Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends. 

Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

Just Breathe

That quote, just breathe, will be my next tattoo....well, after the cover up tattoo to hide the tattoo of my ex's name (yes, I am already referring to him as my ex because for emotional and physical purposes, he is). I have to remind myself several times a day to just breathe....to just get through the next few seconds. Today, I had to do it in the middle of a CrossFit WOD because I was about to breakdown in tears. I don't cry because I lost some wonderful husband to another woman; I cry because, war messed up his brain, and alcoholism messed it up worse, and my kids and I were robbed of so much. Right now, I hate him...for hurting me, for hurting our kids, for making me feel completely worthless at times, for continually lying to me. Bella is saying telling people "daddy broke up with us" and Jax is saying "I'll beat up Daddy if he comes home." (I do NOT bad mouth my ex in front of them, but Jax is angry with him for leaving.) I do not love him, but I *do* love the man that I married and I am sad that he is gone forever and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life and my kids' lives. And dammit, I am so overwhelmed that I try to hold back the tears until the kids go to bed so that they don't worry about me.  

For a while (in hindsight, perhaps since I gained custody of the kids), Jax has shown symptoms of a sensory issue. The symptoms have worsened the older he's gotten, and maybe since I have stayed at home with him and Bella for the past year, I finally really noticed them. He is an insanely picky eater, much worse than even Bella was at his age. He is super sensitive to heat. If he gets wet when he is not supposed to be wet, he HAS to change clothes or there is a meltdown; same with getting sand or dirt on his clothes (like, he sometimes will change clothes 3 times in a day). He is flapping A LOT when excited or even playing soccer. He LOVES to spin and does it a lot. He uses too much force on objects. He sometimes just runs into me for no reason. He constantly makes noises, to the point that today (almost through tears) I told him that I loved him, and I understood that he couldn't control his noises, but that i needed a break; so he ate lunch in his playroom. He hits kids, or pushes them too hard during play time. He does a shiver when I touch him while getting on to him (like if I touch his arm or his face to get him to pay attention). 

Last week he was evaluated by an occupational therapist, a referral that was originally made due to a deficit in fine motor skill development, so I should have some answers this week. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. Adding OT and a sensory issue on top of everything makes me want to run away, but I can't (and deep down I don't want to) because I am his mommy. I am the only consistent, safe parent that he has in this world, and I take that responsibility very seriously. So I will add this onto my plate of everything, and I will do it because I am his mommy. 

It's not only his OT that is overwhelming, it's the thought of possibly having to put him into public school...nope, can't even deal with that. I am thankful that I have such awesome friends both on the internet and in real life, because they are giving me all sorts of leads on non-selling work at home jobs. I pray that I can continue to homeschool because both children excel at it, and Bella cries at the thought of having to deal with bullies again at school. 

Today during the kids' soccer games I had a moment of zen :) Jax's game was done and we were watching Bella's game while he ate supper (sandwich Lunchable). I looked at him and told him to smile for a picture, and this is what I got <3

This kid, who is so happy to just be at the soccer fields eating his sandwich. He is happy so much, no matter what diagnosis he gets, he won't care and he will be happy. He thinks OT is a big playroom. He isn't stressing about it, so I am going to try my best to not stress about it either. 

My Best

I needed to see this today. And I need to tell myself this every single day. Being a mother is a challenge. Homeschooling my children is a challenge. Being a wife and caregiver to my husband, an Army Veteran, is a challenge.....a big challenge, possibly the biggest challenge that I've ever faced. 

P, my husband, is in the beginning process of getting medically retired from the military. Now in addition to his regular medical and mental health appointments, he has appointments with the VA (several hours away). This means that my appointments are on the back burner, because I need him home with the kids when I'm at my appointments. And no, getting a sitter isn't an option because we simply cannot afford a sitter that often. 

I do the best that I can everyday, but some days (like today) I get overwhelmed with guilt that I am not doing enough, or doing the right stuff. I worry that I am not doing enough school with the kids (which is ridiculous, because they learn all the time and they are young). I worry that every parenting mistake that I've ever made, the kids will remember (again, ridiculous). I worry that the stress of being a caregiver will overtake my marriage. I worry about not having enough life to live my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love staying at home. I just feel stretched, like I have nothing more to give...but I can't stop giving. 

