My Advice to You

Right now, you are in the blissful part of the relationship. He is texting all day, complimenting you, perhaps already saying that he loves you. Maybe he's already met your young daughter, and has told you that he will help you with her needs. Likely, he hasn't gotten blackout drunk yet in front of you, and he definitely hasn't told you about his criminal record, or that he was unfaithful to me, and his first wife, numerous times. In fact, I was (unknowingly) the other woman in his first marriage; he told me that they were separated but years later I learned that they were not separated until after he met me. (Just FYI, he and I are not divorced like he told you, but we are separated...even though there's no such thing as legal separation in Florida.)

Did you know that a few short days before talking to you, he was trying to get another single mom to commit to him? Telling her that he loved her from the first time he saw her, and promising to take care of her kids? He was even willing to move out of state with her. Did he tell you that the reason I kicked him out was because of his alcoholism, infidelity, and abuse? And that he left the kids and me for another woman back in the Spring? No, I'm betting that he told you I'm some crazy stalker wife, who also cheated on him (see, that was his story to me about his first wife).  Does he tell you that he has not called our kids at all since he left? And that he spent their SSDI money on bars, escorts, and cigarettes? Did he tell you that he hasn't paid child support to his first wife in months? 

There will come a day when he does get blackout drunk, and probably punch holes in the wall. One day he will scream at you irrationally, maybe even shove you over a couch or hold a tomahawk to your throat while he says "I could kill you if I really wanted to." Perhaps he will even drive drunk again, and get his third DUI; or proposition your friend for sex. Maybe your daughter will do something that irritates him and he will scream at her. When he does any of those things my advice to you is get out. I should've gotten out years ago, and once I asked myself "Would I want a guy to treat my daughter the same way? Would I want my son to treat a girl this way?", the answer became clear. 

I'm sure you'll hear stories about me, likely all false, and that's fine. One day you'll track me down to ask questions, the same way I did with his first wife; and I will answer your questions, and let you know that I've been there, I recovered, and that my life ended up remarkably better without him in it. 

Hashtag Real Life, Part Deux

I do not want to reconcile with he-who-must-not-be-named, but knowing that he has already moved on and is telling women that he is not married really irritates me.

I feel much resentment towards him, but I am trying my best to let it go.

As much as I know that I need a full time job, my focus right now is picking up the pieces, and doing what I can for my kids to make this time easier on them. 

Tomorrow I turn in my application for TANF and food stamps....help that I never thought I would need, but for which I am praying that I am approved. 

I wonder every night if I missed my chance at a happily married life (with someone else). 

Now that I am starting to process everything that has happened over the past few years, I realize how abusive he was and I have multiple anxiety attacks daily. 

My kids saved me. If not for them, I might not ever have gotten the guts to get out of my abusive marriage. 

I will never get involved with a narcissist again. I know the red flags, I will NOT let it happen again. 

I have a running list of "want" and "will not tolerate" for anyone I date in the future. I have promised myself to not give any passes on those. 

If my dogs don't like a guy, I will not date him. 

No guy will meet my kids until we've dated at least 4 months. 

Parenting is hard. Being a 100% single parent is hard. Divorcing your abusive partner while parenting your kids 100% of the time, trying to keep the household afloat, and trying to pick up the emotional pieces...well, I am being stretched to my limit. 

Domestic abuse is alienating, and humiliating. 

As my advocate reminded me, my hardships are temporary. I am in a transition time that is so fracking hard right now, but it is temporary. I am building a new, healthy life for my kids, my furkids (and fish), and myself...THAT will be lasting. This hard shit is temporary.

Hashtag Real Life

I have so much to say, but my brain and body are tired, so here are random points that sum up my life right now.

• Even when divorce is the best option, it still sucks. 
• I feel like I am juggling a million balls, and am thankful that the vast majority of my friends and family understand.
• Three out of my five dogs will NOT let me touch their nails with clippers or a Dremmel like file. UGH.
• Speaking of juggling things, I have no idea how I will balance my son's increased OT appts, the needs of both of the kids when it comes to their academic struggles, counseling appts (for the kids and me), legal appts related to the divorce, the needs of my pets, housework, and my needs. 
• CrossFit is something that I refuse to give up. I love it, and I love my friends there. 
• Thursday I am applying for TANF (what some people call welfare) and food stamps. 
• As much as I theoretically would like to find Mr. Right, the thought of ever trusting someone like that again makes me feel nauseous. 
• Not being resentful toward He Who Must Not Be Named is a struggle everyday. Every single day. Thank God I start counseling soon. 
• Speaking of counseling, I am so thankful for the free counseling that the kids and I will be getting through a local agency.
• Daylight savings is awesome for my sleep pattern. 
• My family is amazing. 
• Faking it all is exhausting. Telling people I'm fine is exhausting. I'm not fine a lot of the time. I am angry, sad, relieved, anxious, hopeful, and exhausted at some point everyday.
• I no longer know what I want to do with my life professionally; literally, I change my mind everyday. My kids need so much from me right now, I just don't know how to work and be a good full time single mom. 
• At the end of the day, I get into bed with my kids & dogs, exhausted (sometimes tearful) but thankful that I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing parents, crazy supportive brothers, and great friends. 

Meatless Mondays Forever

I am an animal lover, but have always eaten animals and animal products. For some reason I convinced myself that it was okay to do it, and that those food animals didn't really count. I now realize that I was completely wrong, so I am on a journey to change my life and the lives of others. My kids and I are on a journey to pesco-veganism. Yes, we will still mostly likely eat fish but we will not consume any other living thing, dairy, or things with animal products. I am still working on eggs because the kids LOVE eggs; I really want to build a coop so that we can raise our own chickens, and have fresh humane eggs. There are a lot of changes involved in going from eating animals to not eating any animal products.

Before I talk about they why, I want to talk about the how. Some people can make these changes overnight, but not us. We have started with giving up mammals and most dairy (still working on cheese and ice cream). Next, we will give up birds, which shouldn't be too hard considering the only bird we are eating right now is turkey bacon. After we give up birds, I will hopefully be well versed enough on products and recipes, that I can easily meal plan pesco-vegan and vegan meals. For me the biggest challenge will be reading labels to ensure that the packaged foods do not contain any animal products.

Now, the why. In short, I realize now how cruel the farming industry is to animals, including dairy cows and egg hens. Dairy calves are ripped from their mothers within hours of birth, and then either raised for the same fate as their mothers, or briefly raised to become veal. Cows are amazing creatures, and the pain that we humans cause them is inexcusable. We don't need their milk at all. We don't need to eat them. They are loving creatures, who even enjoy snuggling.

You like bacon and think that you can't live without it? Research the pork industry, and pigs. The vast majority are confined to small pins where they can't even move around. Pigs are smarter than dogs, and they like a good scratch and snuggle too. They are actually clean as well, and make great pets. 

