Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends. 

Rough Patch

*On the random chance that anyone reads this but doesn't follow me on Twitter or FB, my husband and I split. I am 100% on my own with our kids and pets since he moved across the country.

First of all, I want to say upfront that this is not a post to bash MLM (multi-level marketing) companies, direct sales/marketing businesses, etc. I know friends who make great money with these companies, and they are awesome people. When I have money again, I promise to buy products from some of you because really, I love some of the stuff that you sell! I miss buying Jamberry wraps. I want a 31 bag for the gym. I definitely want to try some of the Younique make up because holy shit, I think it might actually cover my acne and acne scars that I am so self conscious about.

I've made no secret that finances are not good for me right now. Ex has moved across the country, and the only money that for sure is coming in, for him, is Military retirement which is not much; as of right now VA Disability and SSDI have not been approved yet. I am not gainfully employed yet, though I am applying to jobs literally everyday the only job I've found has been a very part time position that pays minimum wage. If it weren't for my family, I literally don't know how I'd pay bills.

Well meaning friends have messaged, texted, contacted me with talks about the MLM companies that they work for, and while I appreciate it, MLM companies are not for me. It's not that I am against them at all, but there are valid reasons that I am interested in them.

First of all, I suck at selling and recruiting. I have tried MLM before and failed because really, I'm no good at it...and that is fine with me.

Another reason, is the money; there is always a buy in of some sort (again, which is fine and understandable) for items, websites, etc. but I honestly don't have the money to buy into anything right now. When ex cancelled cable on me earlier this week, I found out that it would be $105 to get it back on and into my name. For me, that basically became a choice between buying food for my kids, pets and me, or getting internet (which my kids need for school and I need for job hunting) again. If it weren't for my family, we wouldn't have the internet back on right now. So friends, when I say that I don't the money to "spend money to make money", I am really not exaggerating.

Time....time with my kids and pets is very precious to me now. When I am home with them, I want to be home with them. If they are sick, I want to be able to cuddle them and relax with them, without having to simultaneously be online because of a party that I'm hosting. I am the only real parent my kids have now. I don't have anyone to co-parent with me, or to help out by taking the kids to their sports practices and games when I am exhausted or sick. I don't have anyone who can run home and let the dogs out, so that I can go straight to the gym after my (currently hypothetical) job.

How can you help? Send me leads on jobs in my area, or online jobs with set hours, set pay, and benefits. Help me figure out a way to make money so that I can get my CrossFit Level 1 certification and my personal training certification. Use my website Becca's Bargains when you shop online, and share the website with your friends and family. There's no extra stuff to buy, just shop on Amazon, WalMart, etc as you normally do, just click through my page's shortcuts to get there.

My pets, kids, and I will be okay-that much I know. Right now is just a rough patch, but that's all it is...it's not forever.

Embracing Video Games (How a Nerdist Podcast is Making Me a Better Mom)

My kids are 5 and 7 yrs old. They have their own Kindle Fires, and they love video games. I do not love video games. 

Don't get me wrong, I played them back in the '80s & '90s; I even had a ColecoVision, and later a Nintendo 64. I never saved the princesses in Mario Bros or Legends of Zelda, but I really was okay with that. I played the hell out of some Galaga, Donkey Kong, and PacMan at the mall arcade; but somewhere along the way I grew out of video games and that was okay with me. As an adult I married a gamer and grew to resent games, because it seemed that gaming (especially WoW, COD, and other multiplayer games) took so much time away from me, and then our kids. 

So back to my kids, they have a few games that they absolutely love-Minecraft, Dragons: Rise of Berk, Lego Star Wars, and any form of Angry Birds. With the exception of the original Angry Birds I don't understand any of those games, and I haven't particularly wanted to understand. They try to show them to me, and explain but I am guilty of shrugging them off...but no more! 

I am late to the whole podcast thing, but I recently (like last week) downloaded an app that makes it SUPER easy for me to listen to them. Now I basically listen to them all day while I work around the house, look for jobs, and work on my website. One of my obvious favorites is The Nerdist podcast hosted by Chris Hardwick. I am a nerd at heart (that's a whole other blog post, but let's just say that I am planning a Doctor Who sleeve and Star Wars sleeve or leg piece as future tattoos), and first started watching him way back when he hosted Singled Out, and then fell in nerd love with him watching Talking Dead (yes, I know he is happily with a gorgeous, nice woman...but I can still gush from afar). Listening to The Nerdist podcast is like having someone inside my brain, because  the podcasts are fast-paced and at times seem to bounce around subjects, which is how my brain works. 