I ordered this book today, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations fro Women. I plan to get up each morning and read it before the kids wake up. I have to do something peaceful for me, so that i can continue to give. 

Always learning

Homeschooling is such a journey. I really thought that I would just come up with, or find, a curriculum/method, and stick with it; but that is totally not what's happening. I've come to realize that we are more of an unschooling family. Now before anyone starts into me about that, MY KIDS ARE LEARNING. They learn every day, in literally most every situation. But I digress, here is a summary of our journey so far, and what led me to my decision to register with Florida Unschoolers (an umbrella school).

We started off the year with Connections Academy/FLVS, which is great for some families but it did not work for us. The curriculum was just too much for Bella, and I was fighting her to do school. Also, it took us HOURS to do school everyday and that is one thing that I was wanting to avoid when we started homeschooling. I hated having her basically chained to a computer at the kitchen table for 4-6 hours a day, especially since we were always behind on assignments and lessons. Again, this is not anything against CA, it just didn't work for us.

After withdrawing from CA, I set out to piece together my own curriculum. A wonderful friend sent me a flash drive FULL of worksheets, lessons, lesson planning, songs, games, etc that I love and use almost daily; but I still felt like I was missing some stuff, so I signed up for ABCMouse so that both kids could get a full curriculum. Best decision ever! Jax and Bella LOVE ABCMouse, and there is so much to do on the site. Jax has already completed Levels 1 & 2, and Bella has completed Level 5 and is halfway done with Level 6. When she finishes Level 6, she will graduate from Kindergarten :) I also bought a Rosetts Stone reading program for homeschoolers, and registered both kids on Teach Your Monster to Read. Once Bella graduates, she will complete Rosetta Stone before we move on to first grade material....which brings me to our next destination on this journey, unschooling.

This school year is coming to a close in a few months, and I began to realize that I really do not have anything in the form of a portfolio (only Bella needs one; Jax isn't registered in the school system yet). Yes, Bella completes worksheets, writing, coloring, etc, but I don't have them well organized. Also, I just didn't like the idea of an evaluator deciding if Bella was making enough progress or not. One of the reasons I took her out of PS and FLVS was because I wanted to be the one responsible for her learning, and deciding if she was learning enough. I began to research and found Florida Unschoolers, and quickly decided to register with them. Yes, there are some disadvantages to being registered with an umbrella school here, but honestly I am not worried about those right now since my kids are so young. The huge advantage for me is that I don't have to keep a portfolio or have Bella evaluated; all I have to do is submit attendance to the school on a quarterly basis. Oh, and I can structure my school year however I want (which for the record, is year round).

Identifying myself with unschooling fits, and honestly feels right for us. Our days are CRAZY due to my& my husband's medical appointments, soccer (kids), CrossFit (and the work that I do there), and trips to visit my family. Some days, we do absolutely no formal school but I realized that it's okay. When we spent most of the day running around the AFB hospital for appointments, our kids still learned and they enjoyed it. They learn when they play. They learn when they are with me in the kitchen as I cook. They learn when we play board games. They even learn when they watch TV and play video games. School doesn't have to be at a desk, with a pencil, paper, and book. Once I let go of drilling school into their heads, I found out that they ASK to learn. Bella now WANTS to learn to read, when earlier in the school year she hated it and never wanted to work on reading.  I cannot tally how great that is!

Do I plan to not do any formal teaching? No, I absolutely will do some formal teaching, but it will not be the bulk of what we do. I plan to transition Bella to another learning website for first grade work. The site has a full curriculum, as well as record keeping, lesson planning, and access to grade above and grade below lessons. Some days we will use that site, and some days we will learn through games, trips to the beach, field trips, or just reading books together. That is what I love about all of this-my kids and I choose together what we do on any given day, and I don't feel rushed or pressured since deciding to do school year round. We can enjoy each other, learn, have fun, and experience life together as a family.

