Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends. 

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

Always learning

Homeschooling is such a journey. I really thought that I would just come up with, or find, a curriculum/method, and stick with it; but that is totally not what's happening. I've come to realize that we are more of an unschooling family. Now before anyone starts into me about that, MY KIDS ARE LEARNING. They learn every day, in literally most every situation. But I digress, here is a summary of our journey so far, and what led me to my decision to register with Florida Unschoolers (an umbrella school).

We started off the year with Connections Academy/FLVS, which is great for some families but it did not work for us. The curriculum was just too much for Bella, and I was fighting her to do school. Also, it took us HOURS to do school everyday and that is one thing that I was wanting to avoid when we started homeschooling. I hated having her basically chained to a computer at the kitchen table for 4-6 hours a day, especially since we were always behind on assignments and lessons. Again, this is not anything against CA, it just didn't work for us.

After withdrawing from CA, I set out to piece together my own curriculum. A wonderful friend sent me a flash drive FULL of worksheets, lessons, lesson planning, songs, games, etc that I love and use almost daily; but I still felt like I was missing some stuff, so I signed up for ABCMouse so that both kids could get a full curriculum. Best decision ever! Jax and Bella LOVE ABCMouse, and there is so much to do on the site. Jax has already completed Levels 1 & 2, and Bella has completed Level 5 and is halfway done with Level 6. When she finishes Level 6, she will graduate from Kindergarten :) I also bought a Rosetts Stone reading program for homeschoolers, and registered both kids on Teach Your Monster to Read. Once Bella graduates, she will complete Rosetta Stone before we move on to first grade material....which brings me to our next destination on this journey, unschooling.

This school year is coming to a close in a few months, and I began to realize that I really do not have anything in the form of a portfolio (only Bella needs one; Jax isn't registered in the school system yet). Yes, Bella completes worksheets, writing, coloring, etc, but I don't have them well organized. Also, I just didn't like the idea of an evaluator deciding if Bella was making enough progress or not. One of the reasons I took her out of PS and FLVS was because I wanted to be the one responsible for her learning, and deciding if she was learning enough. I began to research and found Florida Unschoolers, and quickly decided to register with them. Yes, there are some disadvantages to being registered with an umbrella school here, but honestly I am not worried about those right now since my kids are so young. The huge advantage for me is that I don't have to keep a portfolio or have Bella evaluated; all I have to do is submit attendance to the school on a quarterly basis. Oh, and I can structure my school year however I want (which for the record, is year round).

Identifying myself with unschooling fits, and honestly feels right for us. Our days are CRAZY due to my& my husband's medical appointments, soccer (kids), CrossFit (and the work that I do there), and trips to visit my family. Some days, we do absolutely no formal school but I realized that it's okay. When we spent most of the day running around the AFB hospital for appointments, our kids still learned and they enjoyed it. They learn when they play. They learn when they are with me in the kitchen as I cook. They learn when we play board games. They even learn when they watch TV and play video games. School doesn't have to be at a desk, with a pencil, paper, and book. Once I let go of drilling school into their heads, I found out that they ASK to learn. Bella now WANTS to learn to read, when earlier in the school year she hated it and never wanted to work on reading.  I cannot tally how great that is!

Do I plan to not do any formal teaching? No, I absolutely will do some formal teaching, but it will not be the bulk of what we do. I plan to transition Bella to another learning website for first grade work. The site has a full curriculum, as well as record keeping, lesson planning, and access to grade above and grade below lessons. Some days we will use that site, and some days we will learn through games, trips to the beach, field trips, or just reading books together. That is what I love about all of this-my kids and I choose together what we do on any given day, and I don't feel rushed or pressured since deciding to do school year round. We can enjoy each other, learn, have fun, and experience life together as a family.

Optimism

Today was a turning point for me, and I don't know why; but today I have felt more optimistic and hopeful about life, marriage, parenting, than I have in so very long. Nothing special happened; in fact, my husband is at work today (and no, his absence wasn't the reason). My only answer to this is prayer. 

