A New Outlook

Today I realized how much P and I learned while we were separated, and how our separation might have actually been what we needed. We are communicating better with each other, which was a MAJOR issue with us before, and we are both making efforts to show gratitude towards each other. Really, we are both making an effort in our relationship which is something that we have not done in a long time. Marriage really is work, not in the bad sense, but work nonetheless; and I know that some people feel that if marriage is work then perhaps you're married to the wrong person but I completely disagree, especially in Military marriages involving PTSD.

I am still grieving the loss of the man I married, and he is grieving the loss of the man who used to be, but we are finding out that it's not all bad. With him getting medically retired and me becoming his caregiver, we will have more time with each other, and with the kids. We will also have time to finally pursue hobbies-cars for him, photography for me. He will be able to grow a beard and stop getting up stupid early, which means that he will be able to help me with the kids and the pets every morning. I will be able to volunteer at the kids' school and go on field trips with them, and P will no miss out on the kids' school activities or sports due to work. We will have time to exercise and get healthy again. If we can find an affordable, reliable house/pet sitter, we might even finally be able to travel to Costa Rica to visit family.

How did I come to decision to change my attitude and be more positive? Exercise...no really, I mean it. I have started working out again (I have 20 damn pounds to lose) and it is clearing my head. I've been doing yoga, pilates, and taking walks outside while listening to the Nerdist podcast (sometimes I laugh out loud and get some looks but whatever), and it all just clicked. That dark cloud parted and I was able to see all the good possibilities in the future. Now, we just need to make them happen.

One Last Chance

This quote pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment. If you are friends with me on FB, Twitter or IG, you know that my husband and I are giving our marriage one last chance. We still love each other, but we obviously have issues that we each need to work through both separately, and together. There are many reasons that I decided to take him back and try again.

P is being medically retired from the Army and has a preliminary rating of 100% disabled. He has brain damage, including lesions, from several explosions; 2 of them knocked him unconscious for at least 10 minutes, and he had concussion symptoms with all of the explosions. Doctors have stated that he will not be able to work in the civilian world due to his brain damage as well as his PTSD. Currently, he is not able to do his job per doctor's orders. He also has physical damage, such as arthritis in his hips and knees, as well as spinal injuries; these make him unable to run, walk long distances, stand for long periods of times, or hike while carrying weight. He is only 31 years old. They already talked to him about eventually needing a caregiver to help him with daily life...so that will be me. 

I didn't take him back because I feel sorry for him, not at all. I agreed to one last chance because he finally admitted that he is "fucked up" and needs help, and he is getting help. We sat down together and came up with a contract of sorts-things that he and I agree to in our marriage, including marriage counseling and some other things (literally, an entire page of items). 

While his disabilities so not excuse much of his behavior, it does explain some of it. Many of the times that I thought he was gas lighting me, he most likely truly did not remember things that were said/done. His horrible mood swings and hair trigger temper? Completely caused by PTSD and brain damage. Reading one of the reports from one of the doctors really enlightened me, and I learned more about what happened during his deployments. It really infuriates me that the Army knew about his concussions, and did nothing at all upon his return from deployment. 

I never stopped loving him, even through all the hurt that he caused me. He came home from the desert a different man; but somewhere in my heart I remembered the man that I met on Tybee Island in 2006. He will never be that man again, and I know that; but maybe we can get back to the love that we had for each other. 

So there it is, the reasons that we are trying again. 

Embracing Video Games (How a Nerdist Podcast is Making Me a Better Mom)

My kids are 5 and 7 yrs old. They have their own Kindle Fires, and they love video games. I do not love video games. 

Don't get me wrong, I played them back in the '80s & '90s; I even had a ColecoVision, and later a Nintendo 64. I never saved the princesses in Mario Bros or Legends of Zelda, but I really was okay with that. I played the hell out of some Galaga, Donkey Kong, and PacMan at the mall arcade; but somewhere along the way I grew out of video games and that was okay with me. As an adult I married a gamer and grew to resent games, because it seemed that gaming (especially WoW, COD, and other multiplayer games) took so much time away from me, and then our kids. 

So back to my kids, they have a few games that they absolutely love-Minecraft, Dragons: Rise of Berk, Lego Star Wars, and any form of Angry Birds. With the exception of the original Angry Birds I don't understand any of those games, and I haven't particularly wanted to understand. They try to show them to me, and explain but I am guilty of shrugging them off...but no more! 

I am late to the whole podcast thing, but I recently (like last week) downloaded an app that makes it SUPER easy for me to listen to them. Now I basically listen to them all day while I work around the house, look for jobs, and work on my website. One of my obvious favorites is The Nerdist podcast hosted by Chris Hardwick. I am a nerd at heart (that's a whole other blog post, but let's just say that I am planning a Doctor Who sleeve and Star Wars sleeve or leg piece as future tattoos), and first started watching him way back when he hosted Singled Out, and then fell in nerd love with him watching Talking Dead (yes, I know he is happily with a gorgeous, nice woman...but I can still gush from afar). Listening to The Nerdist podcast is like having someone inside my brain, because  the podcasts are fast-paced and at times seem to bounce around subjects, which is how my brain works. 