Homeschooling is a Journey

It occurred to me that although I many times ask, via FB and Twitter, what others do for homeschooling, I never really say what we are doing now. So, I am sharing today. Let me start off my saying that I am making the decision to homeschool year round, and to homeschool on most days of the week. Yes, there are some traditional school days that we don't homeschool, but we also don't take off the holidays, teacher planning days, etc that public schools take. I am staying Common Core aligned (a teacher friend sent me some great CC aligned assessments), so that if they return to public school I know that they will at least be on grade level.

Here's a typical day of homeschooling for us (our kids are preschool/pre-k, and K):

1. Educational TV such as Sesame Street, Magic School Bus, Wild Kratt's, etc-I know that some people are 100% TV watching, but we are not. Both of our kids learn very well through TV shows, and they enjoy them. The TV is usually on while I am making breakfast and during breakfast; sometimes even during handwriting/coloring practice. I especially enjoy how they ask questions during and after the tv shows, because it gives me ideas on more subjects for them to study.

2. Online work such as Teach Your Monster to Read, and ABCMouse-I love both of these websites and so do the kids. Monster is focused on reading, ABCMouse is a complete CC aligned curriculum for K, and it has curriculum from preschool-preK as well for our son (he has already completed Level 1 preschool). With both sites, the kids learn from games, worksheets, songs, etc. ABCMouse also has a separate "fun" area, as well as an area for parents to print off worksheets, and other learning areas for the kids to explore. Seriously, this site is awesome and worth the money.

I also use random websites for Science, such as Brain Pop, jr (the free stuff), National Geographic, and Science4Us (the free stuff).

3. Online apps-Bella, our 6 yr old uses Lexia/Rosetta Stone for homeschoolers to teach reading. As you can tell, I place great importance on learning to read. The websites are fun and great, but Lexia teaches some more difficult areas in reading and understanding. Bella has been diagnosed with expressive receptive speech delay in the past, so we have come to understand that she requires many different ways of learning, especially reading. The combo of Monster, ABC, and Lexia seems to be working.

We also use Read to Me, a Kindle app, to help both of them with reading/word recognition. This is a FREE app that delivers a new book to my Kindle everyday. The best part is that the app reads the book to you, while showing the words and highlighting them as they are read. The kids LOVE this and "read" their new book every night before I tuck them in bed.

4. Worksheets-Some of these I have gotten from friends, websites (teacherspayteachers), but some of the handwriting practice I just make up myself.

5. Flashcards and board games-Boggle, jr is AWESOME for teaching letters and short words. Chutes and Ladders is great for teaching numbers. And really any board game teaches patience, manners, taking turns, and counting. We are also getting Clue, Jr to work with reasoning, solving problems, and using clues.

6. Everyday life-You can really learn all day long, in every setting. They learn the importance of exercise through going to CrossFit with us. We talk about money and budgeting while shopping, especially when they want something and we talk about making choices between wants and needs. At the grocery store, we talk about healthy food choices and why it's important to eat healthy food.

So there you have it, that's our homeschooling in a nut shell. We don't do all of those every single day, but we do at least 4 of them a day. Oh, and of course the kids get outside play everyday (weather permitting); i read them a book at night (after Read to Me); and I am working to find some cheap, easy art projects for them to do.

Optimism

Today was a turning point for me, and I don't know why; but today I have felt more optimistic and hopeful about life, marriage, parenting, than I have in so very long. Nothing special happened; in fact, my husband is at work today (and no, his absence wasn't the reason). My only answer to this is prayer. 

I have been praying for so long, that my marriage would get better, and that life would get better. Not to say that I haven't taken some action, but I believe that regular praying and finding a church home has given me the confidence to make changes. I literally chose one night, during a prayer, to "let go and let God." I stopped praying for specifics and just basically said "you know my needs. please, i beg you to fix this, show me a way to fix it." I didn't feel better overnight, but over a few weeks time I have felt the change. 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes now, and I get that...i really do. I would've rolled my eyes at me a few months ago. But whatever, it's the only reason that I have for my change. I am facing so much shit right now-bankruptcy, marriage stuff (husband's PTSD, TBI, and combat related health issues), parenting challenges, and my own personal shit-yet somehow, I am feeling so much better about everything. Our kids are loved and healthy. Our fur babies are loved and healthy. We are not in danger of losing our house, or our vehicles, or our lives. We've decided to once more try to get pregnant (that's a whole other challenge). I am facing so many challenges in 2015, but right now I am at peace. And that my friends, says a lot.