I have been praying for so long, that my marriage would get better, and that life would get better. Not to say that I haven't taken some action, but I believe that regular praying and finding a church home has given me the confidence to make changes. I literally chose one night, during a prayer, to "let go and let God." I stopped praying for specifics and just basically said "you know my needs. please, i beg you to fix this, show me a way to fix it." I didn't feel better overnight, but over a few weeks time I have felt the change. 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes now, and I get that...i really do. I would've rolled my eyes at me a few months ago. But whatever, it's the only reason that I have for my change. I am facing so much shit right now-bankruptcy, marriage stuff (husband's PTSD, TBI, and combat related health issues), parenting challenges, and my own personal shit-yet somehow, I am feeling so much better about everything. Our kids are loved and healthy. Our fur babies are loved and healthy. We are not in danger of losing our house, or our vehicles, or our lives. We've decided to once more try to get pregnant (that's a whole other challenge). I am facing so many challenges in 2015, but right now I am at peace. And that my friends, says a lot.

No Need to Hurry Fun

One of the perks of becoming a SAHM is that on days like this-cloudy, dealing with a migraine hangover, feeling tired-I don't feel like we have to do something fun to salvage the weekend. When I was working outside the home, I felt pressure to make Saturdays and Sundays fun, and if I didn't I felt a tremendous amount of Mommy guilt. The relief I feel to not have that guilt is wonderful.

I have a confession, we have not been homeschooling yet. I did a lot of research and asked many questions in FB groups regarding homeschooling and the overwhelming response was, don't do anything formal until they are 6 or 7 years old. This makes perfect sense to me!

When I was 5 yrs old, kindergarten was half a day, and it was filled with coloring, playing, some reading, and recess; so that is what I have been doing around here. We play games like CandyLand and Chutes & Ladders to help with numbers and colors. I read to/with them daily, and they watch some tv like Sesame Street and the Magic Bus. I've also been teaching them about gardening, and we even planted some seeds that are growing! And because of some tense times with our zoo of cats and dogs, they have learned some animal first aid, as well as how to take care of hurt pets. Since we make regular trips to the beach, they are also learning about tides, jellyfish, sharks, and all things ocean related. So far, this method of "teaching" has been working very well & the kids are actually enjoying learning new things.

So for now, we are going to enjoy the spring and summer months, make frequent beach trips, cook meals as a family (the kids love to help us cook), and then start some structured homeschooling in the fall.

NIAW-National Infertility Awareness Week

Today is the close of NIAW. I haven't written a specific NIAW blog post in a LONG time, for many reasons...but today I decided to write one.

Dr. Drew recently had a LoveLine episode in which he called endometriosis and IC "garbage bag diagnoses". He did this when a man called in with some concern about his fiancee, and Dr. Drew cut him off before the man could even ask his question. It was a huge reminder to me that many people, even so called doctors, do not understand endometriosis, and don't view it as a real problem. So people of the interwebz, here is my story about living with endometriosis (and PCOS because I have both, and I suspect that Dr. Drew doesn't believe that PCOS is a real disease, either).

From the time I first got my period, I lived in excruciating pain for the few days before, and the first few days during my period. I also got horrible pain during the middle of my cycle. My periods were any where from 7 days to 14 days long, and were extremely heavy. They never came at regular intervals, NEVER. I missed school regularly because I physically could not get out of bed. This pattern continued until I was 18 yrs old and was put on birth control pills.

Once i started taking birth control pills, symptoms improved for several years, but the symptoms were not gone. It took years of experimenting with different birth control pills to finally find one that helped. Periods were still VERY heavy, and still painful, but at least the mid cycle pain was lessened. I still missed class and work because of the pain of cramps, and general pain that went all the way to my knees, my lower back, and into my pelvic region. There was pain during and after sex. I became light headed due to pain and anemia due to heavy periods. In short, it was awful.

By the time I was almost 31 yrs old, I had met the love of my life and we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I did the responsible thing and went to a doctor to get a pre-baby making work up. This was the first time I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and also the first time that endometriosis was ever mentioned as a possibility. Since the time I started seeing a gynecologist, no one had mentioned anything being wrong with me. All previous doctors told me that my symptoms were normal, and that some women just had "worse" periods than others. Hearing PCOS and endometriosis was like a kick to the chest. That doctor also told me that realistically, I would not get pregnant without help. I was not even 31 yrs old yet, I wasn't old....I was broken.

