Embracing Video Games (How a Nerdist Podcast is Making Me a Better Mom)

My kids are 5 and 7 yrs old. They have their own Kindle Fires, and they love video games. I do not love video games. 

Don't get me wrong, I played them back in the '80s & '90s; I even had a ColecoVision, and later a Nintendo 64. I never saved the princesses in Mario Bros or Legends of Zelda, but I really was okay with that. I played the hell out of some Galaga, Donkey Kong, and PacMan at the mall arcade; but somewhere along the way I grew out of video games and that was okay with me. As an adult I married a gamer and grew to resent games, because it seemed that gaming (especially WoW, COD, and other multiplayer games) took so much time away from me, and then our kids. 

So back to my kids, they have a few games that they absolutely love-Minecraft, Dragons: Rise of Berk, Lego Star Wars, and any form of Angry Birds. With the exception of the original Angry Birds I don't understand any of those games, and I haven't particularly wanted to understand. They try to show them to me, and explain but I am guilty of shrugging them off...but no more! 

I am late to the whole podcast thing, but I recently (like last week) downloaded an app that makes it SUPER easy for me to listen to them. Now I basically listen to them all day while I work around the house, look for jobs, and work on my website. One of my obvious favorites is The Nerdist podcast hosted by Chris Hardwick. I am a nerd at heart (that's a whole other blog post, but let's just say that I am planning a Doctor Who sleeve and Star Wars sleeve or leg piece as future tattoos), and first started watching him way back when he hosted Singled Out, and then fell in nerd love with him watching Talking Dead (yes, I know he is happily with a gorgeous, nice woman...but I can still gush from afar). Listening to The Nerdist podcast is like having someone inside my brain, because  the podcasts are fast-paced and at times seem to bounce around subjects, which is how my brain works. 

Today's podcast was with Brad Meltzer, and I confess that I didn't know exactly who he was before I listened. I'd heard his name, but I'd never read one of his books (THAT will be remedied soon). There is so much to like about him, but it's a story from his childhood that really got to me today. He and Chris were talking about growing up nerdy in different parts of the country-Chris in Memphis and Brad in Brooklyn-and the differences in acceptance levels. In a small school in Memphis, Chris dealt with feeling outcast, in Brooklyn Brad felt more accepted...but then he told a story about his dad. Brad talked about how his dad didn't get his love of comic books, and he knew that his dad would rather he bought baseball cards. Instead of shrugging off his kid's passion for something that he himself did't understand, he fed. He talked about how his father would bring home comic books for him and how great it was that his dad "fed that little habit". Chris talked about how his parents fostered his love of comedy and video games, and how awesome it is for parents to be so attune to their kids that they will basically say "hey, i don't understand this thing that you love, but I'll support it and foster your interest in it" (my words....not nearly as good as listening to the story). All of a sudden it clicked in my brain, that I should be dong that instead of zoning out when my kids are excitedly telling me about something in their video game worlds. I might have shed a few tears upon hearing those stories and then deciding that I need to be more like their parents.

We do share some of the same interests, like Doctor Who (the 3 of us are doing DW themed Halloween costumes this year!), Star Wars, The Walking Dead, and even Supernatural; but they really LOVE video games. So from now on I am going to support their interests, even though I truly do not understand them. The last thing I want as a parent is for my kids to feel like I don't care about them or their interests. I want them to always want to tell me things, even the little things. If they are feeling like outcasts at school, I want them to never feel that way at home. Now if I could only get them to love podcasts.  

Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

I Am Finding Myself

"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

Change is scary as hell. While I have always welcomed changes in the past, those changes were typically planned. I planned to move from my hometown to a bigger town, on my own. I planned to move to Savannah after meeting my almost ex. And every military PCS, it was planned. I typically had jobs lined up, and a place to stay. Divorce? That change was not planned. Needed, yes. Planned, no. After reading Eat Pray Love, I have decided to use this major life change as a chance to transform myself, and my life. 

The above quote from Eat Pray Love spoke to me (one of many quotes that spoke to me). I have become lazy in my prayer life; some nights, saying the same prayer night after night. Yes, God knows what I need but how in the world can I expect him to listen when I don't articulate what I want? And further, I have to make changes to get what I need and want. I cannot just sit back and wait for the universe to drop things in my lap. 

It's uncomfortable to transform, and envision a completely different future. Perhaps that's why I have been procrastinating since I made the decision to divorce. Now I am forcing myself to envision the future that I want, and deserve, and for once in my life it doesn't involve a man. I am not saying that I don't want love, or to possibly marry again, but I know that having a great future and fulfilled life isn't dependent on having a husband. 