Homeschool Day 1

I really wanted to come up with a clever title for this, but it's almost 14:00 and I am just now sitting down for lunch because I am exhausted. I love it, though. I feel like quitting my job outside the home was the best decision for us right now, no matter how stressful it is financially.

My goal was always to start homeschooling the day after Labor Day but I'd hoped that I'd have the Connections Academy curriculum by now. Due to paperwork issues, B just got 100% enrolled today, so we don't have the materials yet; so today we were on our own :) Since the kids are very close to the same level academically, today was pretty easy and fun. I had downloaded several educational apps on my Kindle, so we read some online books, did numbers games, and did matching games. Then the kids rode their bikes for 35 minutes while i walked with them. B wasn't too sure about the whole school thing at first (she HATED regular school & was very stressed), but when she realized that it was fun, she was all in! B is also starting soccer tonight, so she will get to meet friends and interact with more kids which makes us both happy.

One of the things that I like about homeschooling is the flexibility, which is about to become very important to me. Our schedule is already going to be busy with homeschool, soccer, play dates (through the local homeschooling group), CrossFit (including my intern duties) and church, and it's only going to get worse when i have shoulder surgery on the 16th of this month. Yes, I am that crazy woman who is homeschooling 2 kids, taking care of 7 pets, and getting shoulder surgery. Yes, my husband will be helping some for the first week, but he also has a job in which he cannot take off a lot of time.  Hopefully I will feel okay enough to blog about my shoulder surgery.

Okay, so now I need to get ready to take the kids to the grocery store and shopping for soccer stuff for tonight. I really think I might need a hot bath tonight.

Life Overhaul

So today, I am starting the 21 Day Fix with a friend of mine. It's a Beach Body Program, but I am not a BB rep nor did I did buy the product. The great thing about the internet is that you can find basically anything for free :) So, I found a calorie calculator for it, some awesome tracking sheets, the measurements for all of the containers, and some recipes. The only thing that I couldn't find were the workout videos, but that's ok since I will be going to CrossFit everyday (the thought of 21 straight of CrossFit is kind of intimidating but whatever, I need it). I'll post before and after results when it's over. Yes, I know that a quick 21 fix isn't a permanent fix, but it's a great jumpstart for me and it will help me to get back into a healthy routine.

Along with getting back on track with eating and working out, I am also giving up alcohol for those 21 days. That is something that really needs to be done because my nightly wine consumption is not helping my waistline or my sleep.

Something else that I am implementing is an actual daily schedule. It's in the planning stages right now, but I know that it will start with me getting up no later than 0700 and going to bed (as in lights out) no later than 2200....now I just have to figure out the detailed parts in between. I need time for chores, errands, cleaning the gym, working out, nap (for the kids), and playing with the kids and dogs. Ideally I'd also like some beach time 3 times a week, too, especially since the summer tourist crowd is thinning. Oh, and once the school year starts there will need to be some time scheduled for homeschooling.

So here's hoping that I can stick with these healthy changes and a daily schedule!

Making a House a Home

Life has been busy and I have felt disorganized and out of sorts, so I've decided to do something about it. Lets start with the house....

We've been here about 2 years but it's still not put together at all, and it's been driving me crazy. I feel like we can't have friends over because I am embarrassed about how it looks. Granted, our yard sucks too, but at least we have some patio furniture and a grill so I'm ok with the backyard for now. Well, I decided to do something to start getting the house in order.