Speaking of smart, chickens are smart too! And contrary to what you might think, they are actually affectionate and show empathy. Do you know what happens to baby male chicks? They are destroyed in mass, and not in any humane way; they are typically thrown into meat grinders WHILE STILL ALIVE or put in trash bags to suffocate. The cruel torturous death of countless baby chicks, that's the cost of eggs. 

There are many other cruel practices that happen in the food industry, these above are just a few examples. Honestly when you start researching it, it becomes clear that what we as humans are doing to these animals is just morally wrong. Don't care about animals? Then care about the detrimental effects of meat eating on the environment.

Want to give some vegan meals a try? Check out this BuzzFeed article with vegan meal ideas! Wondering how to get the nutrients that you need from a plant based diet? Check out the graphic below for some tips. Going vegan has really never been easier!

Rough Patch

*On the random chance that anyone reads this but doesn't follow me on Twitter or FB, my husband and I split. I am 100% on my own with our kids and pets since he moved across the country.

First of all, I want to say upfront that this is not a post to bash MLM (multi-level marketing) companies, direct sales/marketing businesses, etc. I know friends who make great money with these companies, and they are awesome people. When I have money again, I promise to buy products from some of you because really, I love some of the stuff that you sell! I miss buying Jamberry wraps. I want a 31 bag for the gym. I definitely want to try some of the Younique make up because holy shit, I think it might actually cover my acne and acne scars that I am so self conscious about.

I've made no secret that finances are not good for me right now. Ex has moved across the country, and the only money that for sure is coming in, for him, is Military retirement which is not much; as of right now VA Disability and SSDI have not been approved yet. I am not gainfully employed yet, though I am applying to jobs literally everyday the only job I've found has been a very part time position that pays minimum wage. If it weren't for my family, I literally don't know how I'd pay bills.

Well meaning friends have messaged, texted, contacted me with talks about the MLM companies that they work for, and while I appreciate it, MLM companies are not for me. It's not that I am against them at all, but there are valid reasons that I am interested in them.

First of all, I suck at selling and recruiting. I have tried MLM before and failed because really, I'm no good at it...and that is fine with me.

Another reason, is the money; there is always a buy in of some sort (again, which is fine and understandable) for items, websites, etc. but I honestly don't have the money to buy into anything right now. When ex cancelled cable on me earlier this week, I found out that it would be $105 to get it back on and into my name. For me, that basically became a choice between buying food for my kids, pets and me, or getting internet (which my kids need for school and I need for job hunting) again. If it weren't for my family, we wouldn't have the internet back on right now. So friends, when I say that I don't the money to "spend money to make money", I am really not exaggerating.

Time....time with my kids and pets is very precious to me now. When I am home with them, I want to be home with them. If they are sick, I want to be able to cuddle them and relax with them, without having to simultaneously be online because of a party that I'm hosting. I am the only real parent my kids have now. I don't have anyone to co-parent with me, or to help out by taking the kids to their sports practices and games when I am exhausted or sick. I don't have anyone who can run home and let the dogs out, so that I can go straight to the gym after my (currently hypothetical) job.

How can you help? Send me leads on jobs in my area, or online jobs with set hours, set pay, and benefits. Help me figure out a way to make money so that I can get my CrossFit Level 1 certification and my personal training certification. Use my website Becca's Bargains when you shop online, and share the website with your friends and family. There's no extra stuff to buy, just shop on Amazon, WalMart, etc as you normally do, just click through my page's shortcuts to get there.

My pets, kids, and I will be okay-that much I know. Right now is just a rough patch, but that's all it is...it's not forever.

They Don't Care

From the suicide note of Daniel Somers

I've wanted to write a post about combat related PTSD and TBI for a while, but honestly I burst into tears when I start putting my thoughts together about what to say. Then I thought maybe I'd research and use stats, and science, etc. but that stuff is so impersonal and I feel like people don't connect with straight information; so instead I will tell our story and how it affects the entire family. 

When P and I met in 2006, he was a relaxed, fun loving guy full of smiles. Maybe he was different at work (he was in training), but with me it was all fun. We went to fireworks shows, restaurants, bars, and just lived a fun life. He would travel to Tuscaloosa and see me, and I would travel to Georgia to see him. When he moved to Savannah, I visited there as well and we decided that I would relocate there while he was on his first deployment. It was a short deployment, but he saw action (he was Airborne infantry, so he was always in the thick of things, and never on a FOB but rather on a COP at best). He returned almost the same, though there were some small differences; gone were the nights of watching fireworks on River Street because he coldn't handle the noise. Restaurant trips changed too; now where we sat mattered because he needed (not wanted) to be able to see the main exit at all times. Bar hopping was hit or miss, depending on his overall mood he would either turn into a brooding, dark drinker, or the over the top "life of the party" drinker. He never would forget where I parked, though, no matter how many beers he'd had that night (there is a reason for me highlighting that fact). He did another short deployment while I was there, but it was a secret one that I only found out about recently when I was pouring over his military records. 

Fast forward to 2010, and we moved to Colorado on military orders. Within 3 months of our move, he was deployed to Afghanistan for a year....a fucking year. I was across the country from my family and friends, in a new job, and in the middle of infertility treatments while simultaneously working on gaining custody of our now children. My new work friends were awesome, and we worked on the Army post so I was surrounded but folks who got it...they understood that I needed my phone on me at all times, and understood if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. My clients were soldiers who were leaving the Army and they would give encouraging words and the obligatory "he'll be okay". Then August 30, 2010 happened. 

There was a communication blackout but P managed to borrow a cell phone from one of the Afghani soldiers so that he could call me. Physically he was fine, but there had been mass KIAs that day, 9 to be exact; and P had been there to see 2 of them. They were on a patrol, and his best friend as well as his Lieutenant were killed in front of them. He witnessed 2 of his friends blown to pieces, with some of their blood and body landing on him. P and others in the platoon did all that they could, and carried them to a helicopter but there was nothing to be done.  In P's mind, he should've died too. He didn't tell me all of those details until much later, but he called me that day to let me know that he was okay so that I wouldn't see something online or on the news and be worried that it was him. Later that week, or maybe it was the next week, I attended the memorial service for all 9 soldiers on post at one of the chapels. It was much like the ones portrayed on fiction TV shows, but so much worse because you know that it's real and as a wife, all I could think of was "thank God it wasn't my husband" which then made me feel guilty for even thinking that way. I cried, a lot, but I went back to work that day and put on a good face. 

June 2011, P came home from Afghanistan to a wife and 2 kids which would be a huge adjustment for anyone but for someone with PTSD and TBI (both which he did not yet know he had) was almost more than he could handle. He received no real emotional, psychiatric, or physical care upon his return. Returning from deployment is a huge deal, and there is a homecoming ceremony, but the military (or at least the Army) really does not care about truly caring for them once they return. They are expendable; there are others that they can send to take their place if they are killed or injured to the point of not being deployable again. They need a certain number of boots in theater, and they honest to God don't care how they get it. I have personally seen soldiers who were deemed "non-deployable" because of mental issues all of a sudden be deemed "deployable" because a unit needed to meet a certain number.