Today's podcast was with Brad Meltzer, and I confess that I didn't know exactly who he was before I listened. I'd heard his name, but I'd never read one of his books (THAT will be remedied soon). There is so much to like about him, but it's a story from his childhood that really got to me today. He and Chris were talking about growing up nerdy in different parts of the country-Chris in Memphis and Brad in Brooklyn-and the differences in acceptance levels. In a small school in Memphis, Chris dealt with feeling outcast, in Brooklyn Brad felt more accepted...but then he told a story about his dad. Brad talked about how his dad didn't get his love of comic books, and he knew that his dad would rather he bought baseball cards. Instead of shrugging off his kid's passion for something that he himself did't understand, he fed. He talked about how his father would bring home comic books for him and how great it was that his dad "fed that little habit". Chris talked about how his parents fostered his love of comedy and video games, and how awesome it is for parents to be so attune to their kids that they will basically say "hey, i don't understand this thing that you love, but I'll support it and foster your interest in it" (my words....not nearly as good as listening to the story). All of a sudden it clicked in my brain, that I should be dong that instead of zoning out when my kids are excitedly telling me about something in their video game worlds. I might have shed a few tears upon hearing those stories and then deciding that I need to be more like their parents.

We do share some of the same interests, like Doctor Who (the 3 of us are doing DW themed Halloween costumes this year!), Star Wars, The Walking Dead, and even Supernatural; but they really LOVE video games. So from now on I am going to support their interests, even though I truly do not understand them. The last thing I want as a parent is for my kids to feel like I don't care about them or their interests. I want them to always want to tell me things, even the little things. If they are feeling like outcasts at school, I want them to never feel that way at home. Now if I could only get them to love podcasts.  

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

The Launch of My New Life

I've been a SAHM for the past 16 months, and it has been wonderful. I have been homeschooling, bonding with my kids, taking care of the house, caring for my furbabies, and I have loved it. But life changes, and so must I, and it is time for me to work and support my family. 

I have been taking time to think and process, and figure out how I am going to support my kids, keep our house, and keep our pets. The optimal solution was to work at home, but finding reliable at home jobs that aren't physically demanding (recovering from surgery), and don't involve phone calls (kind of difficult with 5 large dogs) or selling items (I am just not good at that, at all). So instead of working for others, I decided to launch Becca's Bargains. 

What is Becca's Bargains you ask? It is quite simply, a shopping/bargains site. There is no catch for you, the shoppers-it's free, no registration needed, and you can even save money. Even if you do not use any of the coupons or deals, if you just enter the stores through Becca's Bargains, and order anything, then I make a small commission from those stores. You already shop at stores like Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Old Navy, and if you enter them through my site, then you help support a single mom and her kids. 

Some of you might be wondering why I don't just go out and get a conventional full time job; well the answer to that is, I need a job that is flexible. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder , as well as gross & fine motor skills delays, and is in occupational therapy for at least the next year. I am recovering from leg surgery and will be in physical therapy twice per week for several months. My children's father is not active in their lives, so I am the one who needs to be available to stay at home with them when they're sick; take them to sports practices and games; and help them adjust to life with one parent. In short, I'm doing this whole parenting thing on my own now, so I need the flexibility to take care of my kids and pets as needed, without worrying that an employer will fire me, write me up, etc. 

So please, share Becca's Bargains everywhere and with everyone. Enter stores through there, do your shopping, and help me support my family. I am not trying to become some millionaire, I just want to put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and be a good parent. 

I Am Enough (because I have to be)

If I am 100% honest with myself, I have been a single parent since the day our kids got off the plane with the social workers. Of course, he was deployed back then, but nothing really changed when he got home. Yes, he was here physically, but 95% of the time I did 100% of the parenting. I did bath, bed time, school/homework, took them to sports practice, made meals, washed clothes, took to appointments...I did all of it. He did the fun stuff like fishing, rough housing, and video games. Now all of that is up to me, and it is a crushing responsibility.

Everyday I feel like I fail them in some way. At the end of everyday I beat myself up for being too strict, or too lax; for not doing enough formal school (even though we are registered unschoolers); for not making them eat the nutritious supper that I made, and instead letting them eat cereal, pb&j, or Spaghetti-O's; for not reading enough (or at all) to them; and so many more reasons.  In short, I doubt myself every single day & wonder if I am enough...

Then I remember that now, I have to be enough. Their father hasn't called them one time since he left. He did manage to get them Easter baskets and drop them off while we were at church, so at least there's that. He has only asked about them one time since he left. My heart hurts for them. I get that he hates me right now, and that he (seemingly) doesn't care about our marriage ending; however, I don't understand how he can forget them so easily.

My kids, they are the most important people in the world to me. I will do anything to make sure that they feel loved, but there is no guidebook for this. Part of me thinks I should move back to my home state so I would have some family support, but then I remember how much the kids and I love the beach, and our house, and our church. Plus, finding a place that would accept 5 large dogs and 2 cats would be virtually impossible. And I want to keep the kids' lives as routine as possible during all this.

They are worth it. They are worth all of the struggle. I can do this. I have to do this.