Yesterday I decided that the bathrooms, kids' bedroom, and the playroom HAD to get 100% put together, and soon. So, I painted the master bathroom a gleaming shade of white and talked to the kids about colors for their bedroom (more on that in a minute). I know what y'all are thinking "Ooooo, gleaming white, so daring" (while rolling your eyes), and yeah I know that white walls aren't for everyone, but I love simple, minimalist bathrooms. I don't like all the jars full of Qtips, cotton balls, etc everywhere on shelves and counters. I don't like lots of patterns and stuff in small spaces, and I don't like dark walls or dark accents in bathrooms. So in our master bathroom, this is the center of attention

I bought this years ago when we lived in Colorado, and I still love it. Now that the walls are gleaming white, the colors in it stand out even more. I bought these a few months ago (there's also a soap dish) and LOVE them! (well, the kids broke the cup but that's no biggie, shit happens when kids handle breakables)

I bet you're wondering why I don't show a picture of the entire bathroom...well, that's because it's dirty right now, including the painting supplies, and I'm too lazy to clean it at the moment. Any way, I am happy with the master bathroom for now. Still need to get a couple of towel rods, and eventually I'd like to replace the light fixture but that is down the road. BTW, here is a link to the shower curtain that I bought at WalMart-I like it and it was cheap! The half bath just needs a fresh coat of white paint, a trash can, and a new rug-easy peasy!

Next up is the kids' bedroom. A, our 6 yr daughter, and J, our 4.5 yr old son, share a room and a full size bed. They want it that way, so that way it shall stay. They literally refuse to get separate beds or rooms, so it kind of makes things easy. This is their bedding (they jointly chose it):

Additionally, they have the window toppers to match the bedding, Doctor Who posters (framed) and a closet with curtains instead of doors. I'm happy with the decor so far, but the walls badly need painting. So I talked with the kids and we decided that 2 small walls would be eggshell color, and they would each get to pick a color for 1 of the remaining walls. B wants her wall to be pink and J wants his wall to be green, so that's what they will get! We are going to get paint today, and I will paint all the walls today and tonight. After the painting, the room will only need mini-blinds, a toy chest, and a second dresser. We bought the first dresser from Target, and with much cussing and alcohol, I finally got it together, so I made the decision that I will not be doing that again. Instead, I will be trolling Craigslist, yard sales, and thrift stores until I find a second dresser and a toy chest. The kids are so excited to have their room complete, and so am I!

Lastly, the kids' playroom needs to get finished...that is gonna be a chore. Here are a couple of pictures from a few months ago (pay no attention to the headboard, footboard, etc-those are gone now).

It needs a second coat of yellow paint, mini-blinds, curtains (for the window and closet), wall decor (I'm thinking Disney posters), a chalkboard area (they love chalk), a new rug, more organizing baskets, a full size bed (to replace the stained couch) with lots of large couch pillows so that the kids can use it as a couch. For now, I will settle for the paint, curtains, and rug. 

While I am redoing that part of the house, I am also hanging curtains (already purchased) in the TV room and looking for 2 "new to us" couches. After I am done with the bathrooms and kids' rooms, I'll start working on trim work in the hallway, then changing one of the paint colors in the family room and hallway. *sigh* Maybe I can get done with the whole house by Thanksgiving. 

There ya have it, my house redoing plans for the next couple of weeks. I will be sure to post some before and after pictures. 

Jamberry and Crossfit

Ok, so here is where I talk about Jamberry  and CrossFit and how, for me, they are great and kind of intertwined.

When we decided a couple of months ago that I would be a stay at home mom, I decided to become a Jamberry consultant. Well, life got in the way (sorry for the vagueness, but there are some things I agreed to not share publicly), so I am just now really getting into it. I have been wearing Jamberry wraps and lacquers for MONTHS and really like them! The wraps last, on me, about 10 days (and I am HARD on them-cleaning daily, CrossFit, and going to the beach) on my fingernails and more than 4 weeks on my toenails. The lacquer lasts over 5 days on my fingernails with no chips! Both the wraps and wraps are non-toxic and not tested on animals. Oh yeah, and there are Junior sized wraps for  children or for those with small nails :) Here are some pictures of the wraps that I have personally worn :)

I am looking to add people to my fabulous team and I'm always here to answer questions! Check out Jamberry's awesome lines of wraps and lacquers on my site!

So how does CrossFit play into all of this? Because CrossFit and Jamberry are 2 things that I believe in, and I am willing to sink my money, time, and name into them.  A company of non-toxic, not tested on animals, nail lacquers and nail wraps, that was started by a small group of women? AND that contain SO MANY FREAKING FABULOUS CHOICES?! SIGN ME UP!