From June 2011 to now, we have been through hell and are working our way back. I knew that he was different, and he knew that he was different, but we didn't know how to deal with it. We also had no idea how serious it was until about a month ago when he got a hold of his medical records during his medical retirement process. Now although we understand it to a degree, we are dealing with a new normal and a new future. 

P is 31, he has PTSD, TBI which in turn have resulted in insomnia, nightmares, daily headaches, depression, and brain lesions. He also has other symptoms of PTSD-anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, etc. He has degenerative arthritis in his back, hips, and knees. He has 2 other spinal issues (I can't recall the name right now), as well as bunions and other problems with is feet. He has lost feeling in some of his extremities. 

He is only 31 years old. 

He is being medically retired, and the VA is recommending 100% disability. Per his TBI and PTSD testing results it is likely that he will not be able to hold a job due to the paranoia, headaches, flashbacks, anxiety and neurocognitive issues resulting from PTSD and TBI. 

He is only 31 years old. 

He has trouble remembering where we park the car if we go to the store. He has nightmares, even though he takes medication for it. He can't run any more. He still has to see all the exits in a restaurant when we go out to eat. He cannot tolerate crowds, and has only gone to one fireworks show in 8 years. He is no longer the carefree, happy go lucky man that I met 9 years ago in Georgia. He is in physical pain every single day. He can no longer watch military related movies or documentaries. His one attempt at going to church with the kids and me, on Xmas Eve to see the kids perform, resulted in his worst panic attack ever. He doesn't really know how to relate to civilians any more, because they "have no idea what it's like".  He thinks about his friend, the one he saw blown up, everyday. 

He is only 31 years old.

I've had to change the way I communicate with him. I realize now that he processes things differently than he used to, and I've had to adjust to that. It isn't that he ignores the fact that the house needs cleaning, it's truly that he doesn't notice (he doesn't get a pass on throwing his clothes on the floor, though). He wasn't always gas lighting me in the past, he truly does not remember things well and sometimes doesn't remember them at all. I've had to teach him how to interact with the kids. He doesn't feel true happiness as much, and his smile is different. He's applied for SSDI. 

He is only 31 years old. 

I am applying to become his caregiver through the VA because I cannot go back to work. The pay will be tax exempt, and it will help us make up the difference between what he makes now and what he will get paid during retirement. The truth is, he needs help from me every single day; and that's okay, I'm not complaining. I make sure that he takes his meds, eats somewhat healthy, makes the calls that he needs to make, and help him stay occupied so that he doesn't spiral into a dark hole of depression. We take walks almost daily, just the 2 of us while the kids are in school, so that we can talk and reconnect. Next week I am making (yes, making him, lol) start a stretching program to hopefully help with pain. I am researching getting one of our dogs trained as a service dog so that perhaps he will feel more comfortable in public, so that maybe we can go out more and to new places without him having so much anxiety.

He is only 31 years old.

The government does not care; there is not enough money or resources to care for the troops coming home who need help. In general, the people of this country do not care; they are quick to say that we as a country need to go to war, rather than exhaust every diplomatic solution. And they damn sure won't sign up themselves, or tell their spouse to sign up, or take their kids to a recruiter to sign up. No, no-that they won't do. They will cry for war from the comfort of their homes, watching news reports, and praying to keep the troops safe but they don't have to experience it IN their homes. There are not enough mental health or physical health services for our Veterans. For some of them, the VA is the only place that they can receive affordable health care, but many times they live hours away from a VA Center or hospital. We are fortunate that we will still have TriCare so he can receive services at the local Air Force bases, the VA Center and Hospital, or private doctors. The fact that there are homeless Veterans, and Veterans who die by suicide every day because of lack of care is disgraceful and unforgivable. 

This is only a small portion of our story, our whole story in living with his PTSD and TBI could fill a book. And we are far from the only ones living this life. So please, share this and share any other military PTSD related experiences. Read Daniel Somers's suicide letter. Watch Restrepo to get a real idea of what our troops experience at war. Volunteer in your community to help Veterans or to even visit Veteran retirement homes (yes, those exist). Take action, don't just pray for them. Do something to help, we are begging you. 22 a day, that's the number of Veterans who die by suicide. Think about that the next time that you think that war is the answer. 

A New Outlook

Today I realized how much P and I learned while we were separated, and how our separation might have actually been what we needed. We are communicating better with each other, which was a MAJOR issue with us before, and we are both making efforts to show gratitude towards each other. Really, we are both making an effort in our relationship which is something that we have not done in a long time. Marriage really is work, not in the bad sense, but work nonetheless; and I know that some people feel that if marriage is work then perhaps you're married to the wrong person but I completely disagree, especially in Military marriages involving PTSD.

I am still grieving the loss of the man I married, and he is grieving the loss of the man who used to be, but we are finding out that it's not all bad. With him getting medically retired and me becoming his caregiver, we will have more time with each other, and with the kids. We will also have time to finally pursue hobbies-cars for him, photography for me. He will be able to grow a beard and stop getting up stupid early, which means that he will be able to help me with the kids and the pets every morning. I will be able to volunteer at the kids' school and go on field trips with them, and P will no miss out on the kids' school activities or sports due to work. We will have time to exercise and get healthy again. If we can find an affordable, reliable house/pet sitter, we might even finally be able to travel to Costa Rica to visit family.

How did I come to decision to change my attitude and be more positive? Exercise...no really, I mean it. I have started working out again (I have 20 damn pounds to lose) and it is clearing my head. I've been doing yoga, pilates, and taking walks outside while listening to the Nerdist podcast (sometimes I laugh out loud and get some looks but whatever), and it all just clicked. That dark cloud parted and I was able to see all the good possibilities in the future. Now, we just need to make them happen.

One Last Chance

This quote pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment. If you are friends with me on FB, Twitter or IG, you know that my husband and I are giving our marriage one last chance. We still love each other, but we obviously have issues that we each need to work through both separately, and together. There are many reasons that I decided to take him back and try again.

P is being medically retired from the Army and has a preliminary rating of 100% disabled. He has brain damage, including lesions, from several explosions; 2 of them knocked him unconscious for at least 10 minutes, and he had concussion symptoms with all of the explosions. Doctors have stated that he will not be able to work in the civilian world due to his brain damage as well as his PTSD. Currently, he is not able to do his job per doctor's orders. He also has physical damage, such as arthritis in his hips and knees, as well as spinal injuries; these make him unable to run, walk long distances, stand for long periods of times, or hike while carrying weight. He is only 31 years old. They already talked to him about eventually needing a caregiver to help him with daily life...so that will be me. 

I didn't take him back because I feel sorry for him, not at all. I agreed to one last chance because he finally admitted that he is "fucked up" and needs help, and he is getting help. We sat down together and came up with a contract of sorts-things that he and I agree to in our marriage, including marriage counseling and some other things (literally, an entire page of items). 