What am I doing to transform my life? Most importantly, I am first focusing on my spirituality. I am going to learn meditation (yes, I need to learn because my mind races all. the. time), and practice it daily. Along with meditation, I will be practicing yoga again; and not the weight loss, P90x type yoga, but the mind quieting, focused yoga that will help get back in tune with myself and my spirit.

 There is of course so much more that I need to do to transform my life, including developing a viable income, but I know that I cannot do that until my spirit is mine again. So let the transforming begin. 

The Launch of My New Life

I've been a SAHM for the past 16 months, and it has been wonderful. I have been homeschooling, bonding with my kids, taking care of the house, caring for my furbabies, and I have loved it. But life changes, and so must I, and it is time for me to work and support my family. 

I have been taking time to think and process, and figure out how I am going to support my kids, keep our house, and keep our pets. The optimal solution was to work at home, but finding reliable at home jobs that aren't physically demanding (recovering from surgery), and don't involve phone calls (kind of difficult with 5 large dogs) or selling items (I am just not good at that, at all). So instead of working for others, I decided to launch Becca's Bargains. 

What is Becca's Bargains you ask? It is quite simply, a shopping/bargains site. There is no catch for you, the shoppers-it's free, no registration needed, and you can even save money. Even if you do not use any of the coupons or deals, if you just enter the stores through Becca's Bargains, and order anything, then I make a small commission from those stores. You already shop at stores like Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Old Navy, and if you enter them through my site, then you help support a single mom and her kids. 

Some of you might be wondering why I don't just go out and get a conventional full time job; well the answer to that is, I need a job that is flexible. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder , as well as gross & fine motor skills delays, and is in occupational therapy for at least the next year. I am recovering from leg surgery and will be in physical therapy twice per week for several months. My children's father is not active in their lives, so I am the one who needs to be available to stay at home with them when they're sick; take them to sports practices and games; and help them adjust to life with one parent. In short, I'm doing this whole parenting thing on my own now, so I need the flexibility to take care of my kids and pets as needed, without worrying that an employer will fire me, write me up, etc. 

So please, share Becca's Bargains everywhere and with everyone. Enter stores through there, do your shopping, and help me support my family. I am not trying to become some millionaire, I just want to put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and be a good parent. 

"Why Does He Do That?"

That meme pretty much sums it up...seriously. 

So the title of this post is the name of a book that I started reading today. It was recommended to me by my therapist as well as several people on an online support group for people dealing with narcissists in their lives. I've already read through the first 2 parts of the book and it's truly amazing how accurately it describes my experience. I am eager to read through the whole book and develop more protective and coping mechanisms for myself. 

It's become quite apparent to me in this past week that ex is a narcissist, which is both freeing and scary. It's freeing because I am 100% certain that nothing I do or did caused him to hate me, and nothing I do could ever change him. It's scary because wow, I was so fooled and (in my therapist's words) conditioned to ex's behavior; I literally will not know how to react when I finally find someone who is emotionally healthy and treats me well. I worry that I am damaged for life, but in the words of Scarlett, I can't think about that right now or I'll go crazy.

Coping with stress without being able to workout is extremely difficult for me. For the past several years I have depended on running, or CrossFit, or yoga to work out my stress; but with my leg and shoulder I can't do that right now. I have also struggled with the back slide that I have taken as far as how my body looks. Today I made the decision, during therapy, to not worry about that; my only focus right now is getting through my upcoming surgery (facsiotomy for compartment syndrome) and recovery. I have to keep myself physically and emotionally healthy for my kids, and to do that I have to focus on one thing at a time. So, if I gain weight or size while doing that, so be it. I have plenty of time to get back to running and CrossFit; but I can't do that at the expense of my leg, or shoulder, or mental health. 

My Next Husband...

I used to joke about that, saying "my next husband will/won't" but now I guess it's no longer a joke. So tonight I've decided to make that list, for real. 

My next husband will:

love me, and respect me

love animals, and love my fur babies as much as I do

love my kids as much as he would his own

go to church with us, at least a few times per year

enjoy the beach and outdoors in general

be financially responsible

support my goals

help with yard work

take me on dates that don't involve bars

choose me and defend me against his family

love college football (ok, kidding but it's definitely a plus)

be taller than I am (call me petty, but it's a preference)

be committed to living a healthy lifestyle (not a fanatical one; but regularly exercising, and eating healthy, at home, most of the time)

be pro-choice (#sorrynotsorry)

give me plenty of TLC when I am sick or injured (no putting me in the bedroom, while he drinks and ignores me)

support me being a SAHM as long as finances allow it

My next husband will not:

be abusive to my fur babies, my kids, or me

have any active addiction issues

be an avid gamer 

smoke (occasional cigars are ok)

be racist, sexist, homophobic

be a sport hunter

I think that's it for now. I really don't think this is too much to ask for, at all.