As for CrossFit....a little background: At one point in time, I signed up to be a "coach" with another big name fitness program. I did it for the discount on their goods and because one of their programs got me down to a size 4 (I am 5'8") and 132 lbs. I was happy and looked good at that size, but I had to deprive myself of so much (like no alcohol, no bread, no sugar, no beer, and eat less than 1800 cal/day) and do so much cardio to maintain that size. Oh, and I was definitely not strong, not at all. Then came CrossFit, and the reality that I didn't HAVE to be a size 4, or even "skinny" to be awesome. See, previously not named company focuses only on weight loss, not on strength. There I was in my 30s and literally for the first time I started to focus more on the weight I was lifting rather than how much I weighed. I stopped counting calories and started reading labels. I stopped killing myself on cardio machines and started doing WODs that involved AMRAPs with weights and short bursts of cardio. I GOT STRONGER and I got happier. Am I 100% satisfied with how I look? No (and that is a deep rooted issue), but am I 100% satisfied with my workouts, coaches (like, actual in person, certified CrossFit coaches) and CrossFit friends? Yes, yes I am.

My CrossFit girlfriends and I talk about how much we can lift, not how much we weigh. We don't talk about what size clothes we wear, we compare the sizes of our hand callouses. We don't count calories, we count reps, double unders, and how fast we can row 500 meters. You know what all of that means? It means, that we constantly push each other to be stronger. It means that we stick around after WODs to cheer each other on, and to sometimes do another workout. It means that when any of us gets a PR (personal record) on a lift or skill, we ALL celebrate and congratulate.

The 2 paragraphs above, THAT is why I am studying and training to become a Level 1 CrossFit coach, and then a CrossFit Kids coach. I love that I walk into a WOD, and rather than feeling like other chicks are judging me, I feel a sisterhood (good lord that sounds cheesy-I blame the wine). I love that my kids literally cheer me on during some WODs and see mommy getting strong rather than Mommy trying to get skinny. And most of all, I love the personal pride that I feel when I hit a PR, or like this past week when I hit a few PRs. There is literally no greater high for me.

Maniac Monday

In an effort to get myself to blog more, and get the worries on paper and out of my head, I am starting Maniac Mondays on here. I am going to type out every current worry that I currently have, then I will do my best to NOT worry about them for the rest of the week.

Money-Becoming a SAHM has been a bigger financial burden that we originally thought. I know it won't last forever, and it is truly worth it (for many reasons), but it sucks. I am restarting the Dave Ramsey plan and am determined to get us on track. And no, I don't do the couponing thing because honestly, we don't eat many foods that are coupon-able (yes, I made up that word). I *do* shop at a certain grocery store, and utilize the rewards card and all their sales. I could go on and on about money, but if I do then there won't be time for any other worries.

Parenting-I think that every decent parent worries that they are not a good parent. Do they watch too much TV? Am I giving them enough freedom? Do they have too much freedom? Am I too easy on them? Am I too hard on them? Seriously, these are only some of the questions that I ask myself everyday.

Marriage-Relationships are hard, including marriage. I don't care what anyone says, marriage is not easy. Balancing parenting AND marriage is even more difficult and complicated. Worth it? yes. Hard at times? Yes.

Pets-Yes, I worry about being a good parent to our pets. I worry about affording the best food, the best toys, and the best vet care for them. I worry about providing the best life for them, and making sure that they are happy and safe.

Body issues-Every. Single Day. CrossFit is helping but still, I really need to throw away our scale. Speaking of weight, I PR'd my power hang clean last week! I'm now up to 100 lbs :)

Ok, that's it for today. Now I have to get on with my day, including CrossFit.

No Need to Hurry Fun

One of the perks of becoming a SAHM is that on days like this-cloudy, dealing with a migraine hangover, feeling tired-I don't feel like we have to do something fun to salvage the weekend. When I was working outside the home, I felt pressure to make Saturdays and Sundays fun, and if I didn't I felt a tremendous amount of Mommy guilt. The relief I feel to not have that guilt is wonderful.

I have a confession, we have not been homeschooling yet. I did a lot of research and asked many questions in FB groups regarding homeschooling and the overwhelming response was, don't do anything formal until they are 6 or 7 years old. This makes perfect sense to me!