While his disabilities so not excuse much of his behavior, it does explain some of it. Many of the times that I thought he was gas lighting me, he most likely truly did not remember things that were said/done. His horrible mood swings and hair trigger temper? Completely caused by PTSD and brain damage. Reading one of the reports from one of the doctors really enlightened me, and I learned more about what happened during his deployments. It really infuriates me that the Army knew about his concussions, and did nothing at all upon his return from deployment. 

I never stopped loving him, even through all the hurt that he caused me. He came home from the desert a different man; but somewhere in my heart I remembered the man that I met on Tybee Island in 2006. He will never be that man again, and I know that; but maybe we can get back to the love that we had for each other. 

So there it is, the reasons that we are trying again. 

Embracing Video Games (How a Nerdist Podcast is Making Me a Better Mom)

My kids are 5 and 7 yrs old. They have their own Kindle Fires, and they love video games. I do not love video games. 

Don't get me wrong, I played them back in the '80s & '90s; I even had a ColecoVision, and later a Nintendo 64. I never saved the princesses in Mario Bros or Legends of Zelda, but I really was okay with that. I played the hell out of some Galaga, Donkey Kong, and PacMan at the mall arcade; but somewhere along the way I grew out of video games and that was okay with me. As an adult I married a gamer and grew to resent games, because it seemed that gaming (especially WoW, COD, and other multiplayer games) took so much time away from me, and then our kids. 

So back to my kids, they have a few games that they absolutely love-Minecraft, Dragons: Rise of Berk, Lego Star Wars, and any form of Angry Birds. With the exception of the original Angry Birds I don't understand any of those games, and I haven't particularly wanted to understand. They try to show them to me, and explain but I am guilty of shrugging them off...but no more! 

I am late to the whole podcast thing, but I recently (like last week) downloaded an app that makes it SUPER easy for me to listen to them. Now I basically listen to them all day while I work around the house, look for jobs, and work on my website. One of my obvious favorites is The Nerdist podcast hosted by Chris Hardwick. I am a nerd at heart (that's a whole other blog post, but let's just say that I am planning a Doctor Who sleeve and Star Wars sleeve or leg piece as future tattoos), and first started watching him way back when he hosted Singled Out, and then fell in nerd love with him watching Talking Dead (yes, I know he is happily with a gorgeous, nice woman...but I can still gush from afar). Listening to The Nerdist podcast is like having someone inside my brain, because  the podcasts are fast-paced and at times seem to bounce around subjects, which is how my brain works. 

Today's podcast was with Brad Meltzer, and I confess that I didn't know exactly who he was before I listened. I'd heard his name, but I'd never read one of his books (THAT will be remedied soon). There is so much to like about him, but it's a story from his childhood that really got to me today. He and Chris were talking about growing up nerdy in different parts of the country-Chris in Memphis and Brad in Brooklyn-and the differences in acceptance levels. In a small school in Memphis, Chris dealt with feeling outcast, in Brooklyn Brad felt more accepted...but then he told a story about his dad. Brad talked about how his dad didn't get his love of comic books, and he knew that his dad would rather he bought baseball cards. Instead of shrugging off his kid's passion for something that he himself did't understand, he fed. He talked about how his father would bring home comic books for him and how great it was that his dad "fed that little habit". Chris talked about how his parents fostered his love of comedy and video games, and how awesome it is for parents to be so attune to their kids that they will basically say "hey, i don't understand this thing that you love, but I'll support it and foster your interest in it" (my words....not nearly as good as listening to the story). All of a sudden it clicked in my brain, that I should be dong that instead of zoning out when my kids are excitedly telling me about something in their video game worlds. I might have shed a few tears upon hearing those stories and then deciding that I need to be more like their parents.

We do share some of the same interests, like Doctor Who (the 3 of us are doing DW themed Halloween costumes this year!), Star Wars, The Walking Dead, and even Supernatural; but they really LOVE video games. So from now on I am going to support their interests, even though I truly do not understand them. The last thing I want as a parent is for my kids to feel like I don't care about them or their interests. I want them to always want to tell me things, even the little things. If they are feeling like outcasts at school, I want them to never feel that way at home. Now if I could only get them to love podcasts.  

Cave

That currently describes how I feel. Yes, I am on anti-depressants and still in therapy. I get up and get my kids to pre-k/day camp Monday-Friday. We even make it to church most Sundays. I haven't worked out in weeks, mostly because of my leg but also because I legitimately worry that I will have a breakdown when I go back there. I miss it, though. And I miss my friends there.

When you have been strong for so long, people assume that you are strong....but you hate to cry and show how broken you are because you don't want to get "the look". I know that you know what I am talking about. That look of pity, or whatever you want to call it. I hate that look, and I know that I have given that look. So I've been in my cave. I snuggle with my dogs and cats, and work on my website (not nearly enough to be honest), and look for jobs. I read books, listen to podcasts, and binge watch Netflix (hello new eps of Pretty Little Liars!) I eat too many carbs, and then regret it.

So next week I will get out of the house and go to the gym, at least twice. I will start my physical therapy so that I can hopefully get back on track to running. I miss running so much; it was my go-to for stress relief and mood improvement. I am determined to get back to myself, but I am also determined to be gentle with myself. Wading through all of the emotions and complexities of divorce, and healing from all of the hurt is A LOT, and I want to make sure that I don't damage myself more in the process.

A Routine Life

32 days. That's how long it's been since my almost ex has seen the kids. He doesn't ask about them, ask to speak to them, or ask to see them. It's becoming abundantly clear that I will be doing this without him, and that is okay. 

A friend sent me this Happy Father's Day, Mom commercial, and it totally made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because it encouraged me. Seeing those adult children tell their stories about their single moms was inspiring. I am not the first mom to be doing this on my own, and I won't be the last. Women do this everyday, and we have ben doing it for ages. 

Something that has helped is that we are finally getting into a routine. The kids are in camp/pre-k this summer, so I have time during the day to work on my new business, run errands, take care of the house, and take care of my furbabies. Then I pick up the kids, and we start our evening routine-relax, dinner (more on that in a minute), chores, bath, read, and bed. Next week, I add CrossFit back into the routine. Though I am a go with the flow person, and I can be spontaneous, I truly function best with some sort of routine and so do the kids. 

Dinner is something that I struggled with when almost ex was still in the house. He is such a gamer that he rarely wanted to have any sort of family dinner. Even when he wasn't gaming, he wanted us (him and me) to sit in front of the TV while the kids ate at the table. Family dinners were not something that he wanted or cared about, and it didn't matter that they were something that I wanted. With this new routine, I am finally getting those family dinners. The kids and I sit at the table, together, and we actually eat and talk. I don't check my phone. The tv is still on but it's for background noise (misophonia sucks). It is so nice to just sit and eat with my kids; I actually get to hear about their days and they ask me so many questions! In my mind, I am planting a seed with them now with these family dinners, letting them know that they can ask anything and I am there to listen. 

