Hashtag Real Life, Part Deux

I do not want to reconcile with he-who-must-not-be-named, but knowing that he has already moved on and is telling women that he is not married really irritates me.

I feel much resentment towards him, but I am trying my best to let it go.

As much as I know that I need a full time job, my focus right now is picking up the pieces, and doing what I can for my kids to make this time easier on them. 

Tomorrow I turn in my application for TANF and food stamps....help that I never thought I would need, but for which I am praying that I am approved. 

I wonder every night if I missed my chance at a happily married life (with someone else). 

Now that I am starting to process everything that has happened over the past few years, I realize how abusive he was and I have multiple anxiety attacks daily. 

My kids saved me. If not for them, I might not ever have gotten the guts to get out of my abusive marriage. 

I will never get involved with a narcissist again. I know the red flags, I will NOT let it happen again. 

I have a running list of "want" and "will not tolerate" for anyone I date in the future. I have promised myself to not give any passes on those. 

If my dogs don't like a guy, I will not date him. 

No guy will meet my kids until we've dated at least 4 months. 

Parenting is hard. Being a 100% single parent is hard. Divorcing your abusive partner while parenting your kids 100% of the time, trying to keep the household afloat, and trying to pick up the emotional pieces...well, I am being stretched to my limit. 

Domestic abuse is alienating, and humiliating. 

As my advocate reminded me, my hardships are temporary. I am in a transition time that is so fracking hard right now, but it is temporary. I am building a new, healthy life for my kids, my furkids (and fish), and myself...THAT will be lasting. This hard shit is temporary.

Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

Optimism

Today was a turning point for me, and I don't know why; but today I have felt more optimistic and hopeful about life, marriage, parenting, than I have in so very long. Nothing special happened; in fact, my husband is at work today (and no, his absence wasn't the reason). My only answer to this is prayer. 

I have been praying for so long, that my marriage would get better, and that life would get better. Not to say that I haven't taken some action, but I believe that regular praying and finding a church home has given me the confidence to make changes. I literally chose one night, during a prayer, to "let go and let God." I stopped praying for specifics and just basically said "you know my needs. please, i beg you to fix this, show me a way to fix it." I didn't feel better overnight, but over a few weeks time I have felt the change. 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes now, and I get that...i really do. I would've rolled my eyes at me a few months ago. But whatever, it's the only reason that I have for my change. I am facing so much shit right now-bankruptcy, marriage stuff (husband's PTSD, TBI, and combat related health issues), parenting challenges, and my own personal shit-yet somehow, I am feeling so much better about everything. Our kids are loved and healthy. Our fur babies are loved and healthy. We are not in danger of losing our house, or our vehicles, or our lives. We've decided to once more try to get pregnant (that's a whole other challenge). I am facing so many challenges in 2015, but right now I am at peace. And that my friends, says a lot.