he gets, he won't care and he will be happy. He thinks OT is a big playroom. He isn't stressing about it, so I am going to try my best to not stress about it either. 

No Regrets

This quote from SATC is great, and is something that my therapist and I talked about during my first session. No, she didn't use this exact quote (though that would've been awesome), but the meaning was the same. I broke down crying about the years I'd spent on the relationship, the career I'd given up because of military moves and then when we decided that I would stay at home. Her words were truth and comforting...that I had done what anyone would do-I kept my promises and vows; he's the one who (repeatedly) broke those promises. I cannot spend time regretting my choices or emotionally beating myself up. I did what I was supposed to do as a spouse, it was my husband that did not. 

So now I look forward to new beginnings, and better things. I am doing my best to not try to look/plan too far into the future, because that would drive me crazy. Each day will get a little better, and I will be a little closer to whomever I need to be. 

Power

My husband, P, left me. It was a long time coming, and things were more bad than good for years. War changed him....changed his brain, but he was not willing to truly receive help. Even now, he has been off his meds for at least a week (he left them here).

I used to be afraid to speak up about his behavior. He told me not to talk to anyone about our problems, but I am done being concerned with him and his wants. He chose alcohol, and another woman, over me...so I am done.

My first therapy session was a few days after he left. After he told me that he didn't want to be married any more. After he'd started an inappropriate "friendship" (700+ texts between them in days...yeah, more than friends i do believe) with a female coworker. After he refused again to stop binge drinking every day that he didn't work. I cried to her, and told her everything. I told her about the domestic violence arrest and how he blamed me for him being jailed, even though his behavior necessitated me calling law enforcement. I told her about the binge drinking, and the refusal to get help. I told her about my walking on eggshells, and how I covered for him at our gym ("oh, he's working/tired/sleeping"). I told her about him getting angry with me if I talked to friends about our problems. I told her about him calling the money "his money" since we had agreed that I would stay home with the kids while he worked. And then she said the words "You realize that these are all signs of emotional abuse. Whether consciously or not, he has been emotionally abusing for years." And then I cried, while agreeing with her.

Saying those words and accepting it was both terrifying and freeing. I have a professional and educational background in mental health, how could I let this happen to me?! Why did I allow him to come home after the domestic violence incident?! How can I ever trust my judgment regarding men again?! How am I going to raise my children, and keep the house, and keep our pets on my own?!

And then the therapist and I talked more...and she said these words, "You have more power than you think." She's right, I do. I also stopped covering for him, and when mutual friends have asked where he is, I reply truthfully...and then they have all offered help in one way or another. I have plans this weekend with a friend and her son. My family has rallied around the kids and me. I still worry about the future, but I know that my kids and I have enough support to get through this.

I am sharing to let others know, you are not alone and sharing is power.

My Best

I needed to see this today. And I need to tell myself this every single day. Being a mother is a challenge. Homeschooling my children is a challenge. Being a wife and caregiver to my husband, an Army Veteran, is a challenge.....a big challenge, possibly the biggest challenge that I've ever faced. 

P, my husband, is in the beginning process of getting medically retired from the military. Now in addition to his regular medical and mental health appointments, he has appointments with the VA (several hours away). This means that my appointments are on the back burner, because I need him home with the kids when I'm at my appointments. And no, getting a sitter isn't an option because we simply cannot afford a sitter that often. 

I do the best that I can everyday, but some days (like today) I get overwhelmed with guilt that I am not doing enough, or doing the right stuff. I worry that I am not doing enough school with the kids (which is ridiculous, because they learn all the time and they are young). I worry that every parenting mistake that I've ever made, the kids will remember (again, ridiculous). I worry that the stress of being a caregiver will overtake my marriage. I worry about not having enough life to live my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love staying at home. I just feel stretched, like I have nothing more to give...but I can't stop giving. 

I ordered this book today, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations fro Women. I plan to get up each morning and read it before the kids wake up. I have to do something peaceful for me, so that i can continue to give. 

Kids' Bedroom is DONE

The kids have never really had a decorated room. In Colorado, I had 10 days to prepare for them moving in, so they had necessities but not decor. When we moved here, they were originally sleeping in the now playroom, and my brother in law and his wife (best sister in law EVER) were living with us and sleeping in the kids' now bedroom. When they moved out, we moved the kids in there but didn't know how to decorate it. The kids share a bed and a room (their choice), so decor had to please both of them. They picked out bedding, but then we didn't get any further....until now :)

Here are some before pictures:

And here are the after pictures :) To say that I am THRILLED is an understatement!

The green wall is Jax's wall. They each got to pink a wall color for one wall, and he picked green. He also loves Daleks. 