Every night after my kids are in bed, I wonder if I am enough. And I replay the day in my head, thinking of all the parenting mistakes that I made. And every night the kids come out of bed, into the TV room, and tell me they love me; that I am beautiful; and that they will keep me forever. Yep, I must be doing something right. 

I Am Finding Myself

"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

Change is scary as hell. While I have always welcomed changes in the past, those changes were typically planned. I planned to move from my hometown to a bigger town, on my own. I planned to move to Savannah after meeting my almost ex. And every military PCS, it was planned. I typically had jobs lined up, and a place to stay. Divorce? That change was not planned. Needed, yes. Planned, no. After reading Eat Pray Love, I have decided to use this major life change as a chance to transform myself, and my life. 

The above quote from Eat Pray Love spoke to me (one of many quotes that spoke to me). I have become lazy in my prayer life; some nights, saying the same prayer night after night. Yes, God knows what I need but how in the world can I expect him to listen when I don't articulate what I want? And further, I have to make changes to get what I need and want. I cannot just sit back and wait for the universe to drop things in my lap. 

It's uncomfortable to transform, and envision a completely different future. Perhaps that's why I have been procrastinating since I made the decision to divorce. Now I am forcing myself to envision the future that I want, and deserve, and for once in my life it doesn't involve a man. I am not saying that I don't want love, or to possibly marry again, but I know that having a great future and fulfilled life isn't dependent on having a husband. 

What am I doing to transform my life? Most importantly, I am first focusing on my spirituality. I am going to learn meditation (yes, I need to learn because my mind races all. the. time), and practice it daily. Along with meditation, I will be practicing yoga again; and not the weight loss, P90x type yoga, but the mind quieting, focused yoga that will help get back in tune with myself and my spirit.

 There is of course so much more that I need to do to transform my life, including developing a viable income, but I know that I cannot do that until my spirit is mine again. So let the transforming begin. 

The Launch of My New Life

I've been a SAHM for the past 16 months, and it has been wonderful. I have been homeschooling, bonding with my kids, taking care of the house, caring for my furbabies, and I have loved it. But life changes, and so must I, and it is time for me to work and support my family. 

I have been taking time to think and process, and figure out how I am going to support my kids, keep our house, and keep our pets. The optimal solution was to work at home, but finding reliable at home jobs that aren't physically demanding (recovering from surgery), and don't involve phone calls (kind of difficult with 5 large dogs) or selling items (I am just not good at that, at all). So instead of working for others, I decided to launch Becca's Bargains. 

What is Becca's Bargains you ask? It is quite simply, a shopping/bargains site. There is no catch for you, the shoppers-it's free, no registration needed, and you can even save money. Even if you do not use any of the coupons or deals, if you just enter the stores through Becca's Bargains, and order anything, then I make a small commission from those stores. You already shop at stores like Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Old Navy, and if you enter them through my site, then you help support a single mom and her kids. 

Some of you might be wondering why I don't just go out and get a conventional full time job; well the answer to that is, I need a job that is flexible. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder , as well as gross & fine motor skills delays, and is in occupational therapy for at least the next year. I am recovering from leg surgery and will be in physical therapy twice per week for several months. My children's father is not active in their lives, so I am the one who needs to be available to stay at home with them when they're sick; take them to sports practices and games; and help them adjust to life with one parent. In short, I'm doing this whole parenting thing on my own now, so I need the flexibility to take care of my kids and pets as needed, without worrying that an employer will fire me, write me up, etc. 

So please, share Becca's Bargains everywhere and with everyone. Enter stores through there, do your shopping, and help me support my family. I am not trying to become some millionaire, I just want to put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and be a good parent. 

"Why Does He Do That?"

That meme pretty much sums it up...seriously. 

So the title of this post is the name of a book that I started reading today. It was recommended to me by my therapist as well as several people on an online support group for people dealing with narcissists in their lives. I've already read through the first 2 parts of the book and it's truly amazing how accurately it describes my experience. I am eager to read through the whole book and develop more protective and coping mechanisms for myself. 

It's become quite apparent to me in this past week that ex is a narcissist, which is both freeing and scary. It's freeing because I am 100% certain that nothing I do or did caused him to hate me, and nothing I do could ever change him. It's scary because wow, I was so fooled and (in my therapist's words) conditioned to ex's behavior; I literally will not know how to react when I finally find someone who is emotionally healthy and treats me well. I worry that I am damaged for life, but in the words of Scarlett, I can't think about that right now or I'll go crazy.

Coping with stress without being able to workout is extremely difficult for me. For the past several years I have depended on running, or CrossFit, or yoga to work out my stress; but with my leg and shoulder I can't do that right now. I have also struggled with the back slide that I have taken as far as how my body looks. Today I made the decision, during therapy, to not worry about that; my only focus right now is getting through my upcoming surgery (facsiotomy for compartment syndrome) and recovery. I have to keep myself physically and emotionally healthy for my kids, and to do that I have to focus on one thing at a time. So, if I gain weight or size while doing that, so be it. I have plenty of time to get back to running and CrossFit; but I can't do that at the expense of my leg, or shoulder, or mental health. 

My Next Husband...

I used to joke about that, saying "my next husband will/won't" but now I guess it's no longer a joke. So tonight I've decided to make that list, for real. 

My next husband will:

love me, and respect me

love animals, and love my fur babies as much as I do

love my kids as much as he would his own

go to church with us, at least a few times per year

enjoy the beach and outdoors in general

be financially responsible

support my goals

help with yard work

take me on dates that don't involve bars

choose me and defend me against his family

love college football (ok, kidding but it's definitely a plus)

be taller than I am (call me petty, but it's a preference)

be committed to living a healthy lifestyle (not a fanatical one; but regularly exercising, and eating healthy, at home, most of the time)

be pro-choice (#sorrynotsorry)

give me plenty of TLC when I am sick or injured (no putting me in the bedroom, while he drinks and ignores me)

support me being a SAHM as long as finances allow it

My next husband will not:

be abusive to my fur babies, my kids, or me

have any active addiction issues

be an avid gamer 

smoke (occasional cigars are ok)

be racist, sexist, homophobic

be a sport hunter

I think that's it for now. I really don't think this is too much to ask for, at all. 

That Night....

Last year, in mid June I called 911 to come to my house for a domestic disturbance. Ex was wasted off vodka, and in a downward PTSD spiral. The police arrested him, he was in jail for 4 days, and there was a no contact order for 30 days. I lied to the police. The police lied on their report...but this is what happened.