Over the next 5+ years, we went through treatments for infertility...all failed. We tried timed intercourse with infertility meds-both pills & injectables; 5 IUIs with pills & injectables; 1 fresh IVF; and 1 FET. Nothing worked. Before we had IUIs, I had surgery to look at my insides and was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, that was in 2009. I cried. I developed moderate-borderline severe OHSS during one of the IUI cycles. The injectable medications for IVF left me with extra weight, what seems to be a permanent belly pooch, and while i was taking them, a had a bruised stomach, crazy mood swings, and hot flashes.

In 2012, after enduring daily pain for over a year and numerous ruptured ovarian cysts, I had a second laparoscopic surgery. A huge cyst burst during surgery and I lost part of one ovary. The doctor also removed numerous endometrial adhesions, including some around my bowels. After surgery, I was on basic bed rest for almost a week due to pain. It was not something I look forward to dong again, but it WILL be something that I have to go through again...because a year after that surgery, my symptoms came back again. I tried birth control pills, but I couldn't take the weight gain, acne, and migraines. So for now, I eat a low gluten diet (it helps decrease my symptoms), avoid soy (other than the tasty edamame at our fave sushi place), and exercise regularly (love my family at CrossFit Above The Bar). My husband and I have 2 beautiful children (through kinship adoption), 5 large rescue dogs, and 2 crazy cats-my life is full and wonderful....but I still have not come to grips with the fact that I will never have a use for newborn clothes in our house, or experience breast feeding or a pregnant belly.

So Dr. Drew, no-endometriosis is not a garbage bag diagnosis and endometriosis IS pathological. It is an actual disease, with actual consequences, and actual symptoms. It causes real pain and real health issues. For you to say, to millions of listeners, that it is not real, is a lie.

This job is so easy....

said no stay at home mom, EVER. Seriously, I had no idea how exhausting this would be. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining at all-I am incredibly thankful to be able to stay home-but dear sweet baby Jesus, this is tiring. Today I slept in and our girl was almost late to school, so starting Monday this is how my schedule will look:

0530-Wake up with my husband, get his coffee going and get him out the door to work. Once he's gone, drink some coffee while I do my daily cleaning: sweep all floors, dust all rooms, empty dishwasher, clean out letterbox, wipe down bathrooms, empty any full trash cans.

0645-wake kids up so I can get B to school by 0750 (though that might change, I'll write about that in a separate post).

0800-0900-Breakfast for J and me, feed dogs & cats, start a load of laundry.

0900-11:15-I work online while J colors, practices his name, & plays with toys (all in the same room with me). Dogs play outside, while I pray that none of them escape the yard, AGAIN.

11:15-12:00-Lunch for J and me :)

12:00-14:00-Nap/quiet time for J while I answer email, watch House of Cards (or The Good Wife), play with dogs, deal with more laundry, clean up from lunch.

14:00-Leave home to pick up B from kindergarten.

14:30-15:45- Kids play & have snack (they totally miss each other during the day <3).

15:45-17:30-Make it to the 16:00 CrossFit class (except on Tues, I go to the 13:45 yoga class, then this CrossFit class), then hangout until the 17:30 class.

18:00-20:30-Homework with B, supper (for us and fur kids), bath time (for the kids), bed time routine and tuck them in by 20:30.

20:30-22:00-Finally have some alone time with my husband, then bed.


So now my friends, you see why I don't return calls/texts/emails/messages in a timely manner. I love y'all-i really do-but I am trying to figure out a routine that works and that allows me to pursue a flexible career in CrossFit and nutrition. *sigh* Send vodka, please.

Where do I begin...

I am jumping back into the blogging world after years away from it. It wasn't you, blogging world, it was me. Life got way too busy-working full time, moving across the country, being a Mommy, and attending to our 7 fur babies. Quite frankly, I didn't have much time for anything....but now that has changed.

As of last week, I am officially a SAHM. Wow, I cannot believe that I actually get to say that...I am a stay at home mom. For the past 20 years, I have held some sort of job-from working part time at Sears as a high school senior, to (most recently) working full time as a program manager for a non-profit. The most recent job was taking me away from family too much, and since my husband's job is not traditional and he does not work "normal" hours/shifts, it all became too much. The strain was evident in our marriage and in our kids, especially in our kindergartener-she needs more individual help with school than I was able to give while working full-time.

So here I am, a new stay at home mom to a kindergarten daughter, B, and a 4 year old son, J, and guardian of our 5 crazy dogs and 2 scheming cats. There is truly never a dull day in our home, and now I finally have time to share those stories (and others) again.