When I was 5 yrs old, kindergarten was half a day, and it was filled with coloring, playing, some reading, and recess; so that is what I have been doing around here. We play games like CandyLand and Chutes & Ladders to help with numbers and colors. I read to/with them daily, and they watch some tv like Sesame Street and the Magic Bus. I've also been teaching them about gardening, and we even planted some seeds that are growing! And because of some tense times with our zoo of cats and dogs, they have learned some animal first aid, as well as how to take care of hurt pets. Since we make regular trips to the beach, they are also learning about tides, jellyfish, sharks, and all things ocean related. So far, this method of "teaching" has been working very well & the kids are actually enjoying learning new things.

So for now, we are going to enjoy the spring and summer months, make frequent beach trips, cook meals as a family (the kids love to help us cook), and then start some structured homeschooling in the fall.

I Can Do This

I have been feeling very out of sorts since having the kids home full time and my husband home most of the day over the past couple of weeks. There hasn't really been any routine, so homeschooling, exercise, and eating healthy has gone out the window. Consequently, I feel gross, have had more body pain, and have been in a funk. The kids have also watching more TV than I normally allow, and that is something that I really do  not like.

So over the past few days I've started making plans. I have started the process of enrolling Bella into an online, public school. I will still be homeschooling her, but now I will have a curriculum and teachers to assist me. Starting Monday and until the school year starts, I will be using an all in one home school curriculum from this site. I will be using the pre-school & kindergarten curriculum with her, and the preschool curriculum with Jax since he will be going into public, free, pre-k in the fall. I really feel that I can get Bella caught up on reading and other kindergarten goals by working one on one with her. My goal is for both of them to be in regular, public/private school by the time each of them is in the second grade.

This morning I also meal planned for the next 10 days, and made a grocery list of everything that I need to buy for the meals. Knowing that I know what to make for the next 10 days is actually a big relief for me, and it means no more fast food or ordering in for supper, which will help our budget and help our health. I am making a workout plan which includes daily yoga through Daily Burn on Hulu-stoked that I found Daily Burn! Oh, and I ordered a Beach Body plan....will write more about that when I actually get it.

Seriously, I feel so much better after making some sort of plan and basic daily schedule. I feel like I have some sort of control over my life again, which is nice. Now if I could just get my legs healed, I could work out exactly how I want and when I want.

What the What

I withdrew B, our kindergartner from school. I had many issues with the school, the last one being that they lost her this past Friday and no one could tell me where she was for over 15 minutes. Outwardly, I was calm, but inside I was freaking out....how in the hell could they not know where a 5 year girl was?!

Now I am all "WTH WAS I THINKING?! HOW CAN I HOME SCHOOL HER?!" I want to do this, and I am committed to doing this, and my husband is supportive, and I have A LOT of friends who are providing me with resources....but wow, it is intimidating. It's so intimidating, in fact, that I ordered Homeschooling for Dummies and I will be reading it cover to cover starting tomorrow.  A friend also reminded me that natural things, such as shopping, can be teaching moments so I am trying to remind myself that I can make everything into learning moments. I know that this is best for her, I just have to figure out how to do it and how to make everything work.

I thought that staying at home would make me feel less like I was being pulled in a million directions, but truthfully I still feel pulled in a million directions. What's changed is that these new directions are all home/family/CrossFit related, so I feel passionately about all of them, which is both wonderful and trying. Adding to this is my trying to go green and save money on things...so yeah, I am feeling majorly pulled in so many directions.

So what's my plan you might ask? Well, I am taking this week to figure how the homeschool stuff, so no formal homeschooling this week. I will go to my local CrossFit box  every day for the rest of this week (so that will be 4 WODs and 2 yoga classes) and eat healthy so that I feel better and think more clearly. I will NOT freak out about B and home schooling at the moment, because that won't be productive and will just cause me to want to drink a case of pinot noir.

This gets easier, right? *sigh*

This job is so easy....

said no stay at home mom, EVER. Seriously, I had no idea how exhausting this would be. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining at all-I am incredibly thankful to be able to stay home-but dear sweet baby Jesus, this is tiring. Today I slept in and our girl was almost late to school, so starting Monday this is how my schedule will look:

0530-Wake up with my husband, get his coffee going and get him out the door to work. Once he's gone, drink some coffee while I do my daily cleaning: sweep all floors, dust all rooms, empty dishwasher, clean out letterbox, wipe down bathrooms, empty any full trash cans.