Stupidly, ex wanted to watch Restrepo and i let him try to watch it for the 5th time. He couldn't handle it (understandable) and then turned on some other war movie, i don't remember the name but it was fiction. He couldn't handle that one either. He began to scream at me and berate me, about my not understanding what he did, what all he went through, what all of them went through. I managed to get the kids locked into the master bedroom, with a movie going. Ex continued to scream at me about any and everything...for over 3 hours. I tried everything-calm voice to de-escalate, yelling back to match him, walking away (that didn't work-he physically cornered me, raising his fist as I cried hysterically). At one point he decided to dismantle and clean MY 9mm. When I asked him to stop doing it because it scared me, drop the gun piece at me; the pieces bounced up and hit my leg, causing a small cut and some blood. I was freaked out and pissed, so i threw 2 of the big pieces at the wall (not at him, nowhere near him at all), and caused holes. No, I am not proud of that, but it's what happened. He preyed upon that, calling me crazy; then he went for his keys, to drive to liquor store for more vodka....

I made the mistake of trying to physically block him from his keys (he had 2 DUIs already), and he pushed me. I fell over the back of the couch, onto the floor, hitting my head. (It's not the first time something like that had happened; the summer before, it happened but it was outside, and i hit my head on the concrete.) Still, I did't call the police. I tried to reason with him to not drive. Next thing I knew, he'd gone into the bedroom, gotten the 2 tomahawks (gifts from me and an Army unit) and he pushed them into my throat...his arms crossed, blades at each of my external jugulars, and he said something...i can't remember what...and had this disconnected, Joker type laugh. Once I got away, that is when I finally called 911.

I made the decision to not tell the cops about the tomahawks, because I was worried about how much trouble he would be in if i did. I told the truth about everything else, but the cops wrote it up in their report that I said he threw the gun at me (I did not, and i did not write that in my victim statement). They said I stated there was a history of violence (there was, but I stated there was a history of verbal fighting). He went to jail.

My intention was not to send him to jail, I just needed someone to step in and mediate. Did he deserve jail for 4 days? In hindsight, yes. Then, he had me so messed up that I was apologizing to him, and I even cut myself for the first time in years. Because of how messed up i was, I went to the ADA's office and begged for them to give him Veteran's Court instead of criminal court. And they did. Has it helped? No, not really. Did he stop putting hands on me? yes. Did he stop abusing me? no.

I say all this, not to slam him, but to finally say it out loud. And to acknowledge all of it. And to show that I have actually made progress.

I also want to say that we were happy once, so fucking happy, truly happy. He was not always this way, and I blame the war, but he also has refused help at every turn. PTSD and TBI mess up people so much, and then so many self medicate with alcohol or drugs. I don't know what to do to fix it, but I want it out there, that ex is one of those; and that I am one of those whose a victim.

I will be okay. My kids will be okay. My fur babies will be okay. My ex? He will not be okay; not until he is forced to get help.

Coparenting...Challenge Accepted

I need to remember this, and I need to share this with my ex. Last night and this morning, we got into it via text, and then on the phone. I am not proud of that, but it is what it is. This shit is HARD, and I am trying my best to keep it civil but sometimes, I just lose it. I am still angry about what has happened, but everyday I am able to forgive a little bit more. 

Today, ex visited with the kids which gave me a MUCH needed break for a few hours. I sat in Starbucks and enjoyed a breakfast. I cleaned out my Twitter and FB, and locked down both of them. I even came up with a proposal about what I want in the divorce. Shockingly, he wasn't opposed to the vast majority of it (I sent it to him via email, and then he called). The kids and dogs enjoyed him visiting (they visited here at the house), and he took them to the dentist. Then I went to therapy and it was great...I seriously cannot explain how helpful it is to have a professional to talk to about all of this. If I did not have my therapist, I have no doubt that i would be nuts right now. 

Next step is trying to foster the relationship between the kids and ex. His brain injury is apparently severe, which makes everything so complicated. I need to somehow explain to the kids how their daddy's brain works differently than other people's brains; and how his emotions, words, and memory are negatively affected. I think THAT is the hardest part, knowing that he is this way because he chose to serve our country; yes, he is also an alcoholic, but the TBI is terrible. 

I pray and hope that he gets help for all of his issues so that he can be the best father possible to our kids. But now, his issues are no longer mine to deal with on a regular basis. My plate is full with the kids, the pets, and my life. Right now, my new life is my highest priority. 

Just Breathe

That quote, just breathe, will be my next tattoo....well, after the cover up tattoo to hide the tattoo of my ex's name (yes, I am already referring to him as my ex because for emotional and physical purposes, he is). I have to remind myself several times a day to just breathe....to just get through the next few seconds. Today, I had to do it in the middle of a CrossFit WOD because I was about to breakdown in tears. I don't cry because I lost some wonderful husband to another woman; I cry because, war messed up his brain, and alcoholism messed it up worse, and my kids and I were robbed of so much. Right now, I hate him...for hurting me, for hurting our kids, for making me feel completely worthless at times, for continually lying to me. Bella is saying telling people "daddy broke up with us" and Jax is saying "I'll beat up Daddy if he comes home." (I do NOT bad mouth my ex in front of them, but Jax is angry with him for leaving.) I do not love him, but I *do* love the man that I married and I am sad that he is gone forever and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life and my kids' lives. And dammit, I am so overwhelmed that I try to hold back the tears until the kids go to bed so that they don't worry about me.  

For a while (in hindsight, perhaps since I gained custody of the kids), Jax has shown symptoms of a sensory issue. The symptoms have worsened the older he's gotten, and maybe since I have stayed at home with him and Bella for the past year, I finally really noticed them. He is an insanely picky eater, much worse than even Bella was at his age. He is super sensitive to heat. If he gets wet when he is not supposed to be wet, he HAS to change clothes or there is a meltdown; same with getting sand or dirt on his clothes (like, he sometimes will change clothes 3 times in a day). He is flapping A LOT when excited or even playing soccer. He LOVES to spin and does it a lot. He uses too much force on objects. He sometimes just runs into me for no reason. He constantly makes noises, to the point that today (almost through tears) I told him that I loved him, and I understood that he couldn't control his noises, but that i needed a break; so he ate lunch in his playroom. He hits kids, or pushes them too hard during play time. He does a shiver when I touch him while getting on to him (like if I touch his arm or his face to get him to pay attention). 

Last week he was evaluated by an occupational therapist, a referral that was originally made due to a deficit in fine motor skill development, so I should have some answers this week. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. Adding OT and a sensory issue on top of everything makes me want to run away, but I can't (and deep down I don't want to) because I am his mommy. I am the only consistent, safe parent that he has in this world, and I take that responsibility very seriously. So I will add this onto my plate of everything, and I will do it because I am his mommy. 

It's not only his OT that is overwhelming, it's the thought of possibly having to put him into public school...nope, can't even deal with that. I am thankful that I have such awesome friends both on the internet and in real life, because they are giving me all sorts of leads on non-selling work at home jobs. I pray that I can continue to homeschool because both children excel at it, and Bella cries at the thought of having to deal with bullies again at school. 