This is Bella's wall-she loves pink, princesses and Doctor Who.

That is the exploding TARDIS print....yes, we have little Whovians :)

They picked out this bedding from Target. They like is because the blue robots remind them of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. 

Better view of the Dalek poster. 

Their before bedtime books :) 

They agreed on this toy organizer for their bedroom. They also agreed that the toy organizer for the playroom will be Cars themed.

They've had this book shelf since we first gained custody of them <3

They now have their own space, that they partially decorated and gave opinions about everything. It makes them happy and makes me so very happy. They'd better like it for years to come because this momma is so not repainting any time soon....so much paint on me! 

Next mission, finish the trim work in the hallway! Mission "make this house into a home" is 100% underway!

Making a House a Home

Life has been busy and I have felt disorganized and out of sorts, so I've decided to do something about it. Lets start with the house....

We've been here about 2 years but it's still not put together at all, and it's been driving me crazy. I feel like we can't have friends over because I am embarrassed about how it looks. Granted, our yard sucks too, but at least we have some patio furniture and a grill so I'm ok with the backyard for now. Well, I decided to do something to start getting the house in order.

Yesterday I decided that the bathrooms, kids' bedroom, and the playroom HAD to get 100% put together, and soon. So, I painted the master bathroom a gleaming shade of white and talked to the kids about colors for their bedroom (more on that in a minute). I know what y'all are thinking "Ooooo, gleaming white, so daring" (while rolling your eyes), and yeah I know that white walls aren't for everyone, but I love simple, minimalist bathrooms. I don't like all the jars full of Qtips, cotton balls, etc everywhere on shelves and counters. I don't like lots of patterns and stuff in small spaces, and I don't like dark walls or dark accents in bathrooms. So in our master bathroom, this is the center of attention

I bought this years ago when we lived in Colorado, and I still love it. Now that the walls are gleaming white, the colors in it stand out even more. I bought these a few months ago (there's also a soap dish) and LOVE them! (well, the kids broke the cup but that's no biggie, shit happens when kids handle breakables)

I bet you're wondering why I don't show a picture of the entire bathroom...well, that's because it's dirty right now, including the painting supplies, and I'm too lazy to clean it at the moment. Any way, I am happy with the master bathroom for now. Still need to get a couple of towel rods, and eventually I'd like to replace the light fixture but that is down the road. BTW, here is a link to the shower curtain that I bought at WalMart-I like it and it was cheap! The half bath just needs a fresh coat of white paint, a trash can, and a new rug-easy peasy!

Next up is the kids' bedroom. A, our 6 yr daughter, and J, our 4.5 yr old son, share a room and a full size bed. They want it that way, so that way it shall stay. They literally refuse to get separate beds or rooms, so it kind of makes things easy. This is their bedding (they jointly chose it):

Additionally, they have the window toppers to match the bedding, Doctor Who posters (framed) and a closet with curtains instead of doors. I'm happy with the decor so far, but the walls badly need painting. So I talked with the kids and we decided that 2 small walls would be eggshell color, and they would each get to pick a color for 1 of the remaining walls. B wants her wall to be pink and J wants his wall to be green, so that's what they will get! We are going to get paint today, and I will paint all the walls today and tonight. After the painting, the room will only need mini-blinds, a toy chest, and a second dresser. We bought the first dresser from Target, and with much cussing and alcohol, I finally got it together, so I made the decision that I will not be doing that again. Instead, I will be trolling Craigslist, yard sales, and thrift stores until I find a second dresser and a toy chest. The kids are so excited to have their room complete, and so am I!

Lastly, the kids' playroom needs to get finished...that is gonna be a chore. Here are a couple of pictures from a few months ago (pay no attention to the headboard, footboard, etc-those are gone now).

It needs a second coat of yellow paint, mini-blinds, curtains (for the window and closet), wall decor (I'm thinking Disney posters), a chalkboard area (they love chalk), a new rug, more organizing baskets, a full size bed (to replace the stained couch) with lots of large couch pillows so that the kids can use it as a couch. For now, I will settle for the paint, curtains, and rug. 

While I am redoing that part of the house, I am also hanging curtains (already purchased) in the TV room and looking for 2 "new to us" couches. After I am done with the bathrooms and kids' rooms, I'll start working on trim work in the hallway, then changing one of the paint colors in the family room and hallway. *sigh* Maybe I can get done with the whole house by Thanksgiving. 

There ya have it, my house redoing plans for the next couple of weeks. I will be sure to post some before and after pictures. 