0645-wake kids up so I can get B to school by 0750 (though that might change, I'll write about that in a separate post).

0800-0900-Breakfast for J and me, feed dogs & cats, start a load of laundry.

0900-11:15-I work online while J colors, practices his name, & plays with toys (all in the same room with me). Dogs play outside, while I pray that none of them escape the yard, AGAIN.

11:15-12:00-Lunch for J and me :)

12:00-14:00-Nap/quiet time for J while I answer email, watch House of Cards (or The Good Wife), play with dogs, deal with more laundry, clean up from lunch.

14:00-Leave home to pick up B from kindergarten.

14:30-15:45- Kids play & have snack (they totally miss each other during the day <3).

15:45-17:30-Make it to the 16:00 CrossFit class (except on Tues, I go to the 13:45 yoga class, then this CrossFit class), then hangout until the 17:30 class.

18:00-20:30-Homework with B, supper (for us and fur kids), bath time (for the kids), bed time routine and tuck them in by 20:30.

20:30-22:00-Finally have some alone time with my husband, then bed.


So now my friends, you see why I don't return calls/texts/emails/messages in a timely manner. I love y'all-i really do-but I am trying to figure out a routine that works and that allows me to pursue a flexible career in CrossFit and nutrition. *sigh* Send vodka, please.

So yeah, I heart CrossFit

That's me, in the green shirt, conquering my fear of heights.

I thought that I might as well go ahead and get this post out of the way because much of my time these days, and in the future, will revolve around CrossFit. What is CrossFit you might ask? Basically, it is a fitness program that focuses on functional movements and improving overall functional fitness. Everyday our workout changes (there are even WODs, workout of the day, posted on the main CrossFit page). We do things like rope climb, run, row, lift weights, flip tires, and generally have fun.

What brought me to CrossFit? Well, I got tired of exercising on my own and not getting the results that I wanted. I was lifting, but wasn't increasing enough. I was skinny, a size 4, but I was not strong. So I looked up CrossFit online and starting doing WODs on my own, and without a coach to watch me, I ended up with a torn meniscus. Fast forward about 6 months, we had moved to Florida and I found a CrossFit box that was affordable, had a kids' area, and was close to our home. We visited once and LOVED it. The head coach is former military, there are folks of all ages and fitness levels, and there are plenty of women members. Oh, and the coaching is GREAT-small classes at least 1 coach (usually 2) in each class, and lots of personal attention.

I have been at it for a year now, off and on (I've had a surgery & 2 non-CrossFit injuries that required time off), and I still love it. I have NEVER stuck with a fitness program this long. I have increased all of my lifts, my rowing has improved (I cannot run right now), I can climb a freaking rope(!) and my self esteem has improved. I've made friends who are like family to me. I love it so much, that I plan to become a certified CrossFit coach. We recently added yoga to our box so now I'll be doing that 3 times a week, too.

So now that I have that CrossFit love fest out of the way, what do you do to stay healthy/exercise?

Where do I begin...

I am jumping back into the blogging world after years away from it. It wasn't you, blogging world, it was me. Life got way too busy-working full time, moving across the country, being a Mommy, and attending to our 7 fur babies. Quite frankly, I didn't have much time for anything....but now that has changed.

As of last week, I am officially a SAHM. Wow, I cannot believe that I actually get to say that...I am a stay at home mom. For the past 20 years, I have held some sort of job-from working part time at Sears as a high school senior, to (most recently) working full time as a program manager for a non-profit. The most recent job was taking me away from family too much, and since my husband's job is not traditional and he does not work "normal" hours/shifts, it all became too much. The strain was evident in our marriage and in our kids, especially in our kindergartener-she needs more individual help with school than I was able to give while working full-time.

So here I am, a new stay at home mom to a kindergarten daughter, B, and a 4 year old son, J, and guardian of our 5 crazy dogs and 2 scheming cats. There is truly never a dull day in our home, and now I finally have time to share those stories (and others) again.