Today during the kids' soccer games I had a moment of zen :) Jax's game was done and we were watching Bella's game while he ate supper (sandwich Lunchable). I looked at him and told him to smile for a picture, and this is what I got <3

This kid, who is so happy to just be at the soccer fields eating his sandwich. He is happy so much, no matter what diagnosis he gets, he won't care and he will be happy. He thinks OT is a big playroom. He isn't stressing about it, so I am going to try my best to not stress about it either. 

I Am Enough (because I have to be)

If I am 100% honest with myself, I have been a single parent since the day our kids got off the plane with the social workers. Of course, he was deployed back then, but nothing really changed when he got home. Yes, he was here physically, but 95% of the time I did 100% of the parenting. I did bath, bed time, school/homework, took them to sports practice, made meals, washed clothes, took to appointments...I did all of it. He did the fun stuff like fishing, rough housing, and video games. Now all of that is up to me, and it is a crushing responsibility.

Everyday I feel like I fail them in some way. At the end of everyday I beat myself up for being too strict, or too lax; for not doing enough formal school (even though we are registered unschoolers); for not making them eat the nutritious supper that I made, and instead letting them eat cereal, pb&j, or Spaghetti-O's; for not reading enough (or at all) to them; and so many more reasons.  In short, I doubt myself every single day & wonder if I am enough...

Then I remember that now, I have to be enough. Their father hasn't called them one time since he left. He did manage to get them Easter baskets and drop them off while we were at church, so at least there's that. He has only asked about them one time since he left. My heart hurts for them. I get that he hates me right now, and that he (seemingly) doesn't care about our marriage ending; however, I don't understand how he can forget them so easily.

My kids, they are the most important people in the world to me. I will do anything to make sure that they feel loved, but there is no guidebook for this. Part of me thinks I should move back to my home state so I would have some family support, but then I remember how much the kids and I love the beach, and our house, and our church. Plus, finding a place that would accept 5 large dogs and 2 cats would be virtually impossible. And I want to keep the kids' lives as routine as possible during all this.

They are worth it. They are worth all of the struggle. I can do this. I have to do this.

No Regrets

This quote from SATC is great, and is something that my therapist and I talked about during my first session. No, she didn't use this exact quote (though that would've been awesome), but the meaning was the same. I broke down crying about the years I'd spent on the relationship, the career I'd given up because of military moves and then when we decided that I would stay at home. Her words were truth and comforting...that I had done what anyone would do-I kept my promises and vows; he's the one who (repeatedly) broke those promises. I cannot spend time regretting my choices or emotionally beating myself up. I did what I was supposed to do as a spouse, it was my husband that did not. 

So now I look forward to new beginnings, and better things. I am doing my best to not try to look/plan too far into the future, because that would drive me crazy. Each day will get a little better, and I will be a little closer to whomever I need to be. 

Power

My husband, P, left me. It was a long time coming, and things were more bad than good for years. War changed him....changed his brain, but he was not willing to truly receive help. Even now, he has been off his meds for at least a week (he left them here).

I used to be afraid to speak up about his behavior. He told me not to talk to anyone about our problems, but I am done being concerned with him and his wants. He chose alcohol, and another woman, over me...so I am done.

My first therapy session was a few days after he left. After he told me that he didn't want to be married any more. After he'd started an inappropriate "friendship" (700+ texts between them in days...yeah, more than friends i do believe) with a female coworker. After he refused again to stop binge drinking every day that he didn't work. I cried to her, and told her everything. I told her about the domestic violence arrest and how he blamed me for him being jailed, even though his behavior necessitated me calling law enforcement. I told her about the binge drinking, and the refusal to get help. I told her about my walking on eggshells, and how I covered for him at our gym ("oh, he's working/tired/sleeping"). I told her about him getting angry with me if I talked to friends about our problems. I told her about him calling the money "his money" since we had agreed that I would stay home with the kids while he worked. And then she said the words "You realize that these are all signs of emotional abuse. Whether consciously or not, he has been emotionally abusing for years." And then I cried, while agreeing with her.

Saying those words and accepting it was both terrifying and freeing. I have a professional and educational background in mental health, how could I let this happen to me?! Why did I allow him to come home after the domestic violence incident?! How can I ever trust my judgment regarding men again?! How am I going to raise my children, and keep the house, and keep our pets on my own?!

And then the therapist and I talked more...and she said these words, "You have more power than you think." She's right, I do. I also stopped covering for him, and when mutual friends have asked where he is, I reply truthfully...and then they have all offered help in one way or another. I have plans this weekend with a friend and her son. My family has rallied around the kids and me. I still worry about the future, but I know that my kids and I have enough support to get through this.

I am sharing to let others know, you are not alone and sharing is power.

My Best

I needed to see this today. And I need to tell myself this every single day. Being a mother is a challenge. Homeschooling my children is a challenge. Being a wife and caregiver to my husband, an Army Veteran, is a challenge.....a big challenge, possibly the biggest challenge that I've ever faced. 

P, my husband, is in the beginning process of getting medically retired from the military. Now in addition to his regular medical and mental health appointments, he has appointments with the VA (several hours away). This means that my appointments are on the back burner, because I need him home with the kids when I'm at my appointments. And no, getting a sitter isn't an option because we simply cannot afford a sitter that often. 

I do the best that I can everyday, but some days (like today) I get overwhelmed with guilt that I am not doing enough, or doing the right stuff. I worry that I am not doing enough school with the kids (which is ridiculous, because they learn all the time and they are young). I worry that every parenting mistake that I've ever made, the kids will remember (again, ridiculous). I worry that the stress of being a caregiver will overtake my marriage. I worry about not having enough life to live my life. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love staying at home. I just feel stretched, like I have nothing more to give...but I can't stop giving. 

I ordered this book today, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations fro Women. I plan to get up each morning and read it before the kids wake up. I have to do something peaceful for me, so that i can continue to give. 

Always learning

Homeschooling is such a journey. I really thought that I would just come up with, or find, a curriculum/method, and stick with it; but that is totally not what's happening. I've come to realize that we are more of an unschooling family. Now before anyone starts into me about that, MY KIDS ARE LEARNING. They learn every day, in literally most every situation. But I digress, here is a summary of our journey so far, and what led me to my decision to register with Florida Unschoolers (an umbrella school).

We started off the year with Connections Academy/FLVS, which is great for some families but it did not work for us. The curriculum was just too much for Bella, and I was fighting her to do school. Also, it took us HOURS to do school everyday and that is one thing that I was wanting to avoid when we started homeschooling. I hated having her basically chained to a computer at the kitchen table for 4-6 hours a day, especially since we were always behind on assignments and lessons. Again, this is not anything against CA, it just didn't work for us.

After withdrawing from CA, I set out to piece together my own curriculum. A wonderful friend sent me a flash drive FULL of worksheets, lessons, lesson planning, songs, games, etc that I love and use almost daily; but I still felt like I was missing some stuff, so I signed up for ABCMouse so that both kids could get a full curriculum. Best decision ever! Jax and Bella LOVE ABCMouse, and there is so much to do on the site. Jax has already completed Levels 1 & 2, and Bella has completed Level 5 and is halfway done with Level 6. When she finishes Level 6, she will graduate from Kindergarten :) I also bought a Rosetts Stone reading program for homeschoolers, and registered both kids on Teach Your Monster to Read. Once Bella graduates, she will complete Rosetta Stone before we move on to first grade material....which brings me to our next destination on this journey, unschooling.