Maniac Monday

In an effort to get myself to blog more, and get the worries on paper and out of my head, I am starting Maniac Mondays on here. I am going to type out every current worry that I currently have, then I will do my best to NOT worry about them for the rest of the week.

Money-Becoming a SAHM has been a bigger financial burden that we originally thought. I know it won't last forever, and it is truly worth it (for many reasons), but it sucks. I am restarting the Dave Ramsey plan and am determined to get us on track. And no, I don't do the couponing thing because honestly, we don't eat many foods that are coupon-able (yes, I made up that word). I *do* shop at a certain grocery store, and utilize the rewards card and all their sales. I could go on and on about money, but if I do then there won't be time for any other worries.

Parenting-I think that every decent parent worries that they are not a good parent. Do they watch too much TV? Am I giving them enough freedom? Do they have too much freedom? Am I too easy on them? Am I too hard on them? Seriously, these are only some of the questions that I ask myself everyday.

Marriage-Relationships are hard, including marriage. I don't care what anyone says, marriage is not easy. Balancing parenting AND marriage is even more difficult and complicated. Worth it? yes. Hard at times? Yes.

Pets-Yes, I worry about being a good parent to our pets. I worry about affording the best food, the best toys, and the best vet care for them. I worry about providing the best life for them, and making sure that they are happy and safe.

Body issues-Every. Single Day. CrossFit is helping but still, I really need to throw away our scale. Speaking of weight, I PR'd my power hang clean last week! I'm now up to 100 lbs :)

Ok, that's it for today. Now I have to get on with my day, including CrossFit.

I Can Do This

I have been feeling very out of sorts since having the kids home full time and my husband home most of the day over the past couple of weeks. There hasn't really been any routine, so homeschooling, exercise, and eating healthy has gone out the window. Consequently, I feel gross, have had more body pain, and have been in a funk. The kids have also watching more TV than I normally allow, and that is something that I really do  not like.

So over the past few days I've started making plans. I have started the process of enrolling Bella into an online, public school. I will still be homeschooling her, but now I will have a curriculum and teachers to assist me. Starting Monday and until the school year starts, I will be using an all in one home school curriculum from this site. I will be using the pre-school & kindergarten curriculum with her, and the preschool curriculum with Jax since he will be going into public, free, pre-k in the fall. I really feel that I can get Bella caught up on reading and other kindergarten goals by working one on one with her. My goal is for both of them to be in regular, public/private school by the time each of them is in the second grade.

This morning I also meal planned for the next 10 days, and made a grocery list of everything that I need to buy for the meals. Knowing that I know what to make for the next 10 days is actually a big relief for me, and it means no more fast food or ordering in for supper, which will help our budget and help our health. I am making a workout plan which includes daily yoga through Daily Burn on Hulu-stoked that I found Daily Burn! Oh, and I ordered a Beach Body plan....will write more about that when I actually get it.

Seriously, I feel so much better after making some sort of plan and basic daily schedule. I feel like I have some sort of control over my life again, which is nice. Now if I could just get my legs healed, I could work out exactly how I want and when I want.

So yeah, I heart CrossFit

That's me, in the green shirt, conquering my fear of heights.

I thought that I might as well go ahead and get this post out of the way because much of my time these days, and in the future, will revolve around CrossFit. What is CrossFit you might ask? Basically, it is a fitness program that focuses on functional movements and improving overall functional fitness. Everyday our workout changes (there are even WODs, workout of the day, posted on the main CrossFit page). We do things like rope climb, run, row, lift weights, flip tires, and generally have fun.

What brought me to CrossFit? Well, I got tired of exercising on my own and not getting the results that I wanted. I was lifting, but wasn't increasing enough. I was skinny, a size 4, but I was not strong. So I looked up CrossFit online and starting doing WODs on my own, and without a coach to watch me, I ended up with a torn meniscus. Fast forward about 6 months, we had moved to Florida and I found a CrossFit box that was affordable, had a kids' area, and was close to our home. We visited once and LOVED it. The head coach is former military, there are folks of all ages and fitness levels, and there are plenty of women members. Oh, and the coaching is GREAT-small classes at least 1 coach (usually 2) in each class, and lots of personal attention.

I have been at it for a year now, off and on (I've had a surgery & 2 non-CrossFit injuries that required time off), and I still love it. I have NEVER stuck with a fitness program this long. I have increased all of my lifts, my rowing has improved (I cannot run right now), I can climb a freaking rope(!) and my self esteem has improved. I've made friends who are like family to me. I love it so much, that I plan to become a certified CrossFit coach. We recently added yoga to our box so now I'll be doing that 3 times a week, too.

So now that I have that CrossFit love fest out of the way, what do you do to stay healthy/exercise?