Today's podcast was with Brad Meltzer, and I confess that I didn't know exactly who he was before I listened. I'd heard his name, but I'd never read one of his books (THAT will be remedied soon). There is so much to like about him, but it's a story from his childhood that really got to me today. He and Chris were talking about growing up nerdy in different parts of the country-Chris in Memphis and Brad in Brooklyn-and the differences in acceptance levels. In a small school in Memphis, Chris dealt with feeling outcast, in Brooklyn Brad felt more accepted...but then he told a story about his dad. Brad talked about how his dad didn't get his love of comic books, and he knew that his dad would rather he bought baseball cards. Instead of shrugging off his kid's passion for something that he himself did't understand, he fed. He talked about how his father would bring home comic books for him and how great it was that his dad "fed that little habit". Chris talked about how his parents fostered his love of comedy and video games, and how awesome it is for parents to be so attune to their kids that they will basically say "hey, i don't understand this thing that you love, but I'll support it and foster your interest in it" (my words....not nearly as good as listening to the story). All of a sudden it clicked in my brain, that I should be dong that instead of zoning out when my kids are excitedly telling me about something in their video game worlds. I might have shed a few tears upon hearing those stories and then deciding that I need to be more like their parents.

We do share some of the same interests, like Doctor Who (the 3 of us are doing DW themed Halloween costumes this year!), Star Wars, The Walking Dead, and even Supernatural; but they really LOVE video games. So from now on I am going to support their interests, even though I truly do not understand them. The last thing I want as a parent is for my kids to feel like I don't care about them or their interests. I want them to always want to tell me things, even the little things. If they are feeling like outcasts at school, I want them to never feel that way at home. Now if I could only get them to love podcasts.  

Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

I Am Finding Myself

"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

Change is scary as hell. While I have always welcomed changes in the past, those changes were typically planned. I planned to move from my hometown to a bigger town, on my own. I planned to move to Savannah after meeting my almost ex. And every military PCS, it was planned. I typically had jobs lined up, and a place to stay. Divorce? That change was not planned. Needed, yes. Planned, no. After reading Eat Pray Love, I have decided to use this major life change as a chance to transform myself, and my life. 

The above quote from Eat Pray Love spoke to me (one of many quotes that spoke to me). I have become lazy in my prayer life; some nights, saying the same prayer night after night. Yes, God knows what I need but how in the world can I expect him to listen when I don't articulate what I want? And further, I have to make changes to get what I need and want. I cannot just sit back and wait for the universe to drop things in my lap. 

It's uncomfortable to transform, and envision a completely different future. Perhaps that's why I have been procrastinating since I made the decision to divorce. Now I am forcing myself to envision the future that I want, and deserve, and for once in my life it doesn't involve a man. I am not saying that I don't want love, or to possibly marry again, but I know that having a great future and fulfilled life isn't dependent on having a husband. 

What am I doing to transform my life? Most importantly, I am first focusing on my spirituality. I am going to learn meditation (yes, I need to learn because my mind races all. the. time), and practice it daily. Along with meditation, I will be practicing yoga again; and not the weight loss, P90x type yoga, but the mind quieting, focused yoga that will help get back in tune with myself and my spirit.

 There is of course so much more that I need to do to transform my life, including developing a viable income, but I know that I cannot do that until my spirit is mine again. So let the transforming begin. 

The Launch of My New Life

I've been a SAHM for the past 16 months, and it has been wonderful. I have been homeschooling, bonding with my kids, taking care of the house, caring for my furbabies, and I have loved it. But life changes, and so must I, and it is time for me to work and support my family. 

I have been taking time to think and process, and figure out how I am going to support my kids, keep our house, and keep our pets. The optimal solution was to work at home, but finding reliable at home jobs that aren't physically demanding (recovering from surgery), and don't involve phone calls (kind of difficult with 5 large dogs) or selling items (I am just not good at that, at all). So instead of working for others, I decided to launch Becca's Bargains. 

What is Becca's Bargains you ask? It is quite simply, a shopping/bargains site. There is no catch for you, the shoppers-it's free, no registration needed, and you can even save money. Even if you do not use any of the coupons or deals, if you just enter the stores through Becca's Bargains, and order anything, then I make a small commission from those stores. You already shop at stores like Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Old Navy, and if you enter them through my site, then you help support a single mom and her kids. 

Some of you might be wondering why I don't just go out and get a conventional full time job; well the answer to that is, I need a job that is flexible. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder , as well as gross & fine motor skills delays, and is in occupational therapy for at least the next year. I am recovering from leg surgery and will be in physical therapy twice per week for several months. My children's father is not active in their lives, so I am the one who needs to be available to stay at home with them when they're sick; take them to sports practices and games; and help them adjust to life with one parent. In short, I'm doing this whole parenting thing on my own now, so I need the flexibility to take care of my kids and pets as needed, without worrying that an employer will fire me, write me up, etc. 

So please, share Becca's Bargains everywhere and with everyone. Enter stores through there, do your shopping, and help me support my family. I am not trying to become some millionaire, I just want to put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and be a good parent.