This school year is coming to a close in a few months, and I began to realize that I really do not have anything in the form of a portfolio (only Bella needs one; Jax isn't registered in the school system yet). Yes, Bella completes worksheets, writing, coloring, etc, but I don't have them well organized. Also, I just didn't like the idea of an evaluator deciding if Bella was making enough progress or not. One of the reasons I took her out of PS and FLVS was because I wanted to be the one responsible for her learning, and deciding if she was learning enough. I began to research and found Florida Unschoolers, and quickly decided to register with them. Yes, there are some disadvantages to being registered with an umbrella school here, but honestly I am not worried about those right now since my kids are so young. The huge advantage for me is that I don't have to keep a portfolio or have Bella evaluated; all I have to do is submit attendance to the school on a quarterly basis. Oh, and I can structure my school year however I want (which for the record, is year round).

Identifying myself with unschooling fits, and honestly feels right for us. Our days are CRAZY due to my& my husband's medical appointments, soccer (kids), CrossFit (and the work that I do there), and trips to visit my family. Some days, we do absolutely no formal school but I realized that it's okay. When we spent most of the day running around the AFB hospital for appointments, our kids still learned and they enjoyed it. They learn when they play. They learn when they are with me in the kitchen as I cook. They learn when we play board games. They even learn when they watch TV and play video games. School doesn't have to be at a desk, with a pencil, paper, and book. Once I let go of drilling school into their heads, I found out that they ASK to learn. Bella now WANTS to learn to read, when earlier in the school year she hated it and never wanted to work on reading.  I cannot tally how great that is!

Do I plan to not do any formal teaching? No, I absolutely will do some formal teaching, but it will not be the bulk of what we do. I plan to transition Bella to another learning website for first grade work. The site has a full curriculum, as well as record keeping, lesson planning, and access to grade above and grade below lessons. Some days we will use that site, and some days we will learn through games, trips to the beach, field trips, or just reading books together. That is what I love about all of this-my kids and I choose together what we do on any given day, and I don't feel rushed or pressured since deciding to do school year round. We can enjoy each other, learn, have fun, and experience life together as a family.

Homeschooling is a Journey

It occurred to me that although I many times ask, via FB and Twitter, what others do for homeschooling, I never really say what we are doing now. So, I am sharing today. Let me start off my saying that I am making the decision to homeschool year round, and to homeschool on most days of the week. Yes, there are some traditional school days that we don't homeschool, but we also don't take off the holidays, teacher planning days, etc that public schools take. I am staying Common Core aligned (a teacher friend sent me some great CC aligned assessments), so that if they return to public school I know that they will at least be on grade level.

Here's a typical day of homeschooling for us (our kids are preschool/pre-k, and K):

1. Educational TV such as Sesame Street, Magic School Bus, Wild Kratt's, etc-I know that some people are 100% TV watching, but we are not. Both of our kids learn very well through TV shows, and they enjoy them. The TV is usually on while I am making breakfast and during breakfast; sometimes even during handwriting/coloring practice. I especially enjoy how they ask questions during and after the tv shows, because it gives me ideas on more subjects for them to study.

2. Online work such as Teach Your Monster to Read, and ABCMouse-I love both of these websites and so do the kids. Monster is focused on reading, ABCMouse is a complete CC aligned curriculum for K, and it has curriculum from preschool-preK as well for our son (he has already completed Level 1 preschool). With both sites, the kids learn from games, worksheets, songs, etc. ABCMouse also has a separate "fun" area, as well as an area for parents to print off worksheets, and other learning areas for the kids to explore. Seriously, this site is awesome and worth the money.

I also use random websites for Science, such as Brain Pop, jr (the free stuff), National Geographic, and Science4Us (the free stuff).

3. Online apps-Bella, our 6 yr old uses Lexia/Rosetta Stone for homeschoolers to teach reading. As you can tell, I place great importance on learning to read. The websites are fun and great, but Lexia teaches some more difficult areas in reading and understanding. Bella has been diagnosed with expressive receptive speech delay in the past, so we have come to understand that she requires many different ways of learning, especially reading. The combo of Monster, ABC, and Lexia seems to be working.

We also use Read to Me, a Kindle app, to help both of them with reading/word recognition. This is a FREE app that delivers a new book to my Kindle everyday. The best part is that the app reads the book to you, while showing the words and highlighting them as they are read. The kids LOVE this and "read" their new book every night before I tuck them in bed.

4. Worksheets-Some of these I have gotten from friends, websites (teacherspayteachers), but some of the handwriting practice I just make up myself.

5. Flashcards and board games-Boggle, jr is AWESOME for teaching letters and short words. Chutes and Ladders is great for teaching numbers. And really any board game teaches patience, manners, taking turns, and counting. We are also getting Clue, Jr to work with reasoning, solving problems, and using clues.

6. Everyday life-You can really learn all day long, in every setting. They learn the importance of exercise through going to CrossFit with us. We talk about money and budgeting while shopping, especially when they want something and we talk about making choices between wants and needs. At the grocery store, we talk about healthy food choices and why it's important to eat healthy food.

So there you have it, that's our homeschooling in a nut shell. We don't do all of those every single day, but we do at least 4 of them a day. Oh, and of course the kids get outside play everyday (weather permitting); i read them a book at night (after Read to Me); and I am working to find some cheap, easy art projects for them to do.

Optimism

Today was a turning point for me, and I don't know why; but today I have felt more optimistic and hopeful about life, marriage, parenting, than I have in so very long. Nothing special happened; in fact, my husband is at work today (and no, his absence wasn't the reason). My only answer to this is prayer. 

I have been praying for so long, that my marriage would get better, and that life would get better. Not to say that I haven't taken some action, but I believe that regular praying and finding a church home has given me the confidence to make changes. I literally chose one night, during a prayer, to "let go and let God." I stopped praying for specifics and just basically said "you know my needs. please, i beg you to fix this, show me a way to fix it." I didn't feel better overnight, but over a few weeks time I have felt the change. 

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes now, and I get that...i really do. I would've rolled my eyes at me a few months ago. But whatever, it's the only reason that I have for my change. I am facing so much shit right now-bankruptcy, marriage stuff (husband's PTSD, TBI, and combat related health issues), parenting challenges, and my own personal shit-yet somehow, I am feeling so much better about everything. Our kids are loved and healthy. Our fur babies are loved and healthy. We are not in danger of losing our house, or our vehicles, or our lives. We've decided to once more try to get pregnant (that's a whole other challenge). I am facing so many challenges in 2015, but right now I am at peace. And that my friends